Our partner

Dependant adult child what to do?

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

Moderator: thegentlepath

Forum rules
This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Dependant adult child what to do?

Postby nzvlnr » Thu Dec 05, 2019 3:52 pm

I have a girlfriend that I have been dating for about 5 years. Her son has a degree in engineering that she paid for, from an Ivy League college. She has said to me many times that she wish he had been more aggressive with his career as he had never had a job that required a degree. He married a woman that graduated with a doctorate degree about 4 years ago. They now have 3 kids with another due in April. He is blessed with a trust fund that is being depleted. They have moved around California and finally ended up on the east coast as her family is there. He had a good job that his wife made him quit so they could move to the east coast. He has a job and works full time, it has nothing to do with his degree and makes under 55k a year and his wife is a doctor and only wants to work part time. She is currently pregnant and works 2.6 days a week. They pay her mother to watch the kids when she works. Her sisters have told her she needs to work more as she can earn the most, she will not. Since I have been around his mom has given him thousands of dollars more than likely in the 10's of thousands. I know there has been withdraws in excess of 70k ( from the trust) to pay off their credit cards each couple of years, this is in addition to whatever she has given him. I have talked to her about this and said you need to stop doing this, as it will only get worse. His mom (my girlfriend) works 60 + hours a week and makes great money. When he needs something, he just calls or says I do not know what to do. They recently needed a bigger car as the family has grown. She paid for half and the other half came out of his trust. There is now another with drawl from the TF (trust fund) to pay off the credit cards. I told her this is only going to get worse as the kids get older and you need to have a talk with the both of them. She wants to retire in 3 or 4 years.
Recently, she stopped talking to me about the financial issues until one day I turned on the PC, a social media website was open. I found out that she has been giving him 1k a month since July 2019, from what I have been told, this is to cover the money they pay her mother to watch the kids. In the chat, he was venting to her about his financial woes and she offered the monthly stipend, he said you do not have to do that, but took it. He then said he wanted to send his oldest to martial arts to build his confidence (5 years old) and asked if she would pay for it. If she could not he said I will ask his aunt (their side of the family). She was shocked, but they have been funding his life for some time now, with airline miles or moving expenses, cash...etc...etc. I told her I read the exchange on social media and was sorry to have read it. I told her it makes me feel bad, as I have no bad feelings toward her son, I just think you need to let them grow as a family and quit funding it! His wife needs to work full time and all of their problems could be resolved. She makes six figures working 2.6 days a week now, if she picks up another 1.2 days their financial problems would be solved. She said she does not want a confrontation, so I told her to tell him she cannot afford this anymore and she will be retiring soon. She somewhat agreed, but said she does not want to see her grand children suffer. I said you would cause the family to pull together and get her to work full time...that is it. Those kids will never suffer.
She has vented to me before that she feels like a paycheck. I said what happens when that trust runs out? They do not come out for the holidays unless she pays for their flights. We go on vacation and she offers to fly them out and cover it. They never do so. They stay on the east coast and only vacation with her side of the family.
I am leaving out allot of details to all of this, but the just of this post is. What can she do without being confrontational and to get her son to stop asking for money or to stop having kids you cannot afford. They are all under five. What is the best course of action?
nzvlnr
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2019 9:18 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 4:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Dependant adult child what to do?

Postby realityhere » Sat Dec 07, 2019 9:09 pm

Since she already resents feeling like an ATM machine, has your gf considered discussing this issue with a family counselor? She's not doing her grown son any favors really, in that he's not learning to take financial responsibility for himself and his family. What will he do if the trust fund is gone and his mother has passed? Something for her to think about. A professional counselor with an outsider's objective point of view and knowledge of family dynamics can help guide her on how to handle the touchy issue of money with her son.
realityhere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2637
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 5:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dependant adult child what to do?

Postby nzvlnr » Mon Dec 09, 2019 4:33 pm

I have not suggested that and I do not think she would be to receptive to the suggestion. When I discuss that with her ( when the trust is depleted) and she says , "Well he is going to get all of mine any way so why not now." But then she will vent and be frustrated .....I say as long as you keep giving, it will never stop. Until you say , no more! Her son is a good guy, just needs to get his wife working as he made sacrifices so she could get her degree and move back home to NY ( which the move was paid for as well)...
nzvlnr
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2019 9:18 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 4:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dependant adult child what to do?

Postby realityhere » Mon Dec 09, 2019 10:09 pm

It will not hurt to suggest a family counselor to her. At least you will have tried. The suggestion may be rebuffed at first, but it's possible it will sink in as an option to explore later.

Has she thought about some of her money could go to financing her grandchildren's college educations or business endeavors when they reach 18? This takes a long-term financial strategy, as such funds can earn interest or investment profit over time before the grandchildren reach adult age. This would somehow reduce some of her money going to her son and it would count for something, her legacy, if you will.

Her son and his wife have chosen their lifestyle to fit their family, so any amount of talking about getting her son to "make" his wife work extra hours may not be productive. The wife may feel it's the time to have the children while she is still young enough and able to raise them, and may want to be more hands-on mother while the children are still young. When the kids are older and in school, it's possible she may take on more hours to work outside of home.
realityhere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2637
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 5:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dependant adult child what to do?

Postby nzvlnr » Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:32 pm

I wish a counselor was that simple:
1) The son does not see a problem with helping his family through this tough spot. Unfortunately the tough spot does not end, the spot just changes.
2) She does not want a confrontation with them as she loves them and does not want to be dismissed. She feels that may happen if she says something. The wife has already uprooted the family and moved them over 3 k miles away.
3) The college savings accounts are already in the works.

I suggested that she talks to them and let them know that she cannot afford this anymore and to not ask their aunt for anymore money as she has done allot already. This would not be confrontational but get the point across.
That is the problem, her son has chosen his life with this woman and she just views the financial situation as...just make the call and pull money out of your trust or call your mom...that's it. I am just looking for a way to get them to make a family change. Quit asking for money and get the one who can earn the high wage to work. Lets say she wants to spend more time with the children. How do you do that without having someone who can earn a living wage in the family? With four mouths to feed. Keep his mom working 60 hours a week to pay for them..while she works a couple days a week?? That is not fair and she feels that way...or at least she tells me that...
I think a counselor would turn this into a confrontation. Its like if you had a glass of wine every night, then someone said you may want to attend AA meetings for your wine abuse. You dont feel like it is abuse and would be offended by someone suggesting you talk to a counselor. Her son is a frugal guy, but there is some feeling of entitlement on his part as well to think he can just ask for money and his mom wont do it he can go to her sister??
From what we talk about she would like it to stop, just does not know how to stop it, as she says " I dont want those kids to suffer or I dont want to not help my only son" . I say .....those kids will never suffer ...and you have given your son all of the tools in his life he needs, you just need to push him out of the nest to open the tool chest. Just stand up and tell them to take adult action to end their financial woes. If you will not, then you will be funding their life for the years to come as four kids is only going to cost more as they age.
nzvlnr
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2019 9:18 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 4:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dependant adult child what to do?

Postby realityhere » Wed Dec 11, 2019 2:23 am

I still think that an experienced family counselor can be of immense help. For several reasons here:

(1.) Can provide outsider, objective point of view that your gf may appreciate. Not that you haven't tried to help, you have, but she may view your help as "interference" with her affairs and not allowing her to make independent decisions. Plus you're not objective yourself, being involved in a relationship with her and having your own subjective views of what should happen and having certain prejudices about who should be doing "more". This money issue, after all, really has nothing to do with you in general.

(2.) Can help your gf weigh consequences of different solutions in dealing with the money issue concerning her son and his wife. An experienced family counselor or therapist can develop several pros vs cons scenarios with your gf's situation, so that she can understand what her options are.

(3.) Grandchildren are the pawns in this volatile mix. The money issue is possibly a form of blackmail against a grandparent if she doesn't follow thru with the dough. This is a matter that needs to be treated with kid gloves unfortunately and a professional counselor can help your gf see the situation for what it is and learn how to deal with veiled requests for money, especially when her son's requests are on "behalf" of his children.
realityhere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2637
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 5:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dependant adult child what to do?

Postby nzvlnr » Thu Dec 12, 2019 6:41 pm

Why do I not think a counselor would ever take place?
She is on the fence and does not see a problem (at times) with giving him money or whatever he needs, when he asks. The problem does come up when she gets mad about his wife not working and her having to subsidize their life because of that. She then is mad/disappointed that she spent a fortune on his education and he has done nothing with it, but is working full time...just not at his potential...
In order for her to weigh the consequences, she would have to want advice. Currently she talks to her sister and her sister feels like she should do whatever it takes. Here is an example: They moved to NY under his wife;s desire. They came to a point when her mom was going on vacation so they needed someone to watch the kids in NY ( we are in California) so he picked up the phone and said. " Can you watch the kids for us in a couple months?" This means she needs to fly out, take time off of work to baby sit....BABYSIT. I thought that was ludicrous and she was pissed as well ( at the moment)...but she talked to her sister and her sister told her she should do it. They are her grand kids and should take the time to spend with them. She did, she took the time off and babysat the kids for some time each day. She did their laundry..cleaned their house. When she came back she complained to me about how the wife doesn't do much, stays glued to her smart phone....She even did shopping for them while his wife gave her a list....
I did ask her is she felt guilty that when she raised her son up that they didn't have much, she said no. She is very successful now and money is not a problem. Bu she always gets disappointed with the way they live...asking for money and burning through a trust...
I cannot ask her to see a counselor if she thinks this will be in check and this is for the short term ....That is not the case, this has been going on for years...I truly believe if I said "counselor" that would be offensive to her. She believes the monthly stipend is going to stop and if not she will talk to them. But another kids is going to arrive in April and that will be more money. So there is a sense of denial.
Maybe I should just go back to being left out as our conversations are futile. I think my answer is the wrong solution in her eyes and this will continue to happen aeven when she complains to me about it.....
nzvlnr
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2019 9:18 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 4:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dependant adult child what to do?

Postby realityhere » Fri Dec 13, 2019 12:16 am

Grandma may be in denial, but she also doesn't know how to say "NO" to some outrageous requests. Which is why a counselor can help.

If it were me, I would bring up the counseling suggestion just once when she is in a particular vein over the money issue regarding her son and wife, and then.zip.it. It's up to her to want to make a change on that money issue and only 'til then. I'd stay quiet after that, no more talking myself blue in the face. But that's just me.
realityhere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2637
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 5:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dependant adult child what to do?

Postby nzvlnr » Fri Dec 13, 2019 3:48 pm

No, agreed. Really none of my business. Until she asks it to be, which will never come. I posted this for more piece of mind as I was feeling like my way of dealing with it was wrong.
I told her nothing is going to change with their habits as long as the faucet continues to flow, it is just human nature, nothing personal. But someone who can just make a call and get a car, or money for whatever they need...this will not change...
nzvlnr
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2019 9:18 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 4:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests