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My wife with BPD symptoms

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My wife with BPD symptoms

Postby lifeenthusiast5 » Tue Mar 24, 2020 4:11 am

Hello all, and thank you in advance for reading, letting me vent, and providing advice if you have any. :)

I am no psychologist, just a common 32 year old guy married to a 27 gal. I work with computers and she is a dental assistant. We have been married for 4 years. This is our first marriage for both. No kids yet. We love each other very much. She is beautiful, kind, cooks delicious meals, is a hard worker, and loves her cat to infinity, which is a quality adore of her. However, I am starting to believe that even though I have tried with all my efforts to provide unconditional love to her, as I was taught ever since my childhood, it is not enough and I'm seriously considering counting my losses and moving on. This forum is my last attempt at trying to make an effort to fix our marriage before finally calling it quits.

Having provided my "no psychologist" disclaimer, I suspect my wife shows a lot of Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms:
1) Erratic thinking: Eg. the Coronavirus. She talks on the phone with her mom everyday (who I suspect is also mentally ill) and her mom tells her the Coronavirus started in China because Chinese are bad people. She started to agree with it.
2) Black and white thinking: Eg. Thoughts like she thinks you can't be a rich person and be a kind hearted person at the same time; this because the Bible says so. She also tells me I'm going to hell because I recently changed my religion from Catholic to Buddhist. She can't accept the fact that I don't believe in a God anymore and constantly criticizes me for this.
3) Valuation and devaluation: Eg. In the beginning of our relationship, she adored me. Now she blames everything that's going on on our relationship to me. She literally tells me I ruined us.
4) Impulsivity: Eg. Buying a $150 skirt that she cannot afford, then wants me to help her pay it (I have many more examples of this), and this is in addition to her saying out loud that she doesn't care about money, saying she grew up poor (which doesn't make sense to me). Eg. 2. We opened our relationship once, to which we both agreed (yes, this was a mistake; we just wanted to experiment to see if something fun would spice our relationship, as neither of our parents taught us anything valuable about marriage, and that's why we are where we are). Once, she came home with a "neck kiss" once from another guy, even thought that was one of our clear rules of not to dos. Our open relationship ended there. Now she blames all the negative consequences of the open relationship to me because I was the one who suggested it, even though at first she was telling me that she was enjoying it a lot (which brings another point to the shift in thinking, to her convenience). She enjoyed it at first, rubbed off to me all the guys that she had on her list. Now she blames me for her having become "emotionally invested" in several of them and having her mind screwed up. Again, we had both agreed to this and gave us 2 months in advance before starting our "experiment", so we could both have a clear head. She told me to try it, that it should be fun.
5) Withholding sex for several months: At first, in our relationship, sex was a blast. Now I don't get sex once a month. I sit patiently with her. Doesn't work. I suggest her to get checked up. She doesn't. I ask her how she feels. She says she feels depressed, so she goes to a psychologist. Doesn't work. I tell her I still love her, no matter what. Doesn't work. I go to the gym with her and spend time together. Doesn't work. I go out on my on to let her time to be with herself, while I go for a run, study at a Starbucks, read, workout, etc. Doesn't work. I tell her she looks pretty and sexy. Doesn't work. I practice more patience. Doesn't work. I ask her if she wants to watch porn together. She says she doesn't like to watch porn. I ask her to play with toys together. She doesn't like the toys I buy, or any toys for that matter. I turn on two pairs of strawberry scented candles every night for the past 2 months. Doesn't work. I help around the house (I set the dishwater, pay the laundromat people to do the laundry for us, buy one of those automatic floor vacuum cleaners, and every now and them I help her clean). Doesn't work. I opt out of helping around the house until I start getting sex regularly, since me helping her around is not getting me any results anyways. Doesn't work. I take her out to play tennis, which is her favorite sport, which I taught her in the first place. Doesn't work. I tell her to dinner. Doesn't work. I take her to the movies. Doesn't work. I take her out to the park. Doesn't work. I sit with her and tell her that I cannot go on with a marriage in which I don't have sex; I actually want a child one day. She says give her time to get herself together. Doesn't work. I treated to divorce and give her more time to think. Doesn't work. She tells me I have anger management problems, so I grab a big workbook written by this psychologist, work hard at it every day for 30 days, do actual improvements on myself, finish it, and show it to her. Doesn't work. I tell her I'm doing my part as a husband by taking her out to eat, play tennis, eat expensive food, spend time with her, go to the movies, etc. etc. etc. and complain to her that this is killing me. She says maybe we should go our separate ways. She then says to give her a month to think. One week left and I don't see it go anywhere. Last night we sat down to think again and I really gave her an ultimatum. She says she'll get herself pretty up and we have sex the next day (which is today), and then she comes to me and asks if we can wait until the week ends. I'm thinking "Is this reality?". I stare at her with a straight face and lock myself in the room and play my guitar to relax. She comes to the room and sits next to me and asks "Are you OK?" with a smile in her face, genuinely thinking this is OK and this is actually normal. I'm fed up and I don't respond, because I'm damned if I respond, damned if I don't. It doesn't matter what I say or not say, she always takes it the wrong way.

It is exhausting. I can't win with her. Now with this Coronavirus disaster, her having no job and me still working (remotely), the bills depend on me, which I always pay anyway more than half of since I'm the biggest earner. Now I just feel guilty of abandoning her like this, but if I really feel she will make me get a mental illness of my own if I stay with her. I really rather buy her a plane ticket so she goes back to her home country with her mother than stay in this insanity.


Her background:
Abandoned by her father since she was 6. Mother was extremely neglectful, not even getting her remove her wisdom teeth when she was little, for which she has deformed teeth now. Thankfully, she now has braces, but that's just one of the many horrible neglects that she had in her childhood. She was extremely poor. She was also bullied a lot in school. Short and simple, from how she explains to me, she had an awful, awful, childhood. For all of these reasons, I don't blame her for being how she is.
Her escape was social media romance. Since she has always been beautiful, she had no trouble getting attention from guys, to the point of making them travel all the way from other distant countries to visit her.

My background:
I grew with both my parents together. Economically, I had the complete opposite of her experience. I thought I had a normal childhood. However, after our first 2 years of marriage and at the time time we started having problems (due to mainly, less sex due to boredom), I realized after reading a certain book that I had the exact symptoms of an emotional incest survivor (due to my depression patient mother and emotionally neglectful father). Up to this day, my mom is still bed ridden due to her depression. My dad never gave me "the talk", never once played video games with me or watched cartoons with me; he just gave me nasty looks as in how am I wasting my time doing this stuff (all the way from childhood to adulthood).
My escape was picking up women.

So we have a recipe here:
Her, a love addict + Me, a sex addict = disastrous toxic relationship.

We have worked a lot, and have gotten far, trust me. Sometimes we have even seen some of this stuff go back and think we are making progress, but it just never does fully.

Her biggest complain is she cannot leave the past behind us (which is 2 years old now). Every time we have an argument, is because of these things that happened 2 years ago. I tell her that I'm fed up (and I really am this time), and that if she really thinks that our marriage if beyond repair, then she should just get the divorce and move on, because I'm just not willing to live in a sexless marriage. She's not sick, we haven't had kids so she shouldn't be post-maternal defective, I'm in great shape, I have a successful career, and I'm attractive and funny. I'm not going to settle for a woman who has lost all energies of investing in a relationship anymore.

Your advice is welcomed now. Again thank you so much!
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