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Was she a Histrionic? I'm broken

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Was she a Histrionic? I'm broken

Postby Jpx2000 » Mon Sep 12, 2022 10:08 am

Hello all, this is my first post. I'm Italian so my English is not perfect.

I'll try to be as concise as I can describing my 6 months long relationship with what I highly suspect being a person with HPD (she is not diagnosed). I would love to hear your opinions on this situation, if it's similar to something you already experienced.

I broke up with her recently and I'm feeling exhausted, this post also serves me to liberate my mind from all that happened. I believe this can be therapeutic for me. Thanks for reading (long post).


I met this girl on Tinder in March 2022, she was gorgeous and looked stunning. I send her a like, she likes me back. We talk for a bit and we soon decide to meet in real life for a beer.

Since that very first night, I started sensing something was off with this person. During our first date she tells me about her very problematic family (a quasi non-existing absent father and a depressed mother), I found out she slightly lied on her current occupation (which was a totally pointless lie to tell) and what struck me the most is that at some point and totally out of the blue, she told these exact words: "I'm not sure if you guessed it but, I'm a girl who enjoys ######6". That threw me a bit off but I just met her, she was beautiful and I thought that well, the situation was promising. Overall she looked dull and kind of unimpressed by the world around her. She looked depressed to the core.

We kissed that night, we had sex on our next encounter.

On our third or fourth encounter I had an even clearer sense that this person had something obscure. We were watching tv, something sexual came up and she starts to tell me how at some point in her life she tought of opening an OnlyFans for herself, but that she did not have enough courage to do it. Then she tells me how one time she was brought to a S&M club, where she "stepped on people" dressed in latex for fun and informed me about how this club had a dark room with people having sex in it, but that it was not something she was interested in. I was a bit shocked cause she spoke about it like she would have discussed the weather, but I thought I was being too puritan (I kinda am in general) so I faked interest in this discussion and went on with other conversations as I was feeling uncomfortable.

That same night we go out for a beer, and she asks me about my relationship with drugs and tells me how she tried different things, cocaine included, but that she doesn't use anything anymore and that it was just juvenile experiences. This left me shocked. I despise drugs, especially hard ones, they scare me. I'm feeling even more unpleasant. On that same night she also tells me about her exes, about how his first boyfriend used to beat her, her second completely ignored her (10 years relationship) and his third one was a drug addict (acids, ketamine, stuff like that).

I couldn't sleep well that night. I didn't feel comfortable. But again: maybe I was being too puritan, and that was her past, people shouldn't judge the past but focus on the present right?

The relationship starts to get serious, but I see a number of people messaging her constantly. She wouldn't hide it from me, but I could consistently see 3 people messaging her day after day that we were together. At some point I confronted her about this, and asked her if our relationship was exclusive. We both agreed on it being exclusive, so I kindly ask her to stop replying to these people.
She told me she would have, telling me all she did was reply to be polite and that she couldn't do much if people messaged her. I insisted that to a man, a reply means you have interest in continuing the conversation, or that you have interest in that person. She insisted she had a very hard time not replying hoping they would eventually stop first, but she promised the messaging will stop. I trust her. We knew each other for like 3 weeks, I couldn't do more than that, I didn't want to act like the crazy jealous new partner, I was scared of being ditched for something I may have just imagined. But deep inside me, her behavior made no sense at all.

The messaging didn't stop immediately, we had other confrontations on the subject because it just kept happening, and I kept insisting on the fact that people write because they get a reply. If you stop replying, the messaging will stop. She grants me the messaging will stop. Over the 6 months this would be the only friction we had, but it kept happening and the discussions got progressively more intense.

During our 6 months relationship the messaging didn't stop, but was less frequent, at least that's what I thought (spoiler: she was hiding it). But her point kept being that she couldn't do much about it, she was a pretty girl and it's normal for a pretty girl to have people messaging her. Again, I thought it was me being too preoccupied with the situation. I was being gaslighted.

Our relationship evolved quickly, we fell deeply in love, she was ecstatic about having met me, she would post stories on instagram about us, she even just posted photos of me, it looked like she wanted everyone to know she finally found love after a long time. She kept telling me how beautiful and caring I was, that I was doing things for her that nobody ever did, she was scared because she was feeling something very deep for me. I met her mother, she met my parents. We had trips together, we went to Paris, we spent most of the week days together and things just kept getting better and better but throughout the relationship, every now and then, she would say or do something that kept me thinking something wasn't right. Here a list of things i would have discovered or acknowledged during the 6 months:

- she kept informing me about her past sexual partners, even if I didn't ask for it and had absolutely zero interest in knowing. A particular "relationship" she had with one of them, that consisted basically on "We meet. We ###$. I go back to my place" which I found pretty shabby. Another one with a guy who would be very rich, drink heavily and snort cocaine. Another one with a 50 years old married actor manager while she was 30. She tells me about how one of her ex sex partners wanted to pay her for sex at some point. And so on and so on ... My constant thought was: the girl I know wouldn't find herself in such shabby situations, how can she even be near someone who uses drugs!? If she is with me, which I am the total opposite, how can she be so "flexible" in accepting certain circumstances and behaviors from others?
- I tell her the story of a friend of mine that found himself having a sexual relationship with a lady, and this lady at some point asked him for “presents” in exchange of sex. She acted like that was an obvious request from the lady’s side.
- She tells me she is addicted to work. When she doesn't work, she feels lost and depressed.
- She tells me her father made her watch porn as a kid, he was hooked on prostitutes and gambling and was completely absent during her childhood. This destroyed her family and her mother (spoiler: it destroyed her as well).
- She used to have bulimia.
- Her house is extremely dirty. She would change the bedsheets like once every two months, she never mopped the floor in her house, her bathroom was a total mess.
- I never saw her take a complete shower, or brushing her teeth more than once a day
- A commentary by her mum made me suspicious she had a pretty consistent pattern of lying, even small pointless lies
- She always gave me the impression I knew 60% of this girl and what she did with her days when we were apart. We messaged constantly and heard each other over the phone, but I may occasionally discover she met a friend 3 weeks prior and she didn't tell about it me for example. She was not into details. It always felt like she was omitting stuff, leaving me out of certain aspects of her life and not telling me all about her days and/or herself.
- she ALWAYS put her phone away at around 9.30pm. I know for a fact she usually goes to sleep pretty early, but this pattern was 100% constant. She would just disappear and I always thought this could have been used to her advantage, making me used to her not being available after that time at night. She may have used that timeframe to do whatever she wanted.
- she suffered from panic attacks. They were very quick though, she would snap out of it weirdly quickly
- she often posted instagram stories and selfies. the selfies would usually be sexy, some other times she would post sexually explicit memes or erotic content which i found totally inappropriate. The selfies ALWAYS had the instagram beauty filter on, which made her look totally different from how she was in real life (low self esteem).
- she loved talking about sex, while we went together she bought the autobiography of a pornstar and read it, her favorite series on netflix is SEX LIFE.

Months pass by and after sometime not noticing (I decided to trust her), she receives a message from one of the guys messaging her since the beginning. She swore to me she wouldn’t reply to them anymore but i accidentally saw the whole scene: she receive the message, he sent her a sexually explicit picture, she replied, he sent another one and at that point i was furious. We started a fight.

She acted dramatic, started crying begging me not to leave her for such a stupid thing. At some point I wanted to leave but she just wouldn't let me out of her house. She told me "beat me! If you want to get out you'll have to beat me!". At that point I knew this girl had something very wrong with her. I took a seat, had her calm down, and got out of there as soon as I had a chance.

We made peace about what happened, but I tell her her behavior is somehow pathological in my opinion: she knew how much the messaging was making our relationship suffer, but still she couldn't stop even though she tells these people mean nothing to her. I tell her how in my opinion this had to be linked to her family, she grew up with no role models, not knowing how to distinguish the good and the bad, the appropriate and the not appropriate, she would have people ask her blatantly for sex and be ok with it, she would have people sent her obscene content and be ok with it. She had no boundaries and she confirmed to me that this type of attention was like drugs to her and that yes, she probably had poor boundaries, that it was something she talked about in therapy too (she was in therapy for 5 years).

From that day something changed in me, I knew this person had some serious issues and I was kinda scared. I stopped trusting her. Days later she acted weird, she posted a selfie and we went out with friends and she just kept looking at her phone and at her story viewers. This time, she would slightly hide her phone from me while checking it. I was feeling some very bad vibes that night, so as she fell asleep I decided to spy on her phone… I needed proof, I was going crazy. I was doubting myself too much for too long.

I discovered she lied to me the whole time, and the world collapsed on me. I found out the messaging just kept going since the beginning, and that she also was initiating it. The messages were sexually explicit, she would talk to her ex ###$ buddies remembering the good ol times, as well as new people. In the messages I found out lies, the stupidest lies: she lied about my cat being hers for example. I found a deleted chat from one of the 3 people messaging her since the beginning. A whole deleted chat. She would just have conversations with whoever gave her attentions, and most of the time, it was sexually explicit. I couldn’t sleep that night.

I decided I would wait for her to notice I spied on her phone, talk to her and break up the next day. When she noticed, she accused me. She didn't even seem to know what kind of conversations she had on her phone, so I pointed it out. She went crazy, she cried, she told me she would have committed suicide. She came at my place later that day, having a panic attack, I calm her down and confront her on the conversations I’ve read, she confesses me she would have sex with anybody, ANYBODY. She slept with all the people she knew and she confessed to me she was an escort for a period in her life. She tells me she doesn’t even really like doing it, she just does it and she doesn’t know why. That I was true, she just doesn’t know how to deal with a regular relationship. The only way she feels appreciated in life is by having sex, receiveing attention and being objectified because that’s what her father thought her when she was a little girl.

I was shocked, again. I ask her to leave, I tell her she disgusts me and she goes crazy. She throws her bag on the floor and kicks it, she kicks my entrance door and starts screaming, she slams the toilet door and starts having another panic attack. I calm her down again. She wouldn’t leave, so I convinced her to leave by telling her we will try to get together again, but I needed some time to think.

The two following weeks we’ve been apart and talked only over chat and phone, with me doubting myself and trying to believe in her BS and her trying to convince me she would have changed and that “she didn’t kill anybody”, “you didn’t find in bed with another guy”. She tells me how she wants to be my slave, she tells me I would have complete access to her phone, that if I wanted I could beat her and she wouldn’t say a thing about it. She would delete her social networks, she even thought of shaving her hair for me, she would never take a picture of herself again. She kept messaging, calling me. At some point, I stopped responding. But I was doubtful, I had terrible doubts. I thought that maybe I was exaggerating, I thought that maybe I was the first caring person she met and didn’t know her behavior could have this kind of impact on the relationship. I was doubting myself again, knowing deep inside me I was right and should have left her forever and never come back.

I decided I would see her again and talk to her to see if she understood how much this was not only about the messages I’ve read, but the fact that I couldn’t trust her anymore as she removed the element of trust from our relationship and how important and bad that was.

We saw each other and all I see and hear is someone who didn’t understand $#%^ about it all. All she could say was: “please, let’s try again, this will never happen again”. I fell for it. She was beautiful, I was craving sex, I was craving the intimacy we had, the hugs, the kisses.

We spent the following week having sex, great sex, the best sex of my life. But as soon as she started going out again, with friends and colleagues, I got insecure and jealous. I feel like all she tells me is a lie. At that point I didn’t trust one word coming out of her mouth. I gave her trust, and I discovered she now has a pin code to access her phone. I was at her place, she received a call from an unregistered number, I asked her to respond, she refused. She goes out, I know almost nothing about her whereabouts. Days later, we meet, and tell her how I feel, she says it’s me exaggerating, I tell her this situation is not good for both of us and that I’m done. She didn’t expect it, she’s mad but less mad than the first time. She let me go (we were outside and she couldn’t force me in any way).

The next weeks pass by as usual: her accusing me, me trying to have her understand the situation. She plays the victim: I'm lost in myself, I don’t go out, I cry all the time. She confesses to me she has bulimia, and that I noticed everything but not this, accusing me of not caring. She pukes because she is ugly, that’s what she said. She has to get skinnier. All of her value in her mind is her appearance, the sex she can give and get. All I try to do to make her understand she has to go to therapy is pointless. She doesn’t have a problem in her mind. At this point the problem is me being a jealous monster.

Days later, I find out she is on Tinder again, with a badge saying she was online in the last 24h. I tell her about it, she denies it. She keeps on lying, denying the evidence. I get really mad, I start insulting her very heavily (too heavily, too heavily for sure) and block her. The next day she calls me from different numbers, including her mum’s. I get scared because I think she could invent something terrible and make my life even more miserable with her lies so I unblock her and say sorry. She agrees not to hear from each other again but begs me to stop insulting her because she is scared.

This was 4 days ago. I had enough but I feel terrible. I feel like I’m abstinent from a substance. It feels horrible to cut all contacts to this person I was dependent on at this point. I now have to manage a heartbreak and an abuse. My mind is full of “what ifs”, I’m pretty sure I got cheated on and I keep on wondering with whom and how many times. What damages me the most is that I’m sure that she will very soon sleep with someone else, while I will be damaged for months ahead and may have trust issues with my next partners. I really feel like I was abused. She will probably start dating again and easily forget about me, this makes me feel so stupid and lost. Even if keep telling me she will continue being miserable, and that I just saved myself from an awful person and situation. I still have doubts though: could I have changed her? Could I have helped her? Was I too exaggerated? I believe the answer is NO, but it’s hard to accept.

I’m also having a very hard time not looking at her social media, even if I blocked her there are anonymous sites to see instagram stories which are only one click away, resisting the temptation is very very hard for me. I’ve managed to not do it only for a day and I’m trying to keep going and resist.

I feel like I was a good judge of the situation, I immediately spotted all the red flags and in this last month I documented myself on what this behavior could mean, and I found out about personality disorders. I believe she has a mix of HPD, BPD and some traits of narcissism. The good news is discovering it only after 5 months, and moving myself away from this pretty quickly.

Any comments, common stories etc. would be of great comfort for me, I’m going through some very hard times.

Thanks for reading.
Last edited by Snaga on Wed Sep 14, 2022 8:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved to Significant Others, no edits
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Re: Was she a Histrionic? I'm broken

Postby PersephoneL0ve » Wed Sep 21, 2022 7:44 pm

What makes you think she’s histrionic? Dramatic, messiness, and trauma hx aren’t necessarily a good proxy. Maybe she just wasn’t a good partner for YOU, yet will be fine with someone else?

We’re not able to diagnose her.

Not sure if labels are helpful to your processing.

I’d move on and let it go.

Best to you.

-sephe. (HPD Dx, ASPD traits)
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