Autopsy video on Youtube (TW)

Hi, I have been having intrusive thoughts about a Youtube video. If you look at my other threads you will see that the situation is complicated by the fact that I have an autopsy fetish for autopsies on women.

Sadly it appears that someone from India (a country notorious for very sick practices against females) has uploaded a video of an autopsy on a young girl, aged maybe 10. They have really crossed the line but Youtube doesn't seem to care. I have seen the thumbnail of this video and that is shocking enough, her abdomen is slit open. For the last couple of days my intrusive thoughts have been bombarding me, partially flashbacks of the thumbnail picture of the video and partially imagination of what happens to the girl's body in the video.

I have seen an autopsy conducted by the same man on a woman and to say he is rough with her corpse would be an understatement. Sometimes I have flashes of how he would have treated this child's dead body.

Needless to say, autopsies on women are something I am turned on by and the fear of being turned on by a girl's autopsy is very real. It is too close to what I am turned on by and that worries me. I have been having "checking" events and passively monitoring them throughout the last couple of days for groinal responses. As usual, these prove ambiguous at best. Even when I go to bed I am thinking about this poor girl's gruesome fate and the fact that these uncaring monsters videoed it as well. I just feel like I am in my very own psychological horror movie.

It was actually one of the things I always feared but I thought would never happen, coming across autopsy footage of a child. It is like my worst nightmare realised.

I have been aware of the video since the start of the year. This latest incident has been as a result of searching for autopsy videos on Youtube of adult female autopsies but this video came up in the related videos sidebar.

When I have previously came across the video, I have always avoided it and managed to quell my OCD latching onto it but for some reason it has hit me hard this time round. Just the thought that this young girl got butchered in real life even without the video is too much for my mind to take.

I know how messed up this sounds and it really is a story for the modern age, on a commercial website like Youtube you never expect this kind of thing, it is not as thought I have been lurking around on the deep web. I really think I have taken first place for the most obscure and far fetched messed up OCD situation people must have come across on here. Sorry about this but I feel I must write all this down.

Well this reached a head yesterday when I was at work. I work in a supermarket overnight and as I was busy taking items out of boxes, placing them on shelves and flattening the cardboard, I could not stop thinking of this young girl's brutal treatment at the hands of the so called pathologist.

Indeed I haven't watched that particular video of her autopsy, but I have watched other autopsy videos by the same guy and he doesn't go easy on the cadaver. The images and graphic commentary like "He ripped her underdeveloped bladder, uterus and ovaries out" kept playing over and over in my head, despite having to interact with other workers it didn't go away, which is something that normally works to bring me out of my OCD slumber.

The thoughts were vivid, my imagination was almost as though I was watching the autopsy video itself (even though I have only seen the thumbnail) and I felt I would definitely get a groinal response. Unfortunately I gained an erection for the next 10 minutes. So it would seem that the autopsy of a prepubescent girl does turn me on, if I take getting an erection whilst suffering from the intrusive thoughts as evidence, which I know is not to be taken as so but it is hard not to. This is strange that this incident happened not whilst I was at home or other familiar place with nothing to do but whilst I was working under pressure trying to focus on something.

Even when I was occupied with something I couldn't stop the thoughts from getting to me. This feels like my OCD taking one last swipe at me before I finally beat it, but by god it's a big one. I really can't think of something worse, being aroused by an autopsy on a little girl.

It is strange because previously I have seen the thumbnail for the video and thought "holy crap, that is sick" and just moved on but this time it has really stuck. I was searching for autopsy content of adult females a couple days ago and I had forgotten all about the young girl's autopsy video but then I saw it in related videos and it took me a moment to realise what it was then my OCD kicked in extra hard as a result.

I hate this obsession because it distracts me from real life, my OCD drags me kicking and screaming into a very dark and depressing place. I don't want all this, I feel like I have sinned by getting an erection to those intrusive thoughts. At least if some people know my offenses on here, that takes some of the pressure off.

I am almost tempted to go and watch that video to prove to myself that I am not turned on by it, but I know that would only go one way and I would have actually done something wrong rather than just having suffered from intrusive thoughts about it.

After this incident it seems like because the worst has happened now, the intrusive thoughts have gone, it can't get any worse than getting an erection whilst having those thoughts, so in a way I should be happy that is the end of that chapter but I am left with a pathological desire to find out exactly what happened and try to test myself but having more thoughts and seeing what my reaction is.

I know this is the OCD but it is so hard to let go, I want to do something to prove to myself that I was not turned on and in fact repulsed by the idea of her autopsy. I really think that I don't know how to move on from this at all. I have a life to be getting on with and cannot let this stop me but at the same time this incident makes me feel like my worst fear has been realised.

Yesterday I was convinced I was a paedophile due to the incident in the supermarket the night before where I could not shake the intrusive thoughts of the child autopsy video on Youtube. Today that feels like a million miles away, the sun is out and I feel good again. This was a very intense OCD incident, it hit my self esteem very hard, I have not felt like I did yesterday for a long, long time. I shouldn't have attached any meaning to my "groinal response", I was paranoid about having one so I had one, that's all there is to it. I was busy doing manual labor FFS! It disturbs me deeply how my OCD can rip me away from real life and drag me to this nightmare world. Just to think my OCD just needed that trigger of seeing the thumbnail picture of that girl naked with her abdomen slit open. It still disturbs me but it feels so much more distant and vague than it did yesterday. I don't know what the conclusion to all this is. I don't know how to move forwards as I feel that now I am tainted compared to last week. Now if other people heard about this incident they would think that I was aroused to that girl's autopsy.

Well I am fully over this incident now, but looking back that was one of the worst OCD incidents I have ever had. I just could not get the thoughts of that girl's autopsy out of my head. The fact that it is something that actually happened sickens me to this day. But on the other hand the thoughts are gone. They are not tormenting me, my mind is clear like a crisp winter's morning where the sun is out and the sky is blue.

I really think working nights and being tired has a negative effect on my mental health. I could literally not stop thinking about that video. I am glad I never watched it in the end to prove I am not turned on by it. That really would have been the height of OCD induced craziness.

It worries me that my mind can take things to these extremes of bombardment with a particular thought that I don't wish to have. After the groinal event it felt like the tension and anxiety of the thoughts had dissipated because there was nothing "worse" that could happen, but I felt like I wanted the thoughts again so that I could get through them without a groinal event.

Of course, when the groinal event itself happened I was thinking of autopsies in general as well as the specific girl's autopsy. My mind was not able to separate the thoughts of what I was turned on by from what I feared being turned on by.

It is a shame because I used to be really shy in general and a few years ago when I was finally getting out of that my P0CD started which makes me feel really shy and reserved because I imagine what if people knew about these groinal events and thoughts that caused them, what would they think? They would judge me ruthlessly.

These kinds of incidents just make me want to hide away when I am suffering from them, yet at the same time when I am not suffering from them I feel like I could do anything and it makes me wonder how effective in life I could be if I never had 0CD. Like how I could fulfil my potential instead of worrying about crazy stuff and getting depressed over it then getting out of it in a cycle.

Hey. I have no experience of anything you wrote but I feel bad that no one responded to you.

How are you feeling now?

Is it usual for OCD events to sometimes only last a few days and then go? I'm new to realising I might have OCD and I keep worrying my symptoms don't last long enough.

I got over this, although I didn't really do anything to get over it. Yes they do come and then go, at least for me. The cycle is normally have intrusive thought>try to resist having it>can't get it out of my head>constantly obsessing over it>full blown intrusive thought incident>get depressed>recover.

They are a very serious mental health issue that affects the sufferer hugely. But don't feel bad that no one replied, due to the nature of the illness there are many threads that need replying to on this forum.