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I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

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I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby itcannotbedone123 » Sat Aug 23, 2014 9:02 pm

Well hello all.

This is gonna be a long post because I am in a complicated and bad situation. Just sayin...

Where do I start? I am late 40s guy who got married way too young to a woman who has her own issues.

I care for her but I never really loved her ...anyway we had 3 kids youngest 12 now. I ran my own business for many yrs and made a lot of money but also racked up a lot of debt and when the downturn started to hit back in 07-08 my gambling went into overdrive.

The problem is my mortgage is impossible to pay but they are giving us some options to pay smaller amounts...however it's only a matter of time before they repossess. My wife has avoidance issues..she has never worked in the near 30 yrs I have known her but she is a great mother and just wants to stay at home...all this puts me under great pressure and I end up betting to try to get enough cash to just leave.

I deluded myself for so long thinking I could make a living from it...that I could make enough to pay for the house and then leave my wife and support myself also. Well 50 grand and 10 yrs later I have only made the situation worse. When my business folded I ended up going on the dole...I have been on it now for 5 yrs! The only reason I get by is because I do jobs on the side (illegally) and that brings in enough for us to get by any extra money I use for gambling on betfair.

I just despise myself. I despise her too most of the time , she is so afraid of the outside world. I have a son who is 22 and never had a job,he does courses but like his mother he has issues with the outside world, if I say anything about it she attacks me and simply says rightly so that "you are a terrible example to him" . I really am. I spend 12 hrs a day or more on my laptop, I have smashed phones and laptops to bits when my bets lose out of frustration. My daughter whom I idolise also is turning out like her mother and brother. She won't do any activities and just sits there on her ipad eating bad food. The man of the house should have a job but I don't, I am too unmotivated to find one and even if I did get one it will never pay near enough to get me out of this debt

I am lazy and useless. I don't know what to do we are a mess. I don't even know if I am posting in the right forum so moderator please move if you want to.
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Re: I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby It's never enough » Sun Aug 24, 2014 6:16 am

Hi, welcome to the forum. It has taken courage for you to have written about your situation.

I think there are a number of things happening for you at the moment and the gambling problem is just one aspect. I would recommend speaking to someone regarding your family situation.

With regards to the gambling my advice is STOP NOW! I got into gambling as a supposed fun way to make some extra money and I ended up in a whole load of trouble, obliterating all of my savings and maxing out credit cards in the process. It was only when I had nothing left to gamble with that I finally accepted my predicament and closed down all of my gambling outlets and drew a line under the whole episode. The debt hole created by gambling just seems to get bigger no matter what you try.

You can rebuild your financial situation. You mention that you are currently on the dole and are working on the side to get by. Presumably you have skills that are in demand? Could you put these to better use, perhaps even acquiring some new skills to make you even more marketable with the aim of getting a new job?

It sounds as if your self esteem has taken a battering. You need to address this, start to feel better about yourself and more positive about life in general. Gambling wrecks your self esteem in my experience, quitting this will help you greatly in feeling better about things.

All the best.
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Re: I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby dax007 » Sun Aug 24, 2014 10:50 am

My friend, I know how you are feeling.. As you said useless and lazy.. Most of us been there..

You say you wife is a good mother, but not so good on real world stuff as your children tend to take after her.. I can relate to this also... You can fix this stuff later, but AT THIS MOMENT you MUST STOP GAMBLING NOW!

You are 40s YOUNG and you have proven in the past you can be a success! YOU WILL CHANGE..Life gives us BAD BREAKS-- We still push.. I can read through the lines you love your family and regardless what anyones thinks you will make this change to stop the damage that is done.. JUST BUY YOU STOPPING THE GAMBLING TODAY 8/23 YOU ARE 1 step ahead.. Money will come and when it comes you use it on important stuff..
FOOD, maybe give it to your wife to store for another place to live,etc,,etc..

As for your morgage.. You will have to talk to someone you trust, but its pretty simple in MY OPINION-- If your house is UPSIDE DOWN and the payment plan the bank is offering you is still to HIGH to afford monthly.. You may want to live in thehouse AS LONG AS POSSIBLE to save up money to move... I have seen people trying to save their house only to fail..

YOU CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING when you dont have money coming in(reg job).. I have seen people where i live , live in their house for 2-3 years and dont pay a dime.. Personally I am not happy about that, but hey our country ask for this years ago with creative financing..

I know its not easy.. Every day i fight the feeling of wanting to hit the tables, but i cant. The litle bit of money i have let I gotta have it for my family... I thnk about my children every day and all my losses(THEIR MONEY I WASTED_ This has help stop me from hitting the tables..

GOOD LUCK
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Re: I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby smartenup » Mon Aug 25, 2014 3:24 am

There comes a point when everything just comes to a head. After reading this site faithfully for months I see everyone struggles with the same addiction demons that you and I wrestle with. Mostly I notice that people are harming themselves indirectly or directly.
Years ago my Pastor gave a sermon about the "Ripple Effect" It has always stuck in my head. I will shorten the moral of the story. If we throw a pebble into a pond or a lake, what happens when it hits the water? Of course it plunks into the pond and when it sinks all you see is the ripples. This of course applies to our choices (good or bad) that we make life.
My heart goes out you. It must be difficult for you not have emotional or financial support within your own family under your own roof. Having the stress of family members depending on you for their survival. A person can only go on like this for so long, even the strongest piece of steel will bend.
These are people that you love however I can see how frustrating it would be not to have a spouse that contributes financially, emotionally and then condones the children's behavior by letting them not grow outside the home. And then blames you for all that is wrong. This would make anyone resentful. When things were going along well enough for you the economy failed no longer allowing you the luxury of making a decent living.
I am not a counselor but I am in the housing industry, building and real estate. You are not alone . There is help. There are ways you can clean this mess up.
You need to search for a way, strength etc. not to gamble and put ALL your energy into seeking advice on this temporary, current dilemma. I am sincere, I have seen and helped dozens of people save their home by 1st getting in touch with their mortgage company. This is the 1st step. Explain your situation. There are advocates out there. I wish I could tell you more but this is not the place.
I will tell you this; stay faithful to this site. People will support you and they do understand. Try to stay focused and energized. When you get your home in order the ripple effect will start.
This could be your stepping stone and not your stumbling block!
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Re: I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby Prairie gal » Mon Aug 25, 2014 5:48 am

Thank you for sharing your sad story. It can get better, but if you
continue to gamble it will only get worse.

I see you wanting to leave the whole mess behind, but most likely
you would just gamble more and make another mess for yourself.

I'm wondering how your wife would respond if you included her as
a partner in your struggles and told her how you really feel about
your life situation and asked her what she is really feeling on the inside?

Your whole family sounds very depressed. Would a family meeting help?
If not... one-on-one talks? Seek solutions together.

Be the leader in your family by starting something POSITIVE. Leave the laptop
and do something with your daughter that she might enjoy. Or take your wife
and youngest one out on a picnic. Ask her what she needs help with around the house.

Don't just sit around in despair. Start taking care of yourself. Exercising? Cleaning up?
Reading this forum. Listening to upbeat music, etc etc.

You CAN make changes in yourself, and you will see the ripple effect.
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Re: I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby itcannotbedone123 » Wed Dec 22, 2021 11:26 pm

Well this post has aged well! Here I am a mere few days before Xmas and I would like to say things have changed for the better but as you good people rightly pointed out way back in 14 if I keep at it it'll only get worse and of course it has. Some things are better too though. My daughter has turned out to be a fine young hard working woman , doing a traditionally male orientated job (motor mechanic ) with aplomb and satisfaction. I am so damn proud of her....of course the feeling isn't mutual from her and why the hell would it be? See I did have more chances, I got back to work in 16 , I had a 50K inheritance in 19, I had small early pension 20K, I earned good money and life was better generally, myself and wife generally tolerate each other and we are still in the house for now thanks to a deal with bank.

You know what's coming next however, yes I kept gambling not every single week (in fact I stopped for 15 months) but when lockdown came I got really bored and for the first time in a decade I had spare cash, I bought some nice guitars but still had leftovers and that where it really hit the fan. 2021 has seen me gamble like an absolute demon and now in a perverse way I have hit rock bottom again only this time there are no more windfalls to support me. I have burned through the money it is all gone, and in many ways I am ######6 delighted I have no options anymore because right now i feel almost on a high. See when I resolved to quit every other time I knew in the back of my mind when money came around I could try again and I really really believed I could find a way to beat the odds because I am that clever see?

Well as I said its not all doom and gloom. For the first time I closed and self excluded on a permanent basis every online gambling account I ever had. I did a forensic analysis of all my losses over the now 15 years because I just needed to know, to own it and its now at about 150,000 euro. Now I have a few hundred euro left to get by and I will get by. I am genuinely now convinced that as my name suggests it cannot be done, i believe this reality now 100%. I have started a ketogenic diet, lost a lot of weight did some fasting and I am a different man. I feel good about my future . I have applied for many jobs and it's looking good for the new year. I will however not be complacent . I know it can and will try to tempt me again but by God I will fight it with everything I have got.

I am in a weird situation in as much as my wife actually does not care if I bet or not, she still is not working but she did get a PT job in fairness to her until covid stopped that. So if I tell my family I have stopped A) they won't believe it and B) if they did they don't care anyway. Sorry it is so long but you got yo go through it if you want to get to it as the old saying goes. I am DONE with gambling, I have NO money but I will get by. I am still dealing and always will feel the shame of loss, the holidays that never were the family times that never happened , I was and am a #######5 father and a #######5 person but I know why. I also know with the help of God I can get through this and redeem myself at least to a degree if you have read through all this you deserve a medal, thank you .
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Re: I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby NewSunRising » Thu Dec 23, 2021 9:30 am

Welcome back ICBD ,

I'm sorry to hear that things went downhill again . This is a lifelong battle , for sure .

itcannotbedone123 wrote:I have burned through the money it is all gone, and in many ways I am ######6 delighted I have no options anymore because right now i feel almost on a high.


This really resonates with me . I remember very well walking out of the casino horrified by what I'd just done to myself but also feeling conscious relief that I had no more money to lose . Leaving myself broke was the only way I could walk away .

Being flat broke was the springboard to my recovery . That , and having a battle plan .

I wish you well ! It's never too late to take your life back .
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Re: I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby itcannotbedone123 » Thu Dec 23, 2021 3:43 pm

Being flat broke was the springboard to my recovery . That , and having a battle plan .

I wish you well ! It's never too late to take your life back .


Yes ain't it a shame we let ourselves go this far? I really appreciate your reply thank you. This morning I am on day 2 gamble free, I am actually getting a kick out of seeing Gamban do it's magic on my devices, blocking every website every promotion even sports scores with any kind of advertising. Big ups for this software! Have a great Xmas my friend!
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Re: I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby Aries411 » Thu Dec 23, 2021 10:22 pm

Welcome back to the forum ICBD,

I read your original post and I am glad things have been a bit better. It really seemed like you were in a desperate situation back then and I am happy you weathered the storm. As NSR mentioned, this illness is really life long. When we at our weakest, our mind can easily make up reasons to go gamble (I can kill some time, I'll only bet a little, I'll just go once today, No one will know, etc.), but we have to try to be aware of those thoughts and have the willpower to stop the action. I remember telling my therapist that is was like a runaway train when I convinced myself to gamble for a bit. And of course, we know what happens when we open that door to gambling...
You have also experienced long stretches of gamble-free time (Great job!) and I know you can do it again. Many will feel that they are back to ground zero when we gamble again, but that isn't true. You KNOW what it is like to be gamble-free. You KNOW what you have to do to become gamble-free again. You just have to patch up some holes in your recovery and you have gained so much experience over the past few years.
You are definitely back on the right track and I'll be rooting for you for the rest of this year and the years to come!!
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Re: I gamble because I am in debt and unhappy with my marriage

Postby itcannotbedone123 » Thu Dec 23, 2021 11:07 pm

Thank you Aries . You are so right about not being back to square one we do Know what is required, it is not so daunting as it was for me yrs ago even though I lost so much more money and of course time and family time, however I just feel better prepared to fight it this time, tonight I went to a GA meeting and was able to tell others about my experiences, other who can understand and it felt good. Have a great Xmas and I am so grateful for your well wishes! I will use this thread to update you and anyone who is interested on my road to recovery if that is ok !
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