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Is my mother a narcissist?

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Is my mother a narcissist?

Postby MyYdna » Thu Apr 04, 2024 10:03 pm

Where do I begin? It's so difficult and almost incredible to believe. Am I the narcissist? I often wonder.... or am I going crazy?

Things between my mom and I went well u till I was about 12. Then I started to formulate my own thoughts and ideas. That was the moment all my moms anger and rage turned towards me. Before that, it was spread out over my father, brother, sister and uncle who lived with us. My sister left because she couldn't take it anymore.

I remember well that my sister had a miscarriage and my mom found out. She called the hospital. You would think out of compassion. You would be wrong. A last attempt to punish my sister. I was with my mom during the call and heard everything. My sister asked what my mom wanted. My mom's response was, if you ever have kids of your own, you will understand.... my sister broke down in tears because she just lost her child not an hour before. Is it me? Or does this seem unusually cruel from my mother?

I tried telling my mom that my sister was in incredible pain. The rage of my mom still makes me shake. Even 25 years later. She never stopped after that. I was no longer her sun. I was the enemy. Just like everyone else.

Before that day my mom had these episodes of extreme depressive mania. And I had to listen to her rant for hours and hours and hours. Until my hear ran hot and I was exhausted. After that phoncall on that day, I couldn't hear it anymore.

It didn't improve. We always moved every 3 to 4 months. No idea why. My dad tried to fight it. But she was relentless. Alienating everyone of of with the world. It was like I wasn't allowed to have friends or relationships. None of us was.

I won the best poet of school and was suppose to recite it. But my mom didn't allow me to go. So someone from my class had to.

I wasn't allowed to go to birthday parties, or school trips. And if I insisted, she would make damn sure I would never insist again. Eventually. My brother couldn't deal with it. So I was left alone with her. My dad did his best to catch the blows. But the man was tired. Everyone was.

Eventually she took me from school. Saying I couldn't deal with school. I was just tired from all the stress at home. So I tried adult education as soon as I turned 18. It was a half hour drive with the car. And since I wasn't allowed to get a driver's license, she had to bring me..... well.... the first 2 weeks. Because she scolded me every single day. So, I started biking. 90minutes going. And 90minutes back if the weather was OK. On a bike that I had to fix every day with stuff I could find.

But I made it. Could my high-school diploma. And when I had to get my diploma. I was again, alone to get it.

Anyways, the biking did help me get in great shape. So great that I started wining competitions. With really really bad shoes and bad cloths. No matter. Still won. Mom didn't like it. Scolded me more that I had a life. And she didn't. And that wasn't fair. She came one time to a competition. To see her sister for bills. During my competition, she was not there. Only after it was over and I had to wait for my medal. She came and demanded that the podium wasn't gonna take long because she wanted to go home.

Then there was the championship. Te national championship. Before the start she scolded me so hard because I had to compete looking like a beggar. Yeah, because she took all the money I earned working as a student, earning by competing, so I couldn't afford new cloths and shoes to compete. My emotional energy was so drained I almost finished last. Knowing that a week earlier I had the best national time.

Ow God. I can keep going with the crazy things I had to deal with. The worst one was when I saw my dad getting an aneurysm. I saw it happen and called the ambulance immediately. My dad, the man who tried protecting me his entire life. He meant the world to me.

First thing my mom said when we reached the hospital, I wanna have a devours! I don't wanna take care of him the rest of his life!
Yeah. She was right. I took care of him. He was half paralyzed. So everyday I took him for a walk of at least and hour. Practiced with him to get control back over his paralyzed side. Went to cafes with him to cheer him up. And it worked. He could walk and lift after a year. Go to the bathroom by himself after a year.

A second aneurysm killed him after that year. We had to say our goodbyes in the hospital. First thing my mom said when she saw him dead, ah good, they already put him in a bodybag. This man, who stuck with her for over 45 years. And her response was that. During his life she couldn't say one good thing about him. Not one. But it's good he's already quickly I a bodybag.

I just took a couple of events. Not even a fraction of the madness I had to endure and still am. Because despite the fact that I bought her the house she wanted. Despite the fact I bought her the car she wanted. She attacks me and my wife daily with messages at least 3 times longer then the one I've posted here. I try to ignore it. But, I promised my dad to take care of her. So I have to glance over the message a decipher if there are real problems. Like payments or health issues.

I would like her to leave me alone. But, she is my mom. I promised my dad. And, I do have to keep an eye out incase she creates a situation that will cause problems for my family. Wouldn't be the first time.

Still, I often think, maybe it's me. Maybe I am the narcissist. Maybe I'm depressed because of the endless nightmares. Maybe it's both. I don't t recognize myself for so very long now. Always tired. Always afraid.

I'm an engineer. But I work in a shop because my head is so full. So full of bad memories and stress.

What am I suppose to do. Am I or my mom the narcissist?
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Apr 07, 2024 11:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Moved to Significant Others forum, no edits
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Re: Is my mother a narcissist?

Postby Snaga » Sun Apr 07, 2024 11:55 pm

Moved to Significant Others, Friends and Family. I think you'll get much more exposure in this forum.
We do not delete posts.
Please do read the Forum Rules
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Re: Is my mother a narcissist?

Postby MyYdna » Mon Apr 08, 2024 3:54 am

@snaga, thnx
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Re: Is my mother a narcissist?

Postby Philonoe » Mon Apr 08, 2024 6:51 pm

Hi, my Ydna,

I'm sorry for what you had to endure all your life with your mother. Despite of that, you were able to study, write poetry, biking, take care of your father, congrats!

Your mother sounds like someone with psychiatric issues (I'm not expert). I think that uses to be related with narcissistic issues.
She was extremely unstable and destructive with you and your siblings.

You sounds like ACON (adult child of narcissist), with deep insecurities, nightmare, etc.

Your father chose that person and decided to share her life.
You didn't decide anything.

You had to endure instability, agression of your siblings, agression of yourself, lack of support.

You need to take care of yourself now.

Typically people with narcissistic issues and destructive will deny to their children the right to have own space, autonomy, success. It can continue after their own death with heritage issues, debts, promisses that are impossible to follow.

Your job now, in my mind, is to take care of yourself, heal, invest energy in what is important for you.

You'll probably need support of a trained professional to deal with guilt, insecurities, nightmares, and to build a safe distance with your mother.
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Re: Is my mother a narcissist?

Postby MyYdna » Wed Apr 10, 2024 11:42 am

@Philonoe,

It's true that I should get professional help. Every single day I'm afraid she will do something else to hurt me and my family. I try to downplay my fears. But... she has done pretty much every way to make life miserable. Sometimes I just wanna sell everything I have and dissappear with my family so she can't find us.
And then I feel guilty. Is it me? I always wonder. Am I ungrateful? Am I a bad person? I wish my head was more.... on my head. And I don't know how. So yeah. Professional help.... my brother once went to a series of psychologists. And after 3 sessions, they said he needed to see a traumatologist. Because of all the crazy things happened to all of us. It discouraged me. Because my brother left the house before my mom became even a lot worse. What help can I then expect? Admission?

I don't know what to do. I just want my family safe.
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Re: Is my mother a narcissist?

Postby Philonoe » Thu Apr 11, 2024 7:04 pm

Hi, My Ydna,

You seem clear on what you want : you want your family safe.

Your mother seem to have very destructive attitude, so the priority is to protect yourself and your family from her.

This is very practical : make sure you are independent and safe.

It's very difficult, because you need to deal with guilt.
Maybe you can read, in the NPD forum, the threads about acons and children of narcissistic mother, to help you.
Guilt is very common in acons, it's one of basic tools of their parent to keep control.

I said you need a trained professional because I imagine that it's extremely difficult to set safe boundaries with her, or to build safe distance.
But maybe some external help can be good. Friend? Lawyer? Any very structured person that you can trust.

You say you are discouraged by what they said to your brother. You don't have to do therapy. It's a choice. The most important is that you feel ok and safe.
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Re: Is my mother a narcissist?

Postby Philonoe » Fri Apr 12, 2024 6:59 pm

What I mean is : she is probably unable to relate, to respect you, to accept boundaries. She needs to be the center of the world.

It's her problem, not yours.

Whatever your father asked you, you don't have to sacrifice you and your family. They need your energy.
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Re: Is my mother a narcissist?

Postby MyYdna » Sat Apr 13, 2024 6:07 am

@philonoe
Thank you
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