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Making sense of my ex, have I got it wrong?

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Making sense of my ex, have I got it wrong?

Postby exBPD2020 » Thu Aug 27, 2020 11:59 am

Hey all, this is my first post and I hope this is allowed.

I have recently come out of a breakup which has left me confused and scrambling to return to the person I once was. I, for the first time in my life, have reached out to a psychologist to help with my anxiety and ruminating thoughts. My psychologist raised that my ex may have exhibited traits of BPD, something that I had not heard of prior. The further I read into it, I feel like I could associated some of the 9 traits of disorder to her. I know it isn't good to arm chair diagnose, nor to paint everyone with a wide brush, and I definitely had a hand to play in the fall of my relationship, but it has helped to get it out.

I truly have never felt so low in my life, and it honestly sucks. Quarantine hasn't helped either.

Sorry about the length, but I guess the more information, the better.

I met my ex at work and was instantly attracted as she was incredibly gorgeous, and noticed some interest, but didn't want to misinterpret as it was work. She made the first move, gave her number, and we hit it off. I have never, in my 25 years, felt something like this before.

We were compatible on a level I didn't think was possible; music, ambitions, goals, outlook on family, life, friends - the whole lot.

It was fast and intense. Mind you, I had never had relationship experience before so I didn't know what to look out for, but it felt too good. We were official in 3 weeks, and she exchanged the fact that she loved me in 4 weeks.

She exclaimed that she never felt this way before, even after a 4 year relationship. That she had never been treated with as much respect as I gave her due to some toxic exes that she had in the past, and that she knew that I was the one. She told her friends and they too were sold on this fact. She even told my friends and everyone at work. I has on cloud 9 - she was so invested, and so too was I with her. I was happy with her graduating, and was excited to see what was in ahead for us. She would constantly tell me how lucky she was to have me and how in love she was with me. I was HAPPY.

I was a bit reserved with my feelings due to not having much lucky with women in my life, and she was frustrated I wasn't as eager (or at least showing it) as she was and wearing my heart on my sleeve like she was. I fell for her, and opened myself up 110%.

She mentioned marriage jokingly a lot of times within the first month or two, planning get aways in the future and what our house would look like. I took it as cute talk, but many have told me that this is a relationship red flag, but I went along with it.

What I did notice from her though, was intense jealousy; female coworkers, female friends from university, and retroactive jealousy - scared that I was hiding an ex, which I never had. I ensured that she was the one for me, and that I wouldn't have an ex. I was that sure of us two.
She would ask me if we were ok constantly if we didn't speak a lot via texting (due to being at work or busy in general), if we were ok after a minor dispute or misunderstanding (but then revert to loving me and acting like it never happened), used you never/you always statements ("you never know what to say to me, you always say this"), which were used in circular arguments where I tried to use logic to help her out with problems (I know, i always try to solve problems instead of trying to emotionally empathise with the issue) and she would be crying which I never knew why due to the context of the issue, felt blown out of proportion. But again, she would revert to happy and loving after settling and acknowledging her mistakes.

She was scared I was going to leave her, would constantly have migraines, stomach and back pains, and would have a tumultuous relationship with a few best friends, where she would say she would be over them, but then be back to normal.

Now there was one thing in particular that was a common reoccurrence in the relationship. Her father was absent since she was born, due to being hospitalised with schizophrenia. She remained in contact with him here and there, but was a rocky relationship. She was scared if anything were to happen to him, that she were to blame. I was there for her regarding this, and ensured she was ok. She would tell me that she preferred to deal with this herself. I, respecting that, told her I was always there for her regardless, and wouldn't pry more than she was comfortable with.

After 4 months of bliss, it felt like we were getting into the rhythm of life, but I noticed some distance between us. She mentioned a few things; that she couldn't love me the way that I loved her, that she pushes away her loved ones, and that she was struggling with her father and that her mind was a mess. I tried to be with her, but she told me not to worry.

A week later I received a phone call; she was teary and wasn't sure we were working,

She wanted a break.

I tried to talk her out of it but her heart was set on it. She told me that she loved me, and saw herself with me and marrying me and not to worry. But, that I shouldn't wait for her and not to feel like I was in limbo.

I fought for 3 days to no avail. She said I wasn't respecting her request. We were still talking fine and she even joked about not feeling like we were on a break and she still wanted one. I gave it to her.

I pulled away. In hindsight, I'm disgusted with myself for not fully asking what a break meant and going against my values of being open and authentic. But my responses were slower and shut off. Unlike me.It felt like the emotional games begun.

She asked where I was, where my good morning messages were. I was shut off. I was hurt, but wanted to appear strong. If anything, she was back to loving me and chasing me more, but I couldn't pick up on this.

She told me she missed me, and I told her I missed her too. I tried to organise a meet but for three weeks she was busy with work.

We spoke on the phone after 2 weeks, and she was as giddy as ever and she loved me. But again, couldn't see her. After a week, I expressed being scared we were drifting apart and that we were worth it. She said I should have fought harder for her. She was comfortable by herself at the moment, but she saw herself with me and wanted to return to our initial relationship.

A week later, after trying to clarify what we were, she told me she was suffocated and that she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. And that was that. she was gone and I hate my actions. I feel guilty. Like I tried to pull away for a response. I hate myself.

I found out she rebounded a week after me with someone she met during the break, and is now in another relationship with someone else, about a month after me.

I don't know where she went. I feel like I'm to blame completely for it all.

I don't exist to her, haven't heard from her in 4 months. No birthday message. Guess I wasn't the one after all.

Does anything from here demonstrate BPD?

I know my faults for the future, but I truly miss her and want her back. But I know that won't ever happen, and to cut my losses.

You live and you learn
Last edited by Snaga on Fri Aug 28, 2020 5:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved from BPD to Significant Others forum, no edits
exBPD2020
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