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Covert Controllers Manipulators

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Covert Controllers Manipulators

Postby Asta » Thu Jul 23, 2020 2:33 pm

Would this come under NPD or another general PD?

Covert Controllers / Manipulators as described in psychology today.

I have tolerated this behaviour from my step father for years and also on occasion from my mother. Its very hard breaking contact with my birth mother especially now as we are all in our senior years. Thankfully I am not living with them but its still happening on the infrequent times we meet.

I have tried to tolerate it and I would like to maintain contact with my mother, but at the same time I do not want to keep showing up to be abused in this way.

I have a bit of internal conflict going on, or internal dialogue.

One is saying its not healthy to be with people that do this, its not healthy I keep exposing myself to it.
- If I could not react to it I might have some relationship, but know that it will keep happening.

Is it healthy for me to break contact because of this?

- its not healthy for me to allow it to keep happening.

With breaking contact with one parent the other takes their side, so that means I lose 2 parents, both will be putting the blame on my shoulders and communicating this to my siblings, who don't seem to bother much with me either for whatever reason - thinking.... because they believe the parents or they have their own problems to deal with.

I feel isolated because I have been shielding for 4 months, there was a safe place I could meet in their garden, but even with separation all that time first opportunity and again I was put down. Bad mouthed at Christmas, bad mouthed before lock down and first meet bad mouthed again.

I know being emotionally detached from something, one would say you are better off out of it. So I guess what I am asking is, has anyone else experienced this?

what tools helped them overcome and heal?

Did you continue contact even less frequently or just by email or skype?

Or did you break completely?

Grateful for any advice.
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Re: Covert Controllers Manipulators

Postby Snaga » Thu Jul 23, 2020 7:11 pm

Mmm sound like NPD kind of thing to me, but technically dealing with the effects of it from family members makes it a SOFF forum topic so moved over here for the time being. Since the PD forums are more for them what have the PD in question. Plus there can be plenty of overlapping disorder discussion in a thread here, when trying to peek into the minds of the folks that are having to be dealt with.

I can't say I've been completely in that situation... I... have had a step parent give me fits, but not sure it was quite in an NPDish sort of way, and we get along well enough now. I would say though if you definitely know it's not healthy for you to go into that setting, then it's going to be a matter of deciding if there's more harm in not going. Everyone's grownups here, if that's the way they want to be at you, well, they're adults. At some point a kid has to look out for themselves. I reckon I would only interact as much as my morality bade me to, to check on a parent. I don't much like the idea of parents and children making the others' lives miserable but expecting that person to just stand there and take it- in either direction, from parent to child, or child to parent. You've a right to be happy in your own life.

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Re: Covert Controllers Manipulators

Postby Asta » Fri Jul 24, 2020 9:46 am

Thanks Snaga

I guess I am oversensitive to it now. Wanting to have any time with them happy ones, but I seem to be accumulating more and more hurt.

I've thought if I could maybe not react without internalising it somehow.

I've read some on emotional intelligence and yet to study the inner child book, perhaps I should go over those again and think about things further.

Many thanks for your input and for putting this post in the right place :)

Have a good weekend.
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