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My Narc husband is a vVctim of his Narc Dad...help!

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My Narc husband is a vVctim of his Narc Dad...help!

Postby Rodeored76 » Wed Apr 08, 2020 6:00 pm

I'd like some advise, on a bit of twist regarding narcissistic abuse! I'm married to a full-on vulnerable narcissist! We were best, best friends and team roping partners for three years before we ever dated. At first I didn't want to date him because he's friendship was valuable to me and I didn't want to risk it. Those three years, he appeared he was very much in love with me (I know, don't say it), he was protective, kind, helpful, a knight in shining armour and very invested in my opinion of him. When I finally said yes to dating, I fell madly in love with him and a year later we were married. It hasn't been easy, of course and he does cycles through every narc pattern to a T. Again, it was a rough start but a lot of learning and educated came along to help us grow. Here's the deal, we are great, amazingly happy, repectful, mature and solid 90% of the time! He does get triggered, and does the ghosting thing, and silent treatment's, but few a far in between. They're short lived (2 months is the longest, and I'll explain). What's crazy is even during his "detach phase", he goes back home to dad, and he stays completely faithful to me and our marriage. He knows that's the one thing I will not forgive him for.

By society standards, I'm out of his league (I don't feel this way, so please don't judge), but we truly compliment all aspects of each other. I'm very strong, independant and confident, I'm happy, positive and successful. He has no self-esteem, he doesn't find value in himself, basically he thinks he's a complete failure. I believe this is why we are so strong together! I'm very good at naturally empowering him. I do believe in him, I find so much value in him as a person and I strongly appreciate everything he does for me. I keep his supply filled and with ease because they're true things I feel and show him. On the other side, and its taken a lot support and education, but I don't need him to validate his feelings for me. If he hurts me, I handle it respectfully and in a way that's attacking and I know not to "expect" him to understand my feelings; and we've learned to communicate this aspect very well. This was a hard thing grasp, originally, but being strong and confident, I know where he stands in our lives, our marriage and about me (trust me, I'm not being nieve or making excuses for him). He's definitely my person and I am his! We are truly awesome together! Before passing judgement, he see's 2 professionals, on his own accord, to for the tools he needs in his tool box to keep our marriage in the right path.

So why am I writing this? You see, my husband's narcissism isn't the problem, it's my father-in-law's narcissism that is the whole issue. His entire life mission is to destroy our marriage. He lies and manipulates my husband so bad. Remember me saying that he only runs back home to his dad. The relationship between that father and son is heartbreaking. His dad does not validate him, praise him, nothing. His dad treats him like he's 12, and my husband's maturity drops to a 12 year old when they're together. My husband cherishes his father, and I don't dare say one bad word about his dad...oh no, massive trigger! My husband has grown in his life's successes since being together with me. He now has a career, instead of being grunt labor. Its a fulfilling career that my husband is so proud of and works hard at it everyday. He has a nicer vehicle, credit score and saving; his competitive side and confidence with team roping is growing and he's getting more successful in this goal. This causes my husband to always blirt out things to his dad for praise and validation...like "we had amazing sex last, I was so studly!" Or "I roped like this, or I did this at home for my wife, etc". His dad just responds with an "oh ya" or shoulder shrug. Another problem is that his dad loved me at first! He was proud I had their family name, praised how truly happy his son was, how he loved that I spoiled his son, etc. Then, out of no where, that switched flipped to pure hatred! So, now that there's this horrible tension between the two most valuable people in my husband's life, there's a lot of turmoil in his head. My husband started lying to me and hiding just to have beers with his dad, the more he snuck around, the more evil things his dad would put into his head about me. His dad convinced my husband I stole 21k from him? What, we share and account and there's no way to steal money, he can see everything transaction. Yet, my husband believed him for a few weeks. Then realized it couldn't be right, andhad accountability for that mess. Then one night, my father-in-law demanded my husband divorce me and "get that ring off my finger." He left me the next morning! His dad has also got physically violent with me, slamming me against the wall! And my husband justified it by just standing there, almost in shock or torn? This move out and daddy justification only lasted a few weeks. What's crazy is that his dad goes through all the narc phases but to my husband and towards our marriage. I think he pulls my husband home for his own supply and manipulation. Then the second my husband says wait, what I am doing, no, no, no...he gets really hurt and scared. Then his dad turns it all around and tells him I'm the best thing he's ever had, don't let me go, take good care of me, how much he loves me for his son, and how could you have ever thought about leaving her...ya, ugh!!
The first of this year we moved 700 miles away from our hometown, then 2 weeks in his only brother was killed in a bad wreck. Firstly, this was the first and only death my husband has ever had in his family. Oh man, what an emotionally challenging ride this was, he was very overwhelmed. Of course, he goes home and his dad convinces my husband he has to move home because they lost their only other child and they have no children left but my husband (my husband is 45 years old), and he needs to be back in his childhood room. This was a deviant and sick move. So, my husband comes back to me, on the fight, very mean and nasty and moved back home, per his daddy's demand. He's been gone since the end of January. Now, he is starting to pattern back around, because he truly can't and doesn't want to live without his wife and the lifestyle we have in common, I fulfill his life/supply! I filed for divorce once, and it scared him so bad, that's when he found help, and went to his professionals. He doesn't want any one else!

So, here's another piece to my problem-puzzle. My husband is ok and understanding that he's a narc, it doesnt make him perfect, or our relationship easy, but he tries very hard to keep our balances level with me being an emotionally driven person and him not knowing how to process that people have such feelings; however, don't you dare imply his dad is a narc, has flaws, or point out things his dad does to him and us. This causes a war! Is there anything I can do to end this cycle with his dad, or help my husband be aware or see the patterns there? Honestly, if I decide to divorce him, at this point, it'll be 100% because of his dad and the games he inflicts on my marriage, my happiness and my life. If I divorce my husband it will destroy him! Also, like right now, at this moment (per patterns), my husband is teetering between I've got to start talking to my wife, before I lose her, but he's afraid too, because what if daddy finds out, or hears me? It's crazy to me, that my high level narc husband isn't even the toxic one, his dad is! I recently "suggested" a plan that when my hubs has to run, since he cannot control that urge (and he'll likely always have that negative dad influence), to try and do it with maturity, no silent treatments and shorter terms. If he'd learn to skip the hate-my-wife phase, it'd shorten this to about a week. Honestly, it doesn't bother me that he has to run, he decompresses and comes back with power. Missing me keeps that spark and relationship good, especially for him. It also keeps reminding him that I am valuable in his life! I know, I'm probably sounding a little crazy, but we work, truly! Maybe a rare couple, I hope! So any help, please, regarding his dad? *I posted this on another forum and they lit up bashing my husband for his lack of accountability with his dad, they were very brutal and mean. Please don't do this, although my husband is a narc, he is aware and he tries, but he is genuinely a victim of narc abuse himself! It's a really tough triangle especially for him. He needs validation from his very emotionally and mentally abusive father and it's very toxic!! So please don't bash my husband, remember he's a victim on this spectrum! Also, my.husband, through his 2 professional ladies, knows how he developed narcissism as a kid, he knows it was his dad, but like a victim, he makes excuses for his dad during that phase of his life!
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Re: My Narc husband is a vVctim of his Narc Dad...help!

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Tue Apr 14, 2020 1:48 pm

Rodeored76 wrote:So why am I writing this?

Sort of, but more so, why are you writing this here?
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