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Demanding narcissistic mum

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Demanding narcissistic mum

Postby Angel on the Balcony » Sun May 31, 2020 6:52 am

Hi

I'm 53, male. I’ve been in the mental health system since 23. Initially diagnosed with schizophrenia, and only five years ago had that ruled out, and now diagnosed DID, amongst others. So yeah, in therapy.

I live with my mum. The relationship isn’t very good. Although we live together, we actually spend little time together. Mum would like me to spend more time with her, while I’m doing my best to maintain boundaries. She can be very demanding. It’s not easy, as mum is narcissistic. So yes, very aware of the codependency and enmeshment dynamic. Being so aware of how our relationship is doesn’t always help. So I end up doing things I'd rather not be doing, just to avoid rocking the boat.

The last few days mum has been asking me to trim her toe nails and lacquer them. In itself not an easy task, as I dislike touching people or being touched. In the past when I have done her nails I have worn rubber gloves. Still don’t like it. The last few days of being asked, I have made it quite obvious that I don’t want to do them. She has help that comes in twice a week. One thing she has help with is washing her hair. So yeah, I’ve asked why can’t your help do your nails. After all, that’s what she’s for. The reply is, "I want you to do them."

It just makes me feel really uncomfortable, the thought of doing her nails. I feel that I shouldn’t have to do them, and it feels kinda odd, a 53 year old son doing his mum’s toe nails, even, as I said, she has help, so there shouldn’t be any reason for me to do them. It feels weird with her knowing how much I dislike touching, and then being asked to do something that is obviously gonna be difficult for me.

Then of course once I have done her nails, and anyone comments on them, she’s bound to tell them that I did them. I’m sure others will think it’s a bit odd. It's bad enough finding out that there’s a rumour going around that me and mum have a sexual relationship.

So my question is. Am I being too over sensitive about all this, or do I have valid reasons for being so apprehensive about doing mums toe nails.
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Re: Demanding narcissistic mum

Postby Akuma » Sun May 31, 2020 8:01 am

First things first: this is a forum for people with NPD. Questions about friends / family etc belongs into the "Significant Others Friends & Family" sub-forum, where you might get more relevant / fitting responses.

To the question itself, yes its very odd. I would actually say its perverse in a way. Its also odd that you still live with her, though tbh.
If youre in therapy, then if its a psychodynamic therapy you will probably know about projection and that she is using you as an extension of herself, and at the same time as a container for her shame. Im not even sure if NPD is the right diagnosis from her behavior, is she diagnosed?
In any event, - imo - you should get your own place and learn standing up for yourself, or on a more deeeper level to learn to disconnect from her and realize your identity as an individual.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: Demanding narcissistic mum

Postby justonemoreperson » Sun May 31, 2020 8:09 am

@OP

This has nothing to do with nails; it's all about control. Shift the control back to you.

Buy her vouchers for a nail salon or, if they're really gross, a chiropodist.

You'll show her you "care" by making sure she gets the right treatment, while setting clear boundaries about what you're willing to do.

it’s a bit odd. It's bad enough finding out that there’s a rumour going around that me and mum have a sexual relationship.


It's not a bit odd, it's abnormal. No wonder people think you're ######6 your mother; their reaction is your wake-up call. You need to start setting boundaries.
I'm not arguing; I'm explaining why I'm right.
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Re: Demanding narcissistic mum

Postby Snaga » Sun May 31, 2020 3:43 pm

(moved to Significant Others forum)
Image

Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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Re: Demanding narcissistic mum

Postby Angel on the Balcony » Mon Jun 01, 2020 1:41 am

Thanks for your comments.

You're right of course. Getting my own place would be a good idea. Easier said than done. Not being able to work and living on benefit being a problem. I just don’t have the money. Also, being off work for so long, I’d imagine I’m unemployable. Little money I do have, a good percentage goes on therapy. I wasn’t getting anywhere in the system. Just medication all the time.

So, as much as I dislike it, and well aware how unhealthy our relationship is, I’m kinda stuck with it. It took going to therapy to realize just how bad it is.
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Re: Demanding narcissistic mum

Postby justonemoreperson » Mon Jun 01, 2020 7:09 am

This isn't about leaving home and changing your entire life, it's about setting clear boundaries to regain some independence and self-respect.

You've clearly listed the things you can't do, but there's stuff you can do. Find a local charity to volunteer at. That way you can get used to being back out there in the work place and get some useful experience and, more importantly, you get to socialise with more people than your mother and pick up a clearer perspective.
I'm not arguing; I'm explaining why I'm right.
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Re: Demanding narcissistic mum

Postby DaysAWeek » Mon Jun 15, 2020 6:19 am

I also had a narcissistic mother. She used me as an accessory and extension of herself, I can very much relate with you.

My mother would force me to brush her hair and her girlfriends hair, the girlfriend she was cheating on my father with I might add! One day when I was around 50, which is a couple of decades ago now, I finally put my foot down and set my boundaries. I took my own control back. You might want to set your own boundaries with your own mother.

Best wishes.
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