Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Thank God for the internet and this forum.

In the past three or four weeks, I've digested volumes on the subject of Delusional Disorder, but by chance, I found this board and read a number of the posts.

At first, I thought my wife's insistence that she smelled foul odors was due to her sinuses infections and allergies. I have the same problems and can attest to smelling odors that's really inside your head. Even when she swore that she was giving off offensive odors from various body parts, which I would dutifully sniff up close and personal, I tried to convince her that all was well and it had to be her sinuses.

When she started accusing me of having sex with every woman we knew, including all of her relatives (living and dead), i thought it was due to her jealousies and insecurities.

When she got sick the day after eating something I'd cooked and swore that I poisoned her the day before, I learned two phrases not to use: "It's all in your head." and "Calm down." These became some type of battle cry that incited her anger like I'd never seen before.

When she began confronting women about having affairs with me and confronting other people about spying on her, I began gently ushering her to a psychologist. That was out of the question, since nothing was wrong with her. The problem was me. I was just lying on her. I lied all of the time. I was the son of Satan and God would punish me and my evil cohorts. I told her she was right and I needed help. I asked her accompany me... to keep me from lying to the doctor. She agreed.

During the first session, I asked how to I convince my wife that she did not have a foul odor to be self-conscious about. She interrupted with a lengthy explanation. The doctor didn't get it and seemed a bit confused about our disagreement about body odors. He said if anyone would know my wife's body, it would be her.

Three sessions later, I asked the doctor to please help me to stop spying and conspiring with others to spy on her and to destroy her. She took the bait and jumped right in. As she laid her unreasonable suspicions on the line, as facts, she even explained how I was the son of Satan and she was the daughter of God. Eureka! He got it. He began questioning her and I slowly saw the mask of anger cloud over her face. She fell silent and glared at him as she had done at me for so many times. She asked why was he questioning her? I was the sick one! True to form, she accused him of being on my side. When he told her that he suspected that she should get evaluated for “Delusional Disorder”, the proverbial spit hit the fan. She raged in an suspicious anger that she usually reserved for only I. He should have felt honored. She called him a know-nothing quack and stormed out of his office. Of course, when I got to the car, its was hell to pay. I was setting her up. I got a doctor that was part of the conspiracy against her.
By the way, that was the first that I can recall hearing the term “Delusional Disorder”.

When the family counselor recently told me that experts seem to be convinced that Delusional Disorder is biological, I find myself in agreement. As I think back over the past thirty years with my Lady Love, I can recall subtle cues and sporadic episodes that flared and faded away. I can remember so many conclusions jumped, so many lines read-between and so many false accusations directed. It goes back before we met, as I can remember the history of her not getting along with certain co-workers and neighbors.

However, we were peas and carrots, George and Louise Jefferson, Ricky and Lucy Ricardo (sp), the sun and the moon, the sea and the wind. We were a match. We were the gloves that fit each others hearts perfectly. Unfortunately, this perfect union became stained with so many accusations of infidelity, which I unwisely dismissed as simple jealousies gone awry. Somewhere along the line, these accusations became I, along with a host of co-conspirators, was trying to poison and otherwise destroy her.

Months ago, she'd disappear. It was always to someone who'd been convinced that they were giving shelter to a woman in danger. Never did it take long for them to realize that what they were dealing with was a woman in trouble, and they would always somehow get in touch with us, her family. During her absences, not only did she pay for transportation to her flight to sanctuary, but hotel rooms and payment to people in advance to drive a rental truck and pull her car on a trailer to relatives six states away. I found this out one day when a frail old lady, who'd never driven a truck of any size, nor pulled a trailer, showed up to do the job that she'd been paid in advance to do. Rather than have my wife risk life and limb, to escape her imagined dangers, I got her safely to her relatives, while I bargained with her to get evaluated and treated. Its become clear that there's nothing I can do, legally, to force her to get treated.

Of course, her previous attempts from her imagined enemies, didn't come cheaply. To finance these attempts, she devastated our lifelong savings and maxed out every credit card we have. So, I have our house on the market, it hopes that it sells before I'm forced into bankruptcy and/or foreclosure. Still, that doesn't really matters.

What matters is that I get the woman that I've loved and been loved by for thirty years back... whole. With what the family counselor is telling me, there's only a seven percent chance of that happening. As my Lady Love will most likely harbor the delusions that our children, friends, neighbors and I are out to destroy her.

Please, somebody tap me on the shoulder and whisper into my ears that it's all a lie. Please tell me that this hellish nightmare will end and I'll have my Lady Love back... whole. Please...

Yo,

I cannot say with any confidence that things will get back to the way they were in the past, but that doesn't mean that the situation can't at least improve some what. You probbably seem completely lost at this point considering that even going to the doctor hasn't helped. To be honest, I'm angry at the way your doctor treated the whole situation, and it sounds like he/she didn't fully understand what Delusional Disorder is about. The first key thing that must be done is for her (your wife) to realise that she has a problem and/or is making your life hell. However, it's so difficult to even get that done. What I usually recommend is to leave articles around the house which were writrten by others in your situation; or even find articles wrotten by people who have been in he position but have recovered. Maybe if you leave thse lying around, your wife will read one and it'll strike her that she has a problem.

Other than that, I think you should ask your counsellor/doctor if they know any other professional who specificlly deals with things of this nature.

Kevin

i think you might find some worth from reading this too: delusional-disorder/topic45012.html

Kevin

Well, right now, my biggest problem is that she won't come home (home as it were, until I can sell it.) The town she's in, six states away, is where we lived for fifteen years together. Plus she'd lived there ten years before. Its full of her family and friends that will give her shelter. These are people that I trust with her safety. However, until she get to accusing them or otherwise acting irrational, they think they are protecting her from me. When she's not in a delusional episode (for lack of a better term), she's so convincing that nothing's wrong. Though, her friends and relatives in our area know. As they've watched her decline in the past few years. So, quite honestly, I now wait for one of three things to happen.

First, though its highly unlikely, I wait for her to awaken from her surreal state of mind and come home.

Secondly, as she becomes dissatisfied with her present company, she'll bargain to come home. Previously, twice before, we had a deal that when I bring her home from other cities, that she'd get evaluated and treated. Twice she's broken her word. So, now I'll stand firm and bargain to get the evaluation and treatment initiated in the city she's in before bringing her home.

Lastly, she has a complete breakdown and has to be committed.

Otherwise, the prospects of me continuing my life's journey with my Lady Love seems pretty bleak. Inside, I scream. My doctor gave me something for anxiety, but nothing can ease my anguish. Just a short time ago, after twenty-five plus years of marriage, I couldn't wait for my shift at work to end so I could come running home to her. Just a short time ago, we had matching jackets monogrammed “OPIL”: Old People In Love. Now, she refers to me as the old bastard that's trying to destroy her.

So, I scream...

All I can say is I feel your pain. It's especially hard during these holidays. I scream inside and cry as well. He was the love of my life. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.....................

Is it biological? Is it drug-treatable? Has anyone known to have tried hypnosis with any degree of success?

My Lady Love is a long way from treatment. As she hasn't begun to accept any degree of possibility of having Delusional Disorder.
I'd just like to know this, in case we ever get to this point.

I am sorry for your pain, and am going through something similar myself. The holiday season makes it all so much worse. My husband, best friend and companion for 25 years has a delusional obsession with his dentist, who is completely unaware of this obsession. He is twice her age and hasn't spoken to her in a year and a half, aside from this past October when he had an appointment for dental cleaning and went to her cubicle (where she was working on another patient), and asked her if she remembered him (she didn't). Nevertheless, he continues to write poetry and music for this woman; he posts much of it on his Facebook page, convinced that she is receiving these tributes. He does not actively stalk her, but thinks and talks about her constantly. We are separated because of this; he does not want to be "untrue" to this woman by living with me. I am devastated and, like you, pray for his return to normalcy but it really doesn't seem likely...he does not want to be cured.

Stay strong and try to cultivate other interests...I am trying to build a new life for myself.

Before, I screamed... now, I cry.

Christmas came. As usual, our children and their families came to our house for the holiday meal. Our second oldest, the minister, led grace, but broke down and cried. We all cried.

I cry because she's gone.

I cry because she may never come home again.

I cry because her delusional cloud has turned her against me, our children and friends.

I cry because I want our lives to go back to being normal.

I cry...

Dear Heavy Hearted. I empathize with you. Hang in there! You are not alone! My wife has been diagnosed with Delusional Disorder and I have experienced a similar plight as you; however, we were able to get her into treatment. She spent one week in an inaptient program, two weeks in an outpatient treatment program, the goal of which was 1) to educate my spouse/to get her to recognize she was mentally ill and teach behaviors on how to cope with that and 2) to observe and get her on a medication regimen to address acute/chronic symptoms. My wife completed this program and is now transitioned into longer term therapies which involves periodic visist to a psychiatrist and a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT). While some 'persistent beliefs' (euphamism for delusions) remain and are exhibited in mild episodic ways, the treatment thus far has addressed many of the most debilitating behaviors/thoughts. These will be addressed over time through medication management and CBT. Hang in there. From my experience thus far, if you can influence situation to get her to help and on medication, there is hope. The most important steps (in order) that I took, that I believe led to progress thus far are: 1) Get Help For Yourself! Perhaps you can empathize with me? I had difficulty coping with all that was occurring, to the point that I needed the right help, professional help to cope with it. It helped! It helped me grieve, learn how to cope and not enable her behavior and to strategize on how to move this situation in a positive direction. I sense you are grieving. If you haven't sought counseling, I encourage you to do this! 2) I reached out to family, friends and my Faith; family and answered prayers were able to assist in getting her help. It was important to understand that persons like you who become objects of your wife's paranoia will find it next to impossible to suade her into getting help. While difficult at first for family and friends to fathom/grasp situation; your wife's behavior will become apparent to them and they may be able to assist in gaining her trust and in getting her to proper help. 3) A recourse that I didn't use but was prepared to is: There are ways to seek and gain involuntary detention of your wife so that she can undergo medical evaluation. Because my wife's situation was assessed as acute enough, even the medical professionals were prepared to legally support involuntary (temporary) detention if need be. Laws vary by state. Fortuneately, my wife ultimately volunteered to participate in treatment that has indeed helped her. Just know that there are recourses here that vary by state. These were the three constructive things that I managed to do/investigate that moved my situation in the right direction -- these things and a lot of prayers. Most / More importantly, below is a resource that I wish I had that I recommend we share with folks in situations like ours Please Read and Heed:

AIDS to COPING with a MENTALLY ILL SPOUSE

If you are trying to cope with your spouse who has a mental illness you may find this article helpful.

1.The mental illness your spouse suffers is something that is happening to your entire family. All are affected, it is nobody’s fault. It is not your spouse’s fault, it is not your fault, it is not your children’s fault. It is nobody’s fault. It is an unfortunate illness. It is not automatic grounds for divorce, any more than other disabilities are.

2. You cannot fix your spouse. There is nothing you can do to make him/her well, so don’t feel compelled to try. You don’t have the answers. All you can do is be supportive and loving (in a profound sense), and handle the everyday details and practical issues of life for him/her that he/she cannot cope with.

3. All members of the family have a responsibility to cope with the illness. Escape is not a helpful way of dealing with the crisis. You all need each other.

4. The ill spouse must recognize and accept the illness, be willing to receive treatment and, if possible, learn to manage the illness. He/she must cooperate with his/her medical team. He/she must take his/her medications. He/she must learn to recognize relapse symptoms. If the ill spouse is not willing to do these things, it may become impossible for the family to continue to support him/her. The family is not required to throw away their own lives for someone who refuses to cooperate. There are limits, and they must be enforced without feelings of guilt.

5. Educate yourself concerning every aspect of the illness. Education brings compassion. Ignorance encourages anger and fear.

6. Grieve your loss. It is a great loss. The grief process for this illness is identical to the grief process for the death of a spouse. You need to allow yourself to experience the entire process of grieving.

7. Get help for yourself to cope with this incredible challenge, either from your own counseling sessions, or a NAMI support group. You can’t do it alone. With help you can live your life with gusto. Don’t refuse to recognize your own need for help, just because the ill spouse is getting most of the attention. This illness is happening to your whole family. You should not try to do it alone.

8. Help your children understand the illness as much as their ages allow. No family secrets! Don’t deny them the opportunity of learning about the illness, the unfair stigma attached to it, and developing their skills in coping. It can be an incredible learning opportunity for them. If they need professional help to understand it and their own feelings, get it for them.

9. Try to create a safe environment for your spouse to express him/herself without feeling threatened, constrained or condemned. He/she desperately needs a nurturing, safe place to express the incredible frustration he/she is feeling about this illness.

10. You and your children need to share your feelings honestly and openly. They are suffering a loss also. It’s okay to feel angry and cheated. At times, you may feel embarrassed by the ill spouse’s behavior. Avoid trying to protect your spouse by not discussing the problem with family members or friends. Don’t require your children to conspire with you in a code of “Family Secrecy.” Family secrets will isolate you from others. Humor and openness will help the entire family, including your spouse, accept the illness for exactly what it is and reduce guilt for all family members. Remember, small children, by their very nature, assume that they are responsible for anything in their environment that goes wrong.

11. Never put yourself or your children in physical danger. If you sense your spouse is becoming dangerous, you should leave and call professional help. You should never tolerate abuse of your children! Say, “No Way!” and mean it. Trust your instincts and intuition on this one.

12. Become your spouse’s advocate with the professionals, and be assertively involved in treatment and medication decisions. Don’t be afraid to go with him/her to appointments, to call his/her psychiatrist if you suspect something isn’t right, or to inform the psychiatrist of the effects of the medication being prescribed. If the psychiatrist won’t cooperate with you, demand a different one! Stand your ground.

- Kathleen Bayes, Vol. 9, No. 2, “The Journal,” publication of NAMI-CA. ALLIANCE FOR THE MENTALLY ILL NAMI OF GREATER CHICAGO 1536 W. Chicago Ave., Chicago IL, 60642 312-563-0445 312-563-0445

There are other things. Measured steps I took to protect my personal well-being and the safety, financial security, and well-being of my family. See Paragraph 4 above! Of the pair of you, you must remain the one who takes rational steps to safeguard yours and even her interests. You can do this.

Sincerely.

An Empathizing Supporter

Dear Heavy Hearted,

I'm new (today!) to this site. I echo your relief for the Internet and for finding this forum. I truly felt was ALONE in dealing with this horrific mental illness. Let me begin by saying that my heart goes out to you! It's going on 30 years ago that I met the love of my life, my soulmate, my everything. I was only 17. He was my first boyfriend. My everything...

20 years into our relationship, 14 of which we were married, I noticed a significant change in my husband's moods... he began to get unfavorable reviews at work... he attributed this to his boss and co-workers conspiring to get rid of him... at one point he said one of them pretended that his grandmother passed away so that the rest of the office could stage a mock funeral, and not invite him, in order to "talk about him"... I remember asking him, "Why don't they just go out for a pizza and beer if all they want to do is talk behind your back?"... his answer was, "because that's the kind of people they are..." I believed him 100% ... why shouldn't I ?? I knew him for 20 years! I remember saying, "you've got to get out of there, they're a bunch of lunatics!!!" Little did I know what I was in store for....

This all happend while I was on maternity leave with our 4th daughter. When she was about 3 months old, I went back to work. It wasn't long before I applied and was offered a huge promotion... at first he was happy that now he could leave his job and look for another one while I covered the bills... Thank God he stayed at that job... One day, OUT OF NO WHERE, as I came back from shopping for a suit to wear for an important upcoming meeting, he said... "You weren't shopping, you were with your lover... " I stood there, like a deer caught in the headlights, with the new suit in my hands and my breasts about to burst with milk for my infant daughter...

Words cannot properly express what was going through my mind... Not only did he think I was having an affair, he believed I was having a lesbian affair!!! How I was able to pull myself together and go to work the next day is still a mystery to me. Over the next day or so, he seemed to come out of the daze he was in... but over the next couple of months, it all came back with a force... the accusations became more and more disturbing, the number of lesbian lovers grew, he said I stunk like $#%^ and marijuana, and that my lips tasted like his ex-girlfriends "c%@t".... you have no idea (well maybe you do) how much it hurt to hear these things coming out of mouth of the person I LOVED WITH ALL MY HEART...

I know exactly what some of the people on this site mean by "the look"... that "BLANK, GAZED, HOLLOW, DEAD, LIFELESS, LOOK".... nothing I said phased him in the least... my heart was crushed and my children were exposed to hearing things they should never have heard their father say to their mother. He would talk to the older girls (9 and 10 at the time) making them promise they wouldn't tell me... they were so torn and confused...

It's hard to believe that its been almost 10 years since the nightmare began. I used to want to go to sleep to get away from the nightmare I was living. In the beginning I'd pinch myself because I thought "this must be a dream" ... I WANTED TO WAKE UP TO THE NORMAL, LOVING LIFE I WAS USED TO HAVING!!!

To make a long story short, we went to marriage counseling, psycologists, psychiatrists... the diagnois ranged from depression, paranoia, and delusional disorder (jealousy type). Each time he accused me of paying the doctors to make that diagnois... he'd literally yell at me screaming "HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY THEM!!!!!!!?????????" I finally told him to find a doctor outside of our insurance, someone I didn't know... and guess what happend.... She said he had a "delusional disorder - jealousy type" .... Somehow, he thought I had something to do with that evaluation too... basically, I'm to blame for everything that has gone wrong in his life...

Today, I am divorced and even got my marriage annulled by the Catholic Church. Every day is a struggle and not minute goes by that I don't miss him. I've come to terms with this extremely unfair disease and know in my heart that the man I loved so deeply is never going to return to me in this lifetime... but in faith, I know I will see his beautiful smiling face and especially the love for me in his eyes again.

God bless you and your family through this terribly difficult, heartwrenching journey...