Extreme, violent fetishes [TRIGGERING]

WARNING: If you are easily offended or triggered, please move on to another topic.

Okay, I have fetishes for some crazy stuff, like rape, torture, asphyxiation, murder, and necrophilia, and I am more attracted to pubescent girls than to adult women. I know better than to tell anyone in real life about this, let alone act on any of it. But I'm living with a secret and it kind of weighs on me, psychologically. I know a lot of people in my day-to-day life would hate me if they discovered this stuff. And when I reveal it anonymously on the internet, like right now, I am accustomed to receiving death threats and other aggressive behavior. I've developed depression and anxiety, and I'm quite socially isolated. Do you have any advice for how to live with this sort of stuff? I know I can't change my sexual preferences, but I have to get on with my life somehow.

Oh Jesus. This is horrible, and I understand how horrible you must feel having to bear this.
When did your fetishes start? What do you find so appealing about them? Have you ever considered acting out, or can you control yourself? How difficult is it to control yourself on a scale from 1 to 10? On a scale from 1 to 10 how important are your fetishes to you?

Well, at this point I'm fairly...desensitized. I started realizing I was attracted to children when I went through puberty. You know, when I was in Elementary and middle school I developed attraction for the other kids, and in high school, I thought it was kind of weird that I was attracted to the freshmen more than the seniors. Other kids talked about celebrities being so attractive, but I didn't agree with their tastes, I preferred younger girls. I'm still not sure whether the word pedophile is applicable to me. I don't prefer prepubescent girls to pubescent girls. I'm sure of that. However I am somewhat attracted to prepubescent girls. And I might as well mention I'm attracted to adult women as well, but less than to teens. So I repressed it until a little after high school, but it started at around the same time as puberty. I realized I was aroused by violence when I was exposed to bdsm online. I had some inklings of it earlier, I think. Seeing women in peril in films and reading news reports about sexual abuse caused me arousal. It was kind of disturbing at first. I didn't realize the full extent to which I was aroused by violence until I read erotic stories and viewed violent drawings online.

I've thought about acting out. I'm sure I could enjoy it. But it's really impractical. And I don't really want other people to suffer. I mean, sometimes I feel desperately sad and hate the world, but that's different. And I'm satisfied sexually by pornography. It's emotionally that I am dissatisfied. I want friendship, love, companionship. I would enjoy consensual bdsm with a partner who is in to that. But in all my actions in my life, I've really been a very gentle person. Shy, reserved, quiet, tame. Perhaps too much so.

So, your scales. I assume 10 means most extreme.
Self-control difficulty: 2
Importance: 6

I do enjoy my fetishes. I wish they were less...taboo, but I don't get to choose. It's one of the few things I enjoy in life, getting sexual pleasure. I could probably masturbate less, but I enjoy it, so I don't want to stop.

I don't really believe there's a lot I can do to reduce external stigma. I've never acted, and avoiding that is obviously a good idea, but I'll always be a hebephile, erotophonophile, necrophile, sadist, whatever label, just because I have the attraction and can't change that.

But the real problems in my life are a result of my depression and anxiety that stem from this and other problems. I was isolated as a child, had a lot of stress from parents and teachers, and received a...how should I say...normal, amount of bullying. So that's what I'm really having trouble with. It's hard to talk to anyone about my problems, because when I tell them this they get very scared and distracted, but if I don't I have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind from the secrecy of hiding what I'm thinking about. I no longer trust psychologists. The last one refused to treat my depression and essentially offered the equivalent of gay conversion therapy for my attraction to children. I didn't even tell him about my sadistic attractions. He would have been horrified. So right now I'm on an antidepressant. That's all I've got. Can't tell anybody about my attractions. Don't have any friends. Just sitting at my desk at home sipping coffee and avoiding my emotions. I know crying doesn't make it better, it just makes it so I can't breathe through my nose for an hour, lolz.

Edit:it double posted me for some reason, not sure what happened. Hopefully it's fixed now.

Wow, that is all very curious. I mean, there are no straight, direct relations/causes for this in your youth, except maybe for the pressure and bullying, though many people are bullied who don't develop such preferences. Maybe it's an outlet for the anger you still feel? I mean I like watching "Investigation discovery" for fun when I'm angry at the world, too, and I think it's sort of perverted but whatever. So do you have any idea how those fetishes came to be? Can you explain what it is that makes you more attracted to teenage girls than adult women?
A lot of women are into bdsm, that shouldn't be a problem. But what do you consider torture?
Your therapists don't sound very professional, I would look for another if I were you, though I understand it. I am still undecided if I still have faith in them.
I'm glad you don't have much problems with self control. I understand what you mean about sexual pleasure being one of the few things that still bring joy. However your general wish for a relationship and ability to be satisfied with porn, shows that your fetishes don't have to be a problem at all,especially considering your high self-control. So maybe you should accept that no one is perfect morally and that as long as you don't act upon your fetishes it's ok?

I really don't know what "caused" any of my fetishes. Being male and attracted to young women and developing girls kind of makes sense. But the sadism, not so much. By "torture", I mean anything from caning, to asphyxiation, to amputation of limbs, to branding... In real life, I would like to do a little consensual spanking that doesn't leave scars and some mild asphyxiation, not to the point of passing out. But generally it should be relegated to fantasy. I would like to be able to accept myself, but it's kind of difficult, especially seeing as almost no one else does. I'm not sure how to do that.

Yes, I guess the first thing is even common in cultures such as Japan. Not to say it's good, not at all in my opinion but at least more accepted.
from experience I'd say girls or women into bdsm are often open to the things you want. And they will enjoy it, too. Maybe even the branding.
As for amputation of limbs, I was fascinated by it due to a manga I read. You shouldn't be ashamed of it if you never want to do this in real life. Different strokes for different folks right. You should only stop telling others about it who won't get it and judge you without knowing you, that's silly. Why do you care about a strangers opinions anyway? They have their flaws too, only they don't dare to admit them

Hmmm, I suppose a lot of people are in denial about this sort of thing. That makes me feel a little better. But I'm very lonely. I need to make friends. I keep thinking people don't want to be with me but maybe that's not always true.

I am glad you feel a little bit better. I understand what you mean, I have the same. I mean if people knew of my fetishes I'm sure they would hate me too. But who wants to know about another person's sex life anyway? It's private (except on the internet). And as long as a person does not hurt another there is no real problem.

Unimportant wrote:And as long as a person does not hurt another there is no real problem.

This is an important note to take from all this, while everything seems equally bad and riddled with guilt, depression and self destruction but it is also important to note that you have kept things in check for some time and you should be proud of that.

Destruction by isolation is one of the most harmful things and an aspect that is near unavoidable for anyone who has any remote fetish. Even online things still are isolated, sure you can discuss and chat openly but ultimately we still feel alone because there is nothing physical to tie on to.

I will say now I share every one of your fetishes and more at that and much like yourself they are high importance for me along side some others but despite me telling you this and me reading that you are share the same things it still feels lonely as if nobody really understands.

None of these things are ever going to be easy to live with or get by, what we have to do is take each day as it comes. You could easily scream until you are blue in the face that even though you like these things you have done nothing wrong and yet people will always assume the very worst when they both have no right to or reason to.

My inbox is always open if you feel you should want to talk. And welcome to a safe place.

I can understand how you feel, it's horrible when no one understand you,if you ever want to talk just send me a message