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RELAPSE

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RELAPSE

Postby traced » Sun Apr 07, 2019 3:04 am

Hi everyone...I've found myself gambling and hiding debts from hubby again. I was doing well went about 15 months straight without gambling confessed and we had paid off over 60 000 in debt but still have a good amount too go... I'm going through some things and we went on a cruise and I gambled more than my free play and hubby was angry about it...when we got home I got suckered in to the local casino with free play and was chasing losses from cruise then I won over 5000 and lost it all again over a few visits and then chased again won lost more you know how it goes. and I'm down so I have had to hide the missing money by taking off credit again....I'm having anxiety about him finding out and of course I snuck back tonight won losses back and instead of cashing out left further down... I just keep chasing trying to right things...My husband will never forgive me if he catches me at it again..I think he is suspicious. I'm a nervous wreck. I need to stop all together and cut my losses. It is so hard and I'm so angry with myself. I know better. I've been married for over 30 yrs and I know he can't take anymore of this.
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Re: RELAPSE

Postby NewSunRising » Sun Apr 07, 2019 7:20 am

Take a deep breath Traced . I'm glad you came back to the forum . 15 months is an outstanding achievement and one you can do again . Start over . Get yourself to a GA meeting and ask your husband to go with you . He needs to know that this is a disease and not something we're doing because we choose to .

It's my opinion that this addiction never goes away . It waits for its chance to come back to life and when it does , I can tell you from personal experience that the resulting binge is far worse than before .
Be strong and have hope . The gamble-free time you accumulated has not been erased or made meaningless . You learned valuable things from it and you can use those things to get back on track . As hard as it may seem , it may be better for you to come clean to your husband now before the addiction convinces you that you can get your losses back . Which is a lie , and you know it .
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Re: RELAPSE

Postby traced » Sun Apr 07, 2019 1:09 pm

Thank you for responding...I managed to stop without help before although I was really backed in too a corner and my husband was watching me closely,..it really upset the family my parents and my 3 grown boys. ...I felt terrible. I pretty much got to the point I wasn't thinking about gambling much at all anymore .I became obsessed with budgeting and paying off debt...and then I messed up once but it was one weekend..I stopped again for a few months and then the cruise in Sept losing money and winning a chunk caused me to relapse on a larger scale....now its chasing loses and that got me in trouble before...my husband told me he couldn't take it if I ever did that again. .I lost over a period of 4 yrs around 90 000 I had it hidden it on lines of credit and credit cards.He new nothing about it because he trusted me to do the finances. So I can't possibly tell him...I just have too quit and not go back again. I'm sneaking around again and it's causing extreme anxiety...I'm so pissed at myself. I think I've added back over last 2 months 6 000. He does do a tally of how we are doing with debt pay off from time to time...so it's possible he could find out but I hope not. Thanks again.
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Re: RELAPSE

Postby 58gambling » Sun Apr 07, 2019 6:36 pm

Traced: One big red flag I just saw in your last post is your mention that your husband trusts you to handle the finances for your family. This is something that needs to be changed. If your husband can't or won't do it, there needs to be a 3rd party to do it.....maybe a financial planner or such.
You doing the finances for your family is the classic example of letting the fox guard the chicken coop. A gambling addict should have very little access to money. This is my opinion whether you like it or not, or whether you want to face that reality or not.
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Re: RELAPSE

Postby Aries411 » Mon Apr 08, 2019 2:35 pm

I am sorry to hear that you hit a snag traced...

Recovery is a tricky thing. That chance for relapse is always there. One person in the GA meetings told me that the addiction was like a monkey on your back while you are doing push-ups. They are just waiting there for you to get tired.

I did the same thing as you. I was given an ultimatum when my wife found out about my addiction and I shattered all her trust. I promised to never do it again and attended meetings, gave her control of finances and began the path of recovery. After 3.5 years, I gained enough trust for her to let me manage the finances and that was when the voices began coming back. I began to think that I could control it. I began to think that she would never find out. And slowly the urges and thoughts of gambling came back. I ended up gambling for about 4 months and losing about 10K before she found out again and I hate to say, but it shattered her trust more than before. Now she felt that she could never believe me and anything I told her now, had no credibility. The talk of divorce immediately came up and I don't know what I eventually said, but she gave me one last chance.

What did help quite a bit was seeing a couple's therapist that had experience with gambling. They helped my wife understand a bit more of my addiction and to not totally blame me. She also taught us how to reconnect and how to communicate more effectively. Our marriage is not perfect, but it is gradually getting better. Time does heal all wounds, just as long as you are willing to work at it.
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Re: RELAPSE

Postby traced » Wed Apr 10, 2019 3:00 am

Thank you for your reply...Very true. I think my husband sees it as me being bad rather than an actual sickness..He does think I'm addicted though. ..I should probably get therapy but it is hard to find therapist who deal in gambling addictions and have experience with it. ...I was also doing online gambling at my peak but I closed my accounts and haven't gambled online at all it's been 2 years in March. I know I need to stop justifying going with the free play because I always give money back eventually even when I win large sums. I'm always angry with myself when I do it too. I appreciate the advice from everyone ..Part of me still misses playing the games and the high of winning ..it is the losing that isn't any fun...it really sucks.
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Re: RELAPSE

Postby NewSunRising » Wed Apr 10, 2019 1:06 pm

For me , the high of winning doesn't compare to the high of knowing I'm financially secure and able to deal with any unexpected expenses without becoming stressed and anxious aboutt how I'm going to pay for it .

Traced , you need to look to your future and see the big picture . A huge percentage of our population is totally unprepared for retirement . I'm going to be 60 this year and I'm working 2 jobs to try and stash away enough funds to see me through the years I am no longer able to work . I gambled away every cent for 7 years . I try not to think about how much I would have had if I had saved all the money I gave to the casinos .

But here I am , looking at at least another 6 years of 60 hour weeks and never forgetting that one major health crisis could completely wipe out what little I have . Please don't let this happen to you .
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Re: RELAPSE

Postby Aries411 » Wed Apr 10, 2019 2:59 pm

Even though I have put in a decent amount of gamble free time, I still miss the gambling. I would still enjoy the thrill and I also still wish I could play. The attraction to gambling is definitely there... but I have changed over the years.
Before, I would just follow my impulses and start to gamble if I had a free bet, or a free show or a free hotel deal. Basically follow any 'rational' reason to go gambling. But now, whenever I get those thoughts, I am very aware of the consequences that follow and that will prevent me from continuing to entertain the thought of gambling. I think that 'awareness' (mindfulness) has now become my greatest tool for recovery
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Re: RELAPSE

Postby traced » Wed Apr 10, 2019 4:09 pm

Yes I agree and can relate to everyone who has taken the time to post a response. Much appreciated.
Yes we just turned 51 and retirement is ahead.. .so we have been buckling down and trying to get debt free 4-5 years then plan on socking away our income for the following 5yrs to top up our investments. Hubby and I have no company pensions ..From the outside we look really good nice house good jobs but his gambling thing really threw a wrench in to our plans a real set back..Now hubby is getting tired high blood pressure etc...you start to think something could go wrong and then what? ...I really cannot afford to be putting one cent in to those machines and I know that..You wonder what it was wrong with yourself when you continue with destructive behaviour.
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Re: RELAPSE

Postby RottenFish » Wed Apr 10, 2019 4:43 pm

NewSunRising wrote:For me , the high of winning doesn't compare to the high of knowing I'm financially secure and able to deal with any unexpected expenses without becoming stressed and anxious about how I'm going to pay for it .


I feel like this on most days ... hopefully I will get there soon.

For me, the "low" of being broke and not paying my bills is definitely worse than the "low" of not being able to place another bet. I learned this lesson 2 years ago when I blew threw all my savings and had to ask my mother to pay my bills for 1 month. I made sure this didn't happen again since then.

The "high" of placing that next bet still feels very good right now.
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