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Divorcing a narc, what to expect

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Divorcing a narc, what to expect

Postby mycutepup2 » Tue Nov 30, 2021 6:57 pm

Hello you all, I am seeking help!
Pardon me this is going to be a long thread with much detail.
My husband and I got married 20 years ago after 1 year of long distance dating. We have a 30 year age gap, I moved to his country because he didn't want to live in mine.
The marriage was full of rollercoasters since the beginning. My husband lacked boundaries. Every time we had an argument he called his ex gf for validation. When we got together with friends, he bragged about adventures he had with his many exes as if I was not there. I was confused why he did this and blamed it on culture difference. Every insult that came out of his mouth was a'joke' that I should accept no matter how insulting or inappropriate.
When the children turned about 9 years old, my husband started to turn them against me. Every time I coached them he verbally abused me and took their side. The children joined him in abusing me.
I realized the damaged we caused on the children so I put my foot down and asked my 76 year old husband to move out, which he did for 3 months but came home every weekend to be with us. Things got better - I redirected the kid's behavior and had tremendous success within a short period of time.
During the separation I found out that his step sister had called me all kinds of abusive names. Every time she visited us I treated her with deepest kindness but she continued to compete for her step brother's attention with me. She is jealous of his love for me.
I decided to stand up for myself and told her to back off. She was hurt by my strength, my husband comforted her and called my feelings 'crap'.
I asked him to stop all contact with her so we can work on our marriage. He refused.
We are going through a divorce not because I do not love my almost 77 year old husband but because I realize that he will never change since he grew up in a dysfunctional family. I'm not rejecting his love but I'm trying to protect myself from emotional abuse.
I plan to have a very friendly divorce, still own our house together so he can come sleep at our house during his parenting time, he will have his own place during the week. Why I allow him to come stay at our marital home, because he doesn't have the energy to take care of the kids on his own. I still hope to take care of him in his old age because I'm so grateful for the good things we have built together in the last 20 years and because he's the father of my children.
My question is, will my kindness and commitment towards him backfire?
Last edited by Snaga on Wed Dec 01, 2021 12:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Moved to Significant Others forum, no edits
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Re: Divorcing a narc, what to expect

Postby Treason509 » Wed Jan 05, 2022 8:16 pm

In reading what you are explaining I have questions.

You state that there is a 30 year age gap? You also state that you moved to his country? If that is the case I see two major points here. One, some countries have different beliefs on how a woman should act and also be. Take for instance the view of Islam and the Muslim religion compared to the Buddhist views of life. Second what I see is the generational differences. 30 years is a great deal of time and a jump in generations.

You state that your husband is driving a wedge between not just you and him but also you and your children? How long has this behavior been going on? Is it consistent and continuing in nature or is there a specific action that will bring it along? There are several questions that arise with this that could be asked but the biggest part is to ask yourself by taking away financial security and emotional dependence not on him but on your children if you truly are wanting this marriage still? Many people will bring into factor the two questions that I have asked but also bring into light that to some it seems that you sought a mature relationship that did not require intimacy of the sexual nature also but instead of the emotional nature in which you no longer receive to the capacity that you seek.
I hope that this response finds you in good health and that it is the beginning of the answers you seek for your own refelction.
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