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A life filled with emotional pain

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A life filled with emotional pain

Postby Notlookingback » Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:35 am

Once again, I went back to compulsive gambling. I earned a very very large bonus at work about 45 days ago. I paid a lot of back taxes, gave my wife a chunk of money and gambled the rest. It might seem like I am ok, but I am not. It has changed me emotionally and my brain now craves action. I treat my family totally different. I am no longer positive, no longer glib and no longer happy. I treat the kids very differently, as I no longer have patience and no longer enjoy doing any of the simple things in life. I don't enjoy a movie with the family or just eating and playing a game with my son. I come home from "work" (typically at least half the day gambling) and my wife knows that something is wrong. She's right, except it's not something that is wrong-everything is wrong. I am scared about what I will do next and what is going to become of me and my career.

I don't wish this addiction on anybody. I have had many sleepless nights and I awake anxious and depressed. My son is 9 years old and is easily bored=if he is not playing with his friends or engaged in something, he gets depressed. I hope he never turns to this addiction. It's a guaranteed lifetime of pain and anxiety.
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Re: A life filled with emotional pain

Postby movingalongwellbut » Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:41 am

I think the key is to fill yourself with new activities/hobbies that make you happy. Is there anything out there that u really want to do but put off due to gambling?

I also found GA to be extremely helpful as I have made friends with like minded people who are battling this bitch of a disease together and brings me a lot of hope and helps keep me out of depression.

You are not alone in this but must treat recovery very seriously.
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Re: A life filled with emotional pain

Postby NewSunRising » Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:44 am

I am sorry to hear that you relapsed NLB .

This addiction does not want to die . It will fight for its survival as hard as any living being would . It will lie , cajole , persuade and demand to get the thing it needs to stay alive . It will hound you until you want to give in from sheer exhaustion . It will try to convince that you don't actually have a gambling problem - you can continue to gamble as long as you set a limit , only do it once in a while or follow any number of self-imposed " rules " when you gamble . It's all lies - bait for the trap .

Relapsing after a period of abstinence often sees the addiction return with greater strength and ferocity . Picture a starving beast that has suddenly been set free at a banquet .

If your wife doesn't know you are battling this , I strongly recommend that you tell her . Accountability is a critical weapon in this fight . You can take back control from this addiction but it won't be easy . Having allies is invaluable whether they are family or GA . You don't have to fight this thing alone . Allow others help you and your strength multiplies .

You can do this NLB . You've proven that already . Make this New Year the beginning of your life without gambling . You and your family deserve that gift .
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Re: A life filled with emotional pain

Postby Notlookingback » Sun Dec 31, 2017 4:20 pm

Thanks for the comments and the words of support. I am feeling better today-looking at everything I have instead of what I do not have. I have a lot to work on this New Year.
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Re: A life filled with emotional pain

Postby nayantara » Fri Jan 19, 2018 11:07 pm

dont give up notlooking back ! next time you feel the urge i beg you come back here it is helping me a great deal! trust me be steady in your committment to not go back and in a few years you can come back and re-read your posts by then you will be in a good headspace! your family and your little boy needs you!
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Re: A life filled with emotional pain

Postby 58gambling » Sat Jan 20, 2018 2:34 am

Not: I don't want to seem unsympathetic, but it appears you have already given up the fight to quit gambling and endeavor to live a good life. You seem resigned to being addicted. If not for yourself, do it for your son and family.
Get help at GA. Really have that desire to quit and live your life the way you ought to.
My daughter saved me from a life of smoking by making me promise to stop. Because I didn't want to let her down, I found the resolve to quit cold turkey. I'm not saying it's the same as quitting gambling, or that it's easy; but it's not impossible.
However, it IS impossible if you THINK it's impossible, and don't make the effort and endeavor to persevere.
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Re: A life filled with emotional pain

Postby Fund Manager » Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:24 pm

Notlookingback wrote:I earned a very very large bonus at work about 45 days ago. I paid a lot of back taxes, gave my wife a chunk of money and gambled the rest.


There is hope however. You exercised enough self discipline not to lose your ENTIRE bonus to gambling, as most gambling addicts would do.

In future, consider giving your wife your ENTIRE bonus to distribute as she feels is appropriate. Most likely, she will use most of the bonus to pay your back taxes, give herself a "reasonable" amount, and leave absolutely nothing for your gambling.
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