by tiggy » Fri Oct 16, 2015 6:53 pm
Well, at this point I'm fairly...desensitized. I started realizing I was attracted to children when I went through puberty. You know, when I was in Elementary and middle school I developed attraction for the other kids, and in high school, I thought it was kind of weird that I was attracted to the freshmen more than the seniors. Other kids talked about celebrities being so attractive, but I didn't agree with their tastes, I preferred younger girls. I'm still not sure whether the word pedophile is applicable to me. I don't prefer prepubescent girls to pubescent girls. I'm sure of that. However I am somewhat attracted to prepubescent girls. And I might as well mention I'm attracted to adult women as well, but less than to teens. So I repressed it until a little after high school, but it started at around the same time as puberty. I realized I was aroused by violence when I was exposed to bdsm online. I had some inklings of it earlier, I think. Seeing women in peril in films and reading news reports about sexual abuse caused me arousal. It was kind of disturbing at first. I didn't realize the full extent to which I was aroused by violence until I read erotic stories and viewed violent drawings online.
I've thought about acting out. I'm sure I could enjoy it. But it's really impractical. And I don't really want other people to suffer. I mean, sometimes I feel desperately sad and hate the world, but that's different. And I'm satisfied sexually by pornography. It's emotionally that I am dissatisfied. I want friendship, love, companionship. I would enjoy consensual bdsm with a partner who is in to that. But in all my actions in my life, I've really been a very gentle person. Shy, reserved, quiet, tame. Perhaps too much so.
So, your scales. I assume 10 means most extreme.
Self-control difficulty: 2
Importance: 6
I do enjoy my fetishes. I wish they were less...taboo, but I don't get to choose. It's one of the few things I enjoy in life, getting sexual pleasure. I could probably masturbate less, but I enjoy it, so I don't want to stop.
I don't really believe there's a lot I can do to reduce external stigma. I've never acted, and avoiding that is obviously a good idea, but I'll always be a hebephile, erotophonophile, necrophile, sadist, whatever label, just because I have the attraction and can't change that.
But the real problems in my life are a result of my depression and anxiety that stem from this and other problems. I was isolated as a child, had a lot of stress from parents and teachers, and received a...how should I say...normal, amount of bullying. So that's what I'm really having trouble with. It's hard to talk to anyone about my problems, because when I tell them this they get very scared and distracted, but if I don't I have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind from the secrecy of hiding what I'm thinking about. I no longer trust psychologists. The last one refused to treat my depression and essentially offered the equivalent of gay conversion therapy for my attraction to children. I didn't even tell him about my sadistic attractions. He would have been horrified. So right now I'm on an antidepressant. That's all I've got. Can't tell anybody about my attractions. Don't have any friends. Just sitting at my desk at home sipping coffee and avoiding my emotions. I know crying doesn't make it better, it just makes it so I can't breathe through my nose for an hour, lolz.
Edit:it double posted me for some reason, not sure what happened. Hopefully it's fixed now.