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Is it Asperger's or is it Narcissism?

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Is it Asperger's or is it Narcissism?

Postby CheckM8 » Fri Jan 01, 2021 12:06 am

I've been with a fellow for five years now. I began to realize 'something is not quite right' within the first year. I just thought he was being the occasional inconsiderate arsehole, but then I began to notice a plethora of other things.

He lost a very close friend and mentor--I never saw him cry. Recently, he lost both of his parents to illness within four months. He did not attend either funeral, but attended the graveside services--again, no outward expression of sadness or grief. When his sibling called to tell him his mother had suffered a heart attack and was en route to the hospital, I immediately went to dress to go to the hospital. When I came out, he had poured himself a cup of coffee and resumed his normal routine of surfing the internet as though nothing unusual had happened. I would have thought he would have gone into speed mode to get to the hospital. I was perplexed but I said nothing and simply abandoned the idea of going along as it was clear he had no intention of going.

It seems to me he has no difficulty expressing and displaying frustration, annoyance and anger, however, affection is non-existant--as I would recognize affection or caring displays of the emotions. He yells at me, calls me names etc. I have made it clear to him that I can tolerate quite alot but I will NEVER allow him to walk all over me and call me names without holding him accountable for those actions. I have told him that I realize I cannot stop him from calling me every name in the book but I CAN let him know it is NOT ok with me and that he can blame me for HIS actions all he wants but that I expressly reject the blame and it can just fall at his feet where it lands because I will never accept it, because it isn't true. I told him I will certainly accept responsibility for my contributions in our difficulties but will not allow him to saddle me with what belongs to him.

As I do research, I have found that Asperger's and Narcissism have reportedly been mistaken for one another in the diagnosing process. The traits and characteristics are startlingly similar. At this point and time, I am leaning heavily toward Asperger's. One trait I have identified that is only attributed to Asperger's is an awkward gait. He does have a different type of walk. I have also seen 'stimming' as evidenced by wringing his hands (like a fly) just before beginning a project or task that requires planning and focused thought. He also has the eye tick--quick and frequent blinking of the eyes.

Conflict of any kind quickly turns to anger and yelling to which no resolution can be achieved. I have identified and analog that is a prelude to the anger. It goes like this:
Annoyance>>Irritation>>Agitation>>Frustration and then immediate full blown biblical proportion anger. I have since been able to recognize this and it has helped me to prepare to be calm and avert my own frustration and anger. I have learned that in this way I take away his power by refusing to allow him to lead me into a fight. I just sit calmly and ask him why he feels it is necessary to yell to the top of his lungs. Of course, it is my fault--but I let him know that he is in control of the volume of his voice and that I will not permit him to make me the cause of HIS actions. At this point, he generally uses every trick in his bag to draw me into the nonsensical argument he wishes to have, but then tells me that I enjoy fighting. I don't argue--I just rebut anything that is not reality. He will continue to insist that it is "I" who causes all the arguments. I simply let him know I reject his assessment and TRY to refrain from raising my voice. A few weeks ago I think he finally realized that I haven't raised my voice and remain calm--so THEN he said I was "just lovin' it". I said, no---I'm not loving it--I am simply working on ME and am practicing the art of being in control of myself.

How many of you out there wonder if your person is an Aspie or a Narcissist? This is my first post and I am new here---like all of you---I am searching for answers and solutions. I believe there is a person with a heart in there somewhere---I don't want to give up on him yet. I have been a nurse in the operating room for alot of years and I am quite accustomed to the bullying and abusive behaviors from surgeons and I have put my experiences to good use but I didn't have PERSONAL relationships 24/7 with these over educated children who have MD behind their names. Any suggestions or thoughts would be welcome. Thank you for reading...
Last edited by Snaga on Fri Jan 01, 2021 12:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved to Significant Others Family & Friends, no edits- partners of people with certain disorders are generally encouraged to post in SOFF, thanks
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