Could I Have A Food Addiction?

New here and wondering if food addiction could be my problem. If you don't mind reading this I'd appreciate any insight. Since I'm new to this so I'm just going to put it out there **this might contain triggers**.

I'm a 36 year old female,and am significantly overweight. I've been increasingly overweight since my 20's. I've tried diets and exercise programs but I always manage to put back on everything I've lost and then some. Food feels like my only happiness in life, and I've admitted as much out loud. In the morning the only reason I ever want to get out of bed is mostly because I can't wait to eat something. I'll lay in bed and think about what we have in the fridge/pantry and my excitement for whatever we has is what gets me going. If it's a lean week and we don't have anything good (ie; chips, candy, string cheese, soda, ice cream) I become so depressed that I don't want to get up. Once I'm up all I do is think about what I can eat next. All day long. I wear a path in the floor from the couch to the kitchen. When I'm in front of other people I'll eat a normal amount, at a normal pace, and leave a normal amount on my plate all hoping to avoid judgement (can't be the fat girl who cleans her plate), but I'll go home and stuff my face.

I rarely ever leave the house. I dread it. I feel so fat, so unattractive, that I don't want people to look at me. I don't even own any decent clothes that fit me anymore and I refuse to buy clothes for my fat self. She doesn't deserve it. She shouldn't even try. I live in fear of being invited to anything. I ended up quitting my full time job because I always had so much anxiety about going out in public and being judged. And I struggled with trying to look nice and professional while I hated myself so much. I would never eat lunch in front of anyone, I rarely ate anything in front of anyone. Which is lame, I'll admit, because OBVIOUSLY I love eating...no one becomes this overweight suddenly or by accident. So now my husband and I are struggling to live off his income alone which means no vacations, no fun outings, no fun purchases. Thankfully we can afford pizza.

I don't have Facebook or any kind of social media account because I used to be really pretty and I don't want anyone from my past to see what I've done to myself. I'm basically hiding from the world. I don't feel like I deserve to go out anyway. I go to great lengths to hide from friends and family because I worry there will be cameras and pictures of Fat Me will end up on Facebook, and I worry about how my friends and family might judge me. In fact my sister asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and initially I said yes but now I'm trying to think of a good reason to back out. I can't imagine standing up in front of 150 people and be judged, never mind that she'll plaster pics all over Facebook (as is her right as the happy bride) and people will see what I've become, how far I've fallen. I'm just hoping to avoid all the anxiety and depression that I know will come with trying to "pretty up" myself and, naturally, fall short.

With all of the ways that my eating habits have ruined my life (more than I've mentioned here) it occurs to me that I've allowed it to happen. And continue to allow it. But most of the time I feel powerless to eat less or more healthfully. Junk food feels like my only happiness. Even if it's just a moment of happy here and there. Going to the grocery store almost feels like (what I imagine) going to buy drugs feels like. I'm wondering if I could have a food addiction. If I do I definitely came by it naturally...before she passed, my mother was a (recovering) drug addict and alcoholic. Somehow I seem to have sidestepped those issues but I'm SO fat. I'd almost rather be an alcoholic or drug addict because at least those people don't WEAR their addictions, not all of them anyway. Anyone who looks at me, instead of through me, will assume I'm weak, suffering, lazy, unhappy, etc etc... It's so embarrassing to be overweight.

Do I have a food addiction do you think?

Well, thanks for the support everyone. Coming here was a waste of time.

i hope you will get this message.
i am here to listen and support you and am currently reading your message.
i too have been hurt by no responses, particularly on here.

you are not alone in your pain.
i will respond more when i finish reading your story.

i care.

-- Sat Jan 03, 2015 8:27 am --

my opinion is you could say you have a food addiction. you can also say, as i will say for myself, that food helps you deal with your pain, as it does for mine.
i am so sad that i did not reach you in time for you to get off of this site, if you have.
i will pray for you.

i understand the fantasies of food that you have. i have them too.

my husband and family do not understand nor struggle as i do with food.

i too don't want to go out and finding clothes in my closet that fit is becoming harder.

i am slowly gaining weight.

i just want you to know that your story has helped me not feel so alone in my shame.

i also didn't get with my family for christmas, my b-day, thanksgiving, and new years because of my weight gain.

my husband has lost a lot of weight which makes me more obvious.

i go to the same local store every day and so i'm humiliated and have panic attacks and anxiety about going and them seeing my gain.

i hope and pray we both can get out of this rut and pit.
there is hope.