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Narcissistic mother?

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Narcissistic mother?

Postby Tarek » Tue Apr 27, 2021 12:59 am


I'm 41 yrs old and I've had lots of issues with my mother since she was divorced from my father long time ago (now they're together) to the point that we're having fights every other day for 20 yrs now.
I read somewhere she might be narcissistic. I do not want to rant a lot but i just want to provide the right amount of info to help you see it with the right perspective.
To cut the story short, i got married five years ago and since then it's been living hell.
Me and my wife whom my mother hates got our place to live and I insisted to marry her which caused a hell lot of problems with my mother cause my wife has BPD and she thinks we won't be able to raise our daughter well enough. I suffer from depression/ anxiety/ health anxiety to the point of being debilitated sometimes when I'm under extreme stress. Mother moved right above us in the same house and she's trying so hard to break the marriage and take our daughter and raise her with me.

I know people do not get diagnosed online but no way I'm taking her to a psychiatrist to evaluate her.
I think she has narcissistic traits and she's making my life miserable.
1-Everything she says must be right
2- when I'm under severe stress, she pushes for divorce (she doesn't care that I'm stressed and she sees me tired and anxious but what's important is that we get divorced). I have some form of nodules and I'm following up with a doctor with ultrasounds to check every 6 months to see if it gets bigger it might be C. I'm just saying this as this is a constant stressor but she doesn't care. On the contrary she seizes this weakness to push for divorce with all kind of threats.
3-my father can't do anything about it cause he's passive and she's very controlling.
4- conversations has to be about her and how she manages and survives. She can't handle another opinion.
5- she's all knowing about everything although this is not the case and if contradicted this will turn into a fight. Just seeing her face expressions when negated is enough for me to end the conversation.

Sorry for the long rant and my mediocre English but I really need any advice as to whether she could really be narcissistic or at least have he traits?

I'm financially independent from her but sill she threatens with giving all her money to charities when she dies on the pretense that I insisted on my marriage.
She promises and never fulfills.
She wants to raise my daughter and doesn't give a $#%^ about her mother as she's sick (this how she thinks) and wont be able to raise the kid.

Am i too attached? I just need to live a normal life and do not want to lose her and regret it later if something happened to her

Is there anything i can do?
Is her concerns validated?

I've been fighting for the past 5 years but with my newly diagnosed health anxiety I'm kinda exhausted with all the pressure with suicidal ideations.

Any advice would be really appreciated too.

Thank you so much.
Last edited by Snaga on Tue Apr 27, 2021 4:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved from Family, to Significant Others, Friends and Family for more exposure, no edits
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Re: Narcissistic mother?

Postby Philonoe » Tue Apr 27, 2021 12:18 pm

Hi Tarek,

Your post moved me much. Here are some ideas about it.

First : you need to take care of yourself. That's your priority.

Your mother : what you describe is very abusive.

She is not in her role

- as a mother, she should be preoccupied by your health.
- as a mother, she is not the mother of your child. That is incestuous attitude.
- she should respect your boundaries. It sounds incredible to me that she came to live above your home without agreement from you.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. She probably built a relation with you with no space for you, no boundaries, reverted parent/child role.

Despite that terribly difficult environment you were able to reach autonomy, to have your home, to build your family.

I think you need to protect yourself. Your space. Your boundaries. She is probably guiltripping, she is probably champion to look good grandma ("i had to move to protect my poor grand daughter, "i do all for them ... " etc.)

So probably you need some help to protect yourself. Be very structured and intelligent friend/doctor/therapist/.... You need some help to set your boundaries. You need help to lower anxiety. You need to take care of yourself.
You are responsible or yourself. You are not responsible of your mother.
Please take care of yourself.
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Re: Narcissistic mother?

Postby Tarek » Wed Apr 28, 2021 12:52 am

Hello Phil,

Thank you so much for your concerns. I feel all alone in this battle and my father told me bluntly that he's going to be very passive about all this lest she's going to make his life miserable.

Your thoughts about being the "good grandma" who's trying to protect the little kid are right on point.
This is exactly what she's saying and to be honest she's doing all her effort to prove that to me but that's not respecting my boundaries indeed.
She's too persistent even if i stop talking to her for months(my way of setting boundaries), once we are all good, she never seizes to stop.

Thank you for your kind words.

I might be seeking CBT and Meds cause health anxiety is running my life and what's really frustrating is that she thinks all of this is because of my wife not her. Denial to the point of being abusive.

Thank you again.
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