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Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby SmallTalkRed » Mon Feb 01, 2010 10:22 pm

You all work so hard and support each other I think this will help in several ways.

This way Borderlines might see or relate to something, and become self aware about a BPD behavior.
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Re: Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby KMTTP » Tue Feb 02, 2010 1:57 pm

Awesome! I am sure this is just what we need....thanks :)
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Re: Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby KMTTP » Thu Feb 04, 2010 12:41 am

This is an unsent letter to my ex.


I sit here dazed and confused…. angry and hurt….lonely and unloved…sad and guilty…used and tossed away.

No…this wasn’t just a relationship that went sour…two people drifting apart. A break up that involved mutual respect for one another. This didn’t even involve a clear understanding of why things ended.

This was a place in which I never want to go again. A place where I lost myself….felt deeply ‘ashamed’ of the things that I actually put up with. A short period of time where I performed horribly at my job that I have had for 12 years….distanced myself from the people that loved me most….a period…where I made YOU my world.

Yeah…I thought I found ‘the one’….someone who was beautiful inside and out. Family oriented….great morals/values….kind/caring…awesome sense of humor and great strength.

Then it all came crashing down…..the rages….jealousy…verbal abuse…..attempts to isolate me….the threats….the lies.

(and a side from you just pushing me away…I understand more of that now)
I will never forget these two things that you said to me…It rocked me to the core and tore my soul apart:

1-I used my brother’s death for my own gain. I cry every time I write this. YOU knew how hard it was for me to lose him….YOU KNEW IT! Who says that?! What gain?! I confided in you…trusted you enough to open up and talk about how I missed him. You know how close my family is. And you said it only 6 mos. after his passing and the day after we celebrated his birthday without him. How cruel!

2-I will not forget the day you screamed at me on the phone in the middle of my work day. Just because you were so upset that I did not pick up the phone the night before due to me getting sick of your verbal abuse. So I put my ringer on silent and went to bed. Because…YES..I had to work in the morning. YOU didn’t. Woke up to 70 texts, 20 voice messages and a bunch of emails. Nah…that wasn’t what tore my soul apart….that was just the beginning. YOU went so low…as to email my sister on fb…who btw did not even know you. YOU went on and on about how it was an emergency that she get a hold of me. Yeah…she has 3 kids and works full time…that is all she needs. Luckily my sis was understanding and compassionate. Then during your rage filled phone call with me at work….you screamed that you were dying of STOMACH CANCER and then said you never want me to talk to you again. Threatened to have me fired from my job if I called you back…you then hung up. WTF?! I had to leave work just to get away and cried for hours at the thought of you having cancer. I cried for your 9 year old son who you loved and was filled with grief at the thought of him losing you. You let me think you had cancer for the whole afternoon. When you finally called me later and I asked about the cancer, you said it was a tumor and insinuated that you had no idea if it was even cancerous. Then you changed the subject entirely. Tumor? nah…it ended up being more like a cyst on your ovary. Far cry…don’t you think? But I never even called you on it…because I just did not want more drama. And I felt bad for you and realized that there really was something wrong with you. I just did not have a clue.



Yet….I still loved you….still do. xo

“Still loving you”….doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me….BUT…if I even contemplate (which I did early on) to get back together with you….well, that would mean there is something wrong with me….something unhealthy.

At the end of all this….I still want you to know that you are a good soul…just a sick one. Just b/c you are sick…does not mean you can’t get better. And I wish you happiness and for you to be able to see that light at the end of your dark tunnel.

I will never forget you….you are loved honey…by me…your sweet son, your awesome parents and siblings….and your wonderful friends. I hope that God can seep into your soul and protect you. And I pray to my brother that he watch over you….he said he would.

Who knows….maybe one day our souls will meet again….I ‘SOMETHING’ you………never forget KMTTP…xoxo forever..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qluu9upYPsk
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Re: Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby ErrorType11Kid » Thu Feb 04, 2010 1:05 am

Hi K,

I read through your letter there is one thing that I'd like to say.

While you do so great emotion and I'm sure it would pull some heartstrings with her, she DID no mean to hurt you. This may sound crazy. Put let me put it this way.

The person that she is, may be hidden by her disease. I know you may want to make her feel guilty for what she has done, her to feel the pain that you have gone through so you feel like its on an even playing field, yet I have a feeling all it will do is give her more ammunition to try and make you feel worse!

I really hope she does goto therapy for your sake and your childs. I really suggest that you may want to see someone, I'm sure there are somethings that you would like to get off your chest.

Error.
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Re: Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby KMTTP » Thu Feb 04, 2010 2:00 am

Thanks! I appreciate that....And my whole intention of writing this is to 'vent'. I am not planning on sending this to her...thus labeling it an 'UN sent letter'....I just wanted to get out all of the things that I never said...and move on as a form of therapy. I know deep down in her soul she did not mean it. That is why I sill love her and wish her happiness. This letter was for "ME"...a means to express and let go....

In a weird way...it has nothing to do with her...just my release. Just as an example...my parents were both alcoholics when I was young...went through horrible times...BUT, I knew they were good...just were sick. BUT that does not mean that I did not feel pain or hurt...

With all do respect...I think you got the wrong idea regarding this post....I am not trying to place guilt onto someone else or play head games...again UNSENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And btw...it is not my child. And our relationship was only for 4 months.
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Re: Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby ErrorType11Kid » Thu Feb 04, 2010 2:20 am

Ah, well I do see it as a good way of coping, I took it as you would like us to take a look at it before you send it.

I think, as with everything, there is a certain moment when you realize that things are getting better. Just an example, Ive landscaped my whole life and loved every moment of it. When I entered my relationship and figured she needed help getting better, WRONG. She needed to get better and I needed to be supportive. One day about a month after a break up, I was dying sweating in the middle of summer finishing a wall for a customer in the middle of a farm area. Every thing was quiet and the wind blew and cooled me off immedietely. RIght then I remembered how much I trult loved this before I brought all that stress upon myself.

Is this bashing her, NO! not in the least bit. I hope she seeks help, finds a loving man, and has a wonderful life, I have just realized that I and only me, am not able to handle it.

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Re: Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby brainiac » Fri Feb 12, 2010 2:45 am

I am struggling with something my BPD daughter told me after she and I had an argument. I was told that I must change the way I react to her or she might have to one day say goodbye to me. Can anyone help me with this?
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Re: Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby DowntownDC » Sat Feb 13, 2010 7:20 pm

brainiac wrote:I am struggling with something my BPD daughter told me after she and I had an argument. I was told that I must change the way I react to her or she might have to one day say goodbye to me.
Brainiac, unless your reactions are inappropriate, her threat is extortion, plain and simple. It is the worst form of extortion because she knows that, next to her death, her leaving is your greatest fear. Untreated BPDs can behave that way to loved ones. They feel that they were so powerless all through childhood that they now must control everything and anyone they can. Just like a four year old, they will use coertion, threats, tantrums -- anything they can to control your behavior, forcing you to meet their needs.

Significantly, this is not being malicious or evil. Rather, it is being childish and selfish. If you have weak personal boundaries, your response will be to become an enabler -- allowing her to remain stuck in her childish ways -- by walking on eggshells, thereby sacrificing your own needs to the point of not even behaving like your normal self.

Yet, unlike an actual four year old, untreated BPDs have an enormous amount of hurt and anger that they have carried for many years. Hence, instead of using their energy to get well, they choose instead to get even. That is, each time they feel anger building up, they do not allow the adult part of their minds to follow the anger to its source. Instead, they choose to attribute it to some external object (you) so they can continue their role as a victim entitled to never-ending revenge and endless compensation for perceived injuries.

It is important to recognize that your daughter makes that choice on a day-by-day and hour-by-hour basis. Although the choice is her downfall, her ability to change it is her ticket out of the maze. By choosing not to be a victim, she can free her adult to figuring out where the anger actually comes from. Hence, knowing that she can choose getting well over getting even is empowering. It means she has the power to heal herself if she decides to do so and gets adequate professional guidance.

It is very unlikely, however, that you can increase the chances of her making that correct decision. The most pernicious aspect of this illness is that, by undermining her ability to know who she is, it destroys her ability to trust herself. That means, of course, she cannot trust anyone else, including you. So you won't be believed.

This BPD forum is unique in offering you the best opportunity to get views from both BPDs and Nons who are supportive of each other. We will be happy to try to answer your questions and to share our experiences. I nonetheless suggest you supplement our views with those of the many parents like you at the Parenting with a Borderline forum at BPDfamily.com.
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Re: Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby SmileXx » Sat Feb 13, 2010 7:36 pm

DowntownDC wrote:
brainiac wrote:I am struggling with something my BPD daughter told me after she and I had an argument. I was told that I must change the way I react to her or she might have to one day say goodbye to me.
Brainiac, unless your reactions are inappropriate, her threat is extortion, plain and simple.


For the sake of being both argumentative and knowing what it's like to have to tell someone that they need to react differently to me or I'm booking it...
I'm going to vote the reactions are inappropriate **taking into consideration the nature of your BPD daughter***.

For real. You can't react to a BPDer the same as you normies react to each other.
We get mad, or depressed, or something else plague-like happens...

The best reaction you can give her is a cookie.
Works every single time.
crimsonandclover wrote:Sometimes the greatest source is from within. And accepting whats in there.

veloruia wrote:We all have a bit of Smile in us.

onebravegirl wrote:Shine on and Smile on my beautiful 2D pal.


Da Rulz
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Re: Non-Borderline Support thread.....

Postby ErrorType11Kid » Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:29 am

*Goes to the bakery*

10000 Cookies please.

lol :wink:

Error
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