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Adult Children of Narcissists

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby depressed6 » Fri Sep 14, 2018 4:23 pm

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but I have a question about the Department of Human Services. I live in the United States (I am not going to say what state I live in. I don't want to give too much information about myself.). I am a 21-year-old disabled adult with narcissistic parents. I contacted my state's Department of Human Services office via their site's Contact Us page (I contacted them via a form that is on the Contact Us part of their website. I am trying to see if the Department of Human Services can help me go No Contact.). I did that on Wednesday at 7PM. Right now, I am still waiting on them to respond to the email I sent them. How long does it take for the Department of Human Services to send you a reply email? Also, does the Department of Human Services respond to emails that are sent to them via the Contact Us part of their website (I couldn't call them on my cellphone. If I would've called them using my cellphone, then my narcissistic parents would've heard me talking to them. With that being said, the only option I was left with was contacting them using the Contact Us part of their site.).
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby realityhere » Sat Sep 15, 2018 6:45 pm

Can't say when and if the DHS will respond via email, but have you sought some help/therapy for your depression? Are you living with your parents atm?
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby depressed6 » Tue Sep 18, 2018 5:06 am

Realityhere, I am sorry for replying to your post late. I have a lot of homework. It's kinda a long story but I will tell you the short version of it (This is basically a summary of my situation. Due to the fact that I don't have time to tell you about every aspect of my situation, this summary is not going include every aspect of my situation.). I have Autism. When I graduated from high school four years ago, my narcissistic parents forced me to a (very mismanaged) community college instead of a university. No one in my age range goes to my community college. My classmates are mostly people in the 40+ age range. With that being said, it is impossible for me to make friends there. I don't have any offline friends. I do not have a social life at all. My narcissistic parents are refusing to take me to learn how to drive a car. I never owned a car before. Since I do not have a car, I am usually sitting at home during weekends (For example, I was sitting at home this weekend. Sitting at home on weekends suck. No one my age does that.). They will not let me go places by myself. Whenever I tell them that I want to go somewhere, they tell me that I have to take them with me. At first, they were taking me with them to places like I am a child. Now, after I told them that I didn't want to go places with them, they are now letting me stay at their house while they go places. Even though they let me stay at their house while they go places, there is a catch: Members of my narcissistic family watch me like I am a child. During the entire summer season that just passed, I stayed home while my narcissistic parents went places (People would laugh if they saw a 21-year-old going places with their parents.). When my parents came back home one day during the summer season, they asked why I didn't go with them and told me that they had fun. I guess they didn't give a care about me wanting to go places by myself and have fun. While they were out having fun all summer, I was at home crying in bed because of how they treated me. I am 21 and I do not even know what it's like to go out with friends. They will not let me live by myself. I found out last year that they went behind my back and got medical guardianship of me. I have been depressed because of my situation. Sometimes, I feel like crying because of my situation. My narcissistic parents have been driving me crazy. I am dealing with my narcissistic parents and I am also dealing with my academic life. Doing that is very difficult. Earlier this year, I was crying when I was reading my textbooks. There have been nights where I cried myself to sleep. As for my employment situation, I do not have a job. Right now, I am looking for a job. I am going to community college via Financial Aid. When I contacted the Department of Human Services on the Wednesday of last week, I told them to pick me up from the community college I go to on September 17th (today). I told them to pick me up at 10:55 AM. They didn't pick me up today. Also, they have not responded to my message yet. I am going to give them this week and next week to reply to my Contact Us message. If they don't reply within that time window, then I am going to have to call them on my cellphone. Calling them on my cellphone is something that I don't want to do. I am afraid that my narcissistic parents might hear me talking to Human Services if I was to call Human Services on my cellphone. I am planning on having them help me find a job. As for me getting help/therapy for my depression, I never did that. Since I do not have a car and my narcissistic parents have medical guardianship of me (If I was to get help/therapy for my depression while my narcissistic parents have medical guardianship of me, then they would find out about it.), I cannot do those two things. It sucks staying home on weekends. Oh! I almost forgot to say this but, yes, I am living with my narcissistic parents at this moment. Sometime last year, my narcissistic mother said to me, "I own you." Her saying that lowered my self-esteem. I am planning on getting a restraining order against my narcissistic parents when I go NC (No Contact). I am also planning on having the Department of Human Services take away medical guardianship of me from my narcissistic parents and give me medical guardianship of myself. I don't want them to have medical guardianship of me. The only reason why they have medical guardianship of me is so they can control my life. My birthday will be coming up soon. I don't want my narcissistic parents to do anything for me for my birthday. Their love for me is fake. When you are living with your narcissistic parents, birthdays are not happy occasions but reminders that life is passing you by and you have to get out of your situation as soon as possible. I just realized that recently. I want my birthday present to be me going NC (No Contact). During my most recent visit to my primary doctor, I was told that my blood pressure was up. After he told me that, he then asked me if I was depressed. I lied and told him that I was not depressed (I lied because my narcissistic mother was in the room with me.). Sometimes, I feel like crying because of my situation. Living with my narcissistic parents is hell. I am super stressed out. I don't think I am going to pass my classes this semester. I need a tutor.

As for the car thing I told you about, it is causing me problems. Here is how it's causing me problems: Sometimes, I might need to go to tutoring (There is a tutoring center at the CC I go to.). Since I do not have a car (I never owned a car. I never drove a car.), I have to depend on members of my narcissistic family to take me to tutoring. Since I have to depend on them to take me to tutoring, I have to depend on their time. Their time is very inconvenient. You see my father leaves home for work each day at 9AM. With that being said, I have to get up out of bed at 7AM (This is on days when I either don't have morning classes or don't have any classes to attend at all.). As for being picked up from tutoring, I have to rely on the other members of my narcissistic family to do that for me. Other members of my narcissistic family used to be reliable in regards to doing that for me but they no longer are. Now, they have gotten to the point where they tell me that they are busy. One of my narcissistic uncles (I am talking about grouchy nuncle. He is a grouch. I dread calling him on the phone. Whenever he sees me, he puts me down. He berates me. Whenever he comes to my narcissistic parents' house, I hide in my room until he leaves. I do that because I know that there is a high probability he is going to berate me if he sees me.) tell me to just wait at the community college. If I was to wait on him, then I would end up waiting there until 6PM. As for my narcissistic father picking me up from the community college I go to, he cannot pick me up before 6PM. He works from 9AM until 6PM. If I wait there until 6, then I would end up being tired and sleepy for the rest of the day (I like to start doing my homework and assigned readings early in the day.). That's not the only thing. Since I usually have a lot of homework, I have to stay up during the AM hours doing homework (This semester, I have more than a lot of homework. The employees at this mismanaged CC I go to (I have a lot of horror stories in regards to this CC. The disability accommodation department at the CC I go to is horrible. The people who run it do not abide by the Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 (That is a Civil Rights law.). Even though the CC I go to have a small fine print about this Civil Rights law on their disability accommodations forms, they still don't abide by it. That's how crooked they are. The mismanaged CC I go to should be investigated by the Federal Department of Education because of that. That's not the only reason why my CC is horrible. I would tell you the other reasons but I won't. I don't have time to tell you the other reasons. Whenever I go to the administrative office at my community college and complain about how mismanaged the school is, they threaten to kick me out of school. Lately, the thing they have been telling me is that they would ban me from the administrative office if I say the school is mismanaged one more time.) messed up my Financial Aid and I ended up buying my textbooks late (and out of pocket) because of it. Since I ended up buying my textbooks late, I am behind in regards to my homework and I have a lot of homework to do.). If I was to stay up during the AM hours doing homework and wait at the school until 6PM, then I would end up being sleep deprived. Because of that, I have not been going to tutoring for the past two years (I have still been earning good grades. Even though I have been earning good grades without going to tutoring, I still want to go to tutoring. There are times when I don't understand the material.). I would kill myself by being sleep deprived. That's overkill. Aside from me being picked up from tutoring, I am in the same situation in regards to me being picked up from my morning classes. I am taking only two classes this semester. I have to go to school on only three days: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. One class is a 9AM morning class (I attend this class on Mondays and Wednesdays.) and the other class is a 5PM night class (I attend this class on Thursdays.). I had a talk about this transportation issue last week. They wanted to argue with me. When I told them that I am in this situation because they won't let me drive a car, they became quiet. I guess that's what narcissistic family members do when you speak the truth: They become quiet. After I told them about me being in this transportation situation because of them, they asked me what am I going to do when I get a job. The question is not what I am going to do when I get a job. Due to them refusing to take me to learn how to drive, I am basically powerless right now in regards to getting from getting from point A to point B. The question is what they are going to do when I get a job. I already know what they are going to do: They are going to ###$ me over like they are doing right now with this school transportation issue. That's why I contacted my state's Department of Human Services office on the Wednesday of last week. I contacted them so they can straighten this out and help me go NC (No Contact). Because of my narcissistic parents and the crooks at the mismanaged CC I go to, I am tired and stressed out right now. Lately, I have been sleepy a lot. I have been sleepy a lot because I have a lot of homework to do. This new school semester started for me on the 23rd of August. Not only have I been tired, stressed out, and sleepy but I have also been fatigued. A couple of weeks ago, I fell asleep in my computer chair while I was doing homework. Because I have been having a lot of homework to do lately, I have not been getting a good amount of sleep. Since I have not been getting a lot of sleep, I have been making mistakes a lot and being confused a lot. I have been burned out a lot. Like I said, it is very difficult for me to do schoolwork while dealing with my narcissistic parents situation. While I am doing homework, I have to deal with people screaming at me.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby realityhere » Fri Sep 21, 2018 4:14 am

Does the CC you are attending offer adult driving lessons to earn your driver's license? Just wondering. I don't know if the autism you have affects your ability to drive or not, so I don't want to assume anything here. There seems to be on your part a strong desire to learn to drive a car, a step towards independence some day when you start working and need to own and drive a car. Stop whinging and look at other solutions, ok?

So homework load can get pretty heavy when you are dependent on others' unreliable transportation. Is there a bus route to and from the CC that can make it easier for you to complete your homework and stay on a regular schedule of sleep as well? Public transportation is another option to look into, if your town offers such. Tell the narcissists if they give you the public transportation fare money to help you get to/from classes, that it would give them more time to do their own thang and their own schedule. Learn to cater to their agenda to benefit your own agenda, rather than oppose them, so you can eventually get out from under their grip. It takes planning. The DHS is not the silver spoon, they'll expect you to do some efforts to gain some benefits.

School is not all about the grind to do homework and make the grades. It's an opportunity to meet and talk with others, never mind that some of them may be much older than you. It's up to you to try making contact with others--nobody is gonna walk right up and say "hi" to you. Doesn't matter if you have autism or not, ppl are not gonna go out of their way and be your chum. It is hard work, but it can pay off immensely if you make the effort. You don't have to have a passel of friends, it's the one or two pals that can make a difference.

Who knows, such pals can be a lifeline to help you get out of the existence you presently have.

And keep looking for a job, don't give up. It takes some time, but something will happen if you stay persistent. Good luck to you!
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby calm » Sun Jan 12, 2020 6:39 am

Okay, this is my first time posting, so here goes.... I saw a few posts from people frustrated by their parents who are Narcissists. I just disowned my 90 year old father less than a month ago.

I'm not as sad as you would think because this has been coming for a long time. He conversations are always vulgar, so as I've gotten older, I realized that I have been asking him to stop talking vulgar around me for 30 years! It's ridiculous that I put up with it that long, but I understand why it took me so long to figure it out. Children are hardwired to love their parents, and even as adults, the thought of losing them can trigger intense fear. It triggers abandonment issues, even when we know we are right for doing it.

Well, I got back into therapy, and got a book on Narcissistic Parents, and came to a realization about my dad.

MY DAD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS AT ALL. I FINALLY GET THAT. And now that I get it, I am so glad that this recently passed Christmas, when I gave him an ultimatum, "Stop it or I am done with you," he didn't listen.

Thank you dad for not listening.

He chose his vulgarity over me and if he hadn't I wouldn't have seen the light. I would have continued thinking he cared. I am FREE. I'm not saying I'm not sad. I have moments where I get REALLY SAD. But I bought a book called "Its not you, it's them: 30 days of hope and help" (Admin, just delete the title if I'm not allowed to mention books) And this book gives you daily insights and then has you journal about it. And I've been learning a lot. Especially about how much I verbally attack myself internally. I was the scapegoat of the family and was told I was crazy, ugly, fat and everything else...so I learned to do that to myself. Now I'm un-learning it.

Yesterday, I had an incident where I didn't say the perfect thing and I started bashing myself about it. But, instead of continuing to bash myself, I remembered that the book said to start parenting myself. I said to myself "Listen, I know you can't seem to stop feeling bad about this so, just go ahead and feel bad, but I'm going to talk to you about this. I'm sooo sorry that mom and dad made you feel so bad about yourself. You were a good kid and you didn't deserve ANY of that. You were smart, funny and kind. What happened today is no big deal. You deserve to give yourself a break and be yourself from now on without reprimanding yourself about it. I love you"

After my talk to myself, my self-attack went from being a self attack to just grieving for what I went through as a kid.

Anyway, I still have lots to figure out, but I stopped a "verbal-self attack" and that is growth.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby ThisEndUp » Sun Jan 19, 2020 6:52 am

calm wrote:I'm not as sad as you would think because this has been coming for a long time.


Hi Calm,
For many years I was no contact with my Narcissist mother and I felt very good. I did a lot of self work during that time and really came into my own. Recently I allowed myself to be sucked back in for a short time and I now remember why I left!! She has not changed in all these years. I cut contact again & all I felt was relief. She is just poison to my mental health.

On a side note I have a new boss who has no boundaries and that is equally bad in other ways. This person has other dysfunctions and I find I have much less patience in dealing with that anymore. I am looking for a new job.

When you grow up with an N you are drawn to them because it was all you knew. But it is possible to get away from it
Due To Circumstances Beyond My Control I am Master of My Fate and Captain of My Soul
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby penguinteeth » Sun Jun 13, 2021 11:40 pm

Hey. I think this might be helpful to some ppl. Also want to vent.

Hi. idk if we (5 kids) got 1 or 2 narcissists but thats not the point. I guess alcoholics and dysfunctional families kind of breed roles. scapegoat, lost child, hero, mascot and maybe some others. here is a little bit of some science on that. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/1 ... 0720973418

anyway so I'm hero (great) and I'm pissed. I'm not exactly sure but a lot of it might be lonliness which is common with the hero class (lol). I'm a pretty competent dude but I'm pissed that I have to do this work alone, that nobody gives a s*** about me enough to walk me through this so I don't have to be my own ****ing hero to boot. great. last thing I need. to be a hero one more time. idk why but it really pisses me off that I'm so good at it. and maybe that makes me sound like a dick but trust me i've paid my dues.

anyway my therapist is great which is great

but i called this emotional support line which I suck at doing at because I feel like I have to do everything myself (hero) and this ###$ guy starts telling me his problems ... and I'm so ######6 programmed or what I dont know that I help this guy and have to hold back parts of myself to cater to this dude.


so im just thoroughly pissed that nobody ever tried/tries to help me and I'm so buggered lonely cause I excel at this $#%^ and nobody is even around to see me squash it.

in summation ###$ the world.

maybe some poor sod will get something out of this thanks for listening I think it helped. I have a good therapist so my advice to anybody is find somebody who is helpful to you. you don't really have to love the person or be buddies like I always thought. they just have to do a good job at helping you. but if you can figure out which one of these family roles you identify with and deal with that it might be effective in helping you have a better life.

cheers.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby comedian » Sat Jan 15, 2022 10:58 am

Hi I really need advice I'm 31 years old and have delt with systemic abuse all my life most of which iv overcome and deal with pretty well I think however my father is a narcissist I only just recently was talking with someone about my father and they put that lable on him and after sometime on Google it all matched up the issue is at 31 years old I can't keep a job because he without fail sabotages it Everytime I can not move out cuz as soon as he knows where I am he shows up with cash and homemade food to sway my roommates or neighbors but he's really just poisoning the environment so I'll be back dependent on him again when I leave the house he follows me so he can where iv been and try to make things harder for me he dispises every one I know and everything I do there all so disgusting it defys words apparently but the issue remains I can't work on or own a car or talk to any one because of him what do I do I'm in my 30s now and this has gone on long enough lately iv been recording our conversations and the horrible things he constantly gos on and on about cuz no one believes me he plays it like I'm crazy and worthless and he cares so much and don't no what to do about me some I can't stand is when people out of nowhere feel the need to tell me " u know your dad really does love u" that means he's already interrogated them and sold them his lies and they are convinced I'm as worthless as he brags about poor poor him for at least 10 years now anyone who came to see me knew the rule no one was allowed to talk to him cuz he will interrogate anyone he can looking for details he can throw back at them when he's ready and for things to use against me I'm thinking about taking all my recordings and posting them on a site in a well organized case against him and sharing the link with everyone possible any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby Philonoe » Thu Jan 20, 2022 9:55 pm

Hi comedian,

Do you mean that your father is two-sided, looking generous and loving outside, and insulting with you?

That's bad.

That's extremely difficult to handle. A parent is the person with who you build yourself. And that' attitude is destructive for you.

Plus he doesn't seem to leave you space, to have friends and colleagues. He seems to take all space.

About the recordings, you might decide to make them listen to someone close.

About sharing recordings more largely on the internet, personally I wouldn't do that. To much drama to deal with, afterwords.

That how I see it. Better use your energy to get autonomy, step by step. Including very practical autonomy: money, space, boundaries, own relationships etc.

And build own life.

That's how I see it.
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