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Scapegoat of the family

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Scapegoat of the family

Postby Darktolight74 » Fri Feb 28, 2020 11:22 am

I know this forum doesn’t get a lot of activity but I can’t sleep and it helps to write these things out.

I’m the scapegoat of my family and it hurts. I’m older and not a kid but I was pretty much raised this way. I believe it’s what’s led to a lot of the shame and low self esteem I struggle with on top of the bullying I was subjected to growing up. Even though I’m not a fan of psychiatric diagnoses, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD due to all the abuse I got from family and peers. It’s difficult not to start believing the negativity and hatred you receive when it seems everyone joins in on it. It really makes you question yourself. Sometimes it seems suicide may be the only solution but I’m trying really hard to turn things around before I make that decision.

I’ve always been blamed for most of the family problems and while I’m not perfect it seems anything that goes wrong or things that are imaginary is blamed on me. Another aspect of scapegoating is when the family will lay blame on you for things they are in fact guilty of doing. For example my sister and her arrogant husband have barrowed thousands of dollars from my mother and have only paid back a small portion of it and even though I never ask for hand outs, it’s as though I’m the one who’s guilty of this. A few years ago my nephew hacked into my bank account and stole two thousand dollars, no one cared.

Due to my financial situation I had to give up my apartment and move back in with my mother. I’m trying to find my own place but in the mean time I have no choice but to stay here. Eventually my plan is to get out and cut off all contact with my family, it’s not what I want but for my own mental health it’s really the only way.

It’s hard going through this alone but I’m trying my best to maintain some sanity and rebuilding what’s left of my self esteem.
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Re: Scapegoat of the family

Postby NewSunRising » Fri Feb 28, 2020 11:11 pm

I'm sorry you're going through this . It's unfair and it's not your fault . We don't get to choose our bio-family but we do get to choose who we allow in our lives .

I hope you can find a place of your own very soon . It's encouraging that you recognize the way they are using you to deflect blame away from themselves and that you understand you are surrounded by toxic people . That's a healthy mindset and will help you cope until you can go no-contact .

Please consider therapy if that is an option . If it is not , at the moment , try to affirm to yourself that you are not the person they are making you out to be . You know yourself better than they do . You will get through this and get away from this situation .
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Re: Scapegoat of the family

Postby Darktolight74 » Sat Feb 29, 2020 1:45 pm

Thanks for the reply. I try to not believe what they say about me but scapegoating is almost a form of brainwashing, trying to convince your worthless or a horrible person.

It really is puzzling why some families choose to treat each other this way. Families are supposed to be there when no one else is and our sense of identity is often shaped by how were raised and the bond that's supposed to come from family, as is often said blood is thicker than water. That's how it should but what a betrayal it can be when family treats you like scum.

I was thinking about how it is strange that in some families no matter what they support each other even when the son or daughter ends up in prison for unspeakable crimes but in other families one minor mistake and your treated like $#%^.
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Re: Scapegoat of the family

Postby Gomba13 » Sat Aug 29, 2020 7:32 pm

I am sorry about your experience. I identify with much of it. The way you feel is normal given your experience.

There are ways out. Of course, you can’t change them, so putting space between you and them is necessary, whether you cut them off or just find ways to be away from them or even create some kind of mental fence to block them out.

For the self-esteem issue, whether you cut off your family or not, it always helps to surround yourself with people who will counteract the negativity. I know it’s not so easy, but firstly, even brief, fleeting encounters can do wonders, and secondly, the more you seek out people the better your chances of finding connections with people who will reflect a more faithful, more positive image of you. Just make sure you don’t chase them away by talking about your family and being negative, two traps someone in your state falls into easily. So socialize as much as you can. Worse comes to worst, if you need to keep your new social circle and your family separated, you can always tell new people that all your family is dead. I’ve done it. Good people will forgive that lie when the time comes if you explain why you lied.

Also, scapegoating is not like brainwashing—it is brainwashing. So be patient and kind with yourself, it is a tough stain that takes time to rub out. But also, if you keep at it, trust that it isn’t indelible.

All the best!
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