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My story and my road to recovery

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Re: My story and my road to recovery

Postby newlife123 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 1:36 am

Have been a little busy with work. Still didn't gamble. Stress is still there.

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Re: My story and my road to recovery

Postby MTlondon » Sat Dec 23, 2017 12:05 am

You’re doing great, still early stages I know but each day will make you stronger.
After a period of not betting, hopefully your thought process changes like mine did, I’m actually scared of doing a bet now, I know one bet can lead to a spiral so easily - why would I put myself through that again ?! Total waste of life, health and money !
Keep fighting it and sooner or later (despite the odd urge) you will see how gambling really is for losers.
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Re: My story and my road to recovery

Postby newlife123 » Sat Dec 23, 2017 4:50 am

Hey guys.. Still staying dtrong. Urges have reduced but the fact that I have to owe my bookie money is daunting me. I will figure it out and get through it.

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Re: My story and my road to recovery

Postby NewSunRising » Sat Dec 23, 2017 12:58 pm

You are doing great Newlife !

The money issue is daunting , I'm sure but consider this - you are no longer digging the hole any deeper . Sometimes just being honest can get you the break you need . Think about telling your bookie straight up that you're through gambling and you need to stop before it destroys you . It could be possible to work out a payment plan with him . You won't know until you ask .

I've had to come out and tell people that I used to hang out with at the casinos that I can't do this anymore . It's not entertainment for me at this point , it's a compulsion and it's going to kill me if I don't stop now . I made excuses to walk away from conversations that were about gambling , I asked them not to call me to tell me about their "big wins" or invite me to "go play" .

For the most part , they were understanding . The ones that wouldn't take me seriously were soon left behind .
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Re: My story and my road to recovery

Postby newlife123 » Wed Dec 27, 2017 6:43 pm

Hello everyone.

Just wanted to give everyone an update.

looks like i failed the first test and my personal commitment. i told myself i will update here everyday. looks like i failed on day 7. i take this as a failure and a success. although i haven't posted here each day. i managed to stay out of gambling. i guess it was because of the holidays and how busy it was, with planning things with the family.

things have been a little tough over the past few days. had to pay my bookie yesterday and he wouldn't give me any payment plans or options, he needed the payment immediately. it was tough and i had to scramble and borrow money from others to make a payment. i paid my bookie immediately after receiving the funds. i am happy about that. i also made specific plans on paying the people who helped me.

over the past couple of days ive been getting very angry really quickly. my wife noticed that i get upset at the smallest statements and make a big deal out of it. i am feeling that as well. i need some advise on the reasoning behind my short temper. is this because im going through withdrawal or what.

ive also had some dreams about me making bets, didnt really wake up from my sleep but had a few dreams where i gambled. i woke up and i was happy that i didnt. i havent really had any urge to gamble since the day i deceided to stop. this could also be because i have no money and i set certain roadblocks where i cant gamble.

During one of the parties, a few suggested lets take a trip down to a casino. i havent gone to a casino is a while, im more into sports but ive lost a lot at casinos as well. i didnt end up going because i had another event to go to. i was glad the next morning that i didnt end up at a casino. because this was my wife relatives and she would have definitely given me her card to go have fun , as she wouldn't want to me going and having no money. it all worked out at the end and im glad.

all in all im going through alot and its been tough, but im glad im not gambling to add to this. ad gambling has caused most of these issues to begin with. i have been coping by reading many posts here and it seems to help me alot.

Thanks for reading and looking forward for feedback:)

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Re: My story and my road to recovery

Postby NewSunRising » Thu Dec 28, 2017 1:00 am

It is most likely that you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms Newlife . I was the same way and went through a period of irritability , depression and moodiness in the beginning of my recovery . I also had dreams of gambling .

Please think about coming clean to your wife . She can be a valuable ally in your recovery . Her offer of her card to go and "have fun" would have been a dangerous and unnecessary temptation . If she was aware that you have decided to stop all gambling , she may have helped you enforce that decision instead . The urge to keep the addiction a secret is one of the things it does to stay alive . If no one knows you have an addiction , then no one will know if you relapse . There's no accountability , no witnesses , no one to help you resist it .

Nearly three years into recovery , when I get the rare urge to gamble , it starts with the words " No one will know ...." . The thought has such a tempting quality to it .

In my case though , people would know . I have told a number of my close friends that I cannot gamble anymore - no grisly details , but they are aware that it caused me a great deal of trouble in the past and it is vital that I keep it out of my life . If I were to be seen gambling in my rather small community , I would be assured of several people contacting me about it . My accountability to them is an important defense against my addiction . Oddly , as much as I have let myself down countless times , it is abhorrent to me to let down the people I love .

I understand that you committed to updating your progress here but I don't see it as a failure that you haven't lately . Life isn't " pass or fail " . I think it's unrealistic to reduce things to such a black and white equation . In my early recovery , I made many , many plans and commitments . A few have come to be fulfilled , quite a lot of them were abandoned for various reasons and new versions of them were tried , kept or discarded as needed .

Congratulations on Day 11 ! Recovery is a long and unpredictable road but one thing is certain :
There is no day so bad that gambling cannot make it worse . I think you're doing great !
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Re: My story and my road to recovery

Postby newlife123 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:42 pm

Hello NSR. i agree with everything you said.

I am planning on telling her soon to make me more accountable. ive set certain roadblocks to help me, but my wife being an ally will be a stronger weapon to battle this.

i am also looking into attending GA meetings. its tough to find a meeting with my work hours. i will definitely go to one soon and see how it is. ive never attended one and im afraid of what it could be. TV shows and social media treats these groups as something terrible, but im sure its great of it has worked for many people.

Yesterday was a better day. i was able to have my mind more clear and work out a battle plan. 1 day at a time. My excel sheet is starting to fill up a little more with my favorite color. cant wait to have it filled out soon.

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Re: My story and my road to recovery

Postby MTlondon » Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:27 pm

Doing great new life

After years of relapses by myself, for me personally telling my partner everything was the biggest milestone and the thought of letting her down by gambling is the main thing which keeps me away. I think i’d feel physically sick doing a bet nowadays.
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Re: My story and my road to recovery

Postby newlife123 » Sun Dec 31, 2017 5:56 pm

Hello Everyone,

i think im having a rough time today.

i borrowed some money from my friend last week to pay off the bookie. I then withdrew some stocks to pay off my friend. i promised i will return it last week but my stocks didnt come through. i then messaged him and told him i will give it to him on Tuesday.

i just realized, because ive made my paychecks go to my wife's account. The stocks also went to her account. i still havent had a chance to tell her about my relapse. ive told her about my issues in the past and she was heart broken. i want to tell her but i want to tell her after paying everyone off. i have no desire to gamble again, but i also dont want to tell her what i need this money for. She saw her account the other day and realized it was higher, and saw the deposit. She isnt sure where that deposit came from. i need help with what to tell her and how im going to make her new years bad. please help!

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Re: My story and my road to rec

Postby prologx » Sun Dec 31, 2017 8:32 pm

The best advice I can give you is to come clean. If you lie again,what’s going to stop you from lying to her again, and again. Because you believe you were successful in an attempt to diffuse the situation by lying, you lie again, so For compulsive gamblers, lying manufacturers itself as it becomes second nature. Compulsive gamblers also tend to be compulsive liars.

I would start by saying something along the lines of. “When you found out about my addiction, I saw how much it broke your heart, it hurt me as well. It is something I didn’t want to do. Its not easy to for me to do this but I believe in a order for me to beat this addiction, I have to tell the truth. I have been gambling..... [tell her every single detail, leave nothing out and come clean].

“It’ll be a lot easier if I didn’t say anything but I’m not about that, I’m an honest person whose just sick. I know I made a mistake but I have had some progress I am 15 days free, but I need you to help me. I need you to hold me accountable, maybe take control of my finances or have access veiw my finances, so there’s nothing that I can hide. “

If you lie eventually she will find out, it will be 100x worst, and she will never believe you again. Never lie, that’s how you break peoples trust, once you break their trust it’s impossible to regain it.

Come clean she will help you beat it.
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