Our partner

Called Mom after 3 years not talking. *mod edit*

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

Moderator: thegentlepath

Forum rules
This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Called Mom after 3 years not talking. *mod edit*

Postby RNails » Thu Nov 14, 2019 10:37 pm

A little background:
Parents got divorced when I was 3. Mom had primary custody so I lived with her and stepdad. Mom was hateful, abusive, and a religious fanatic. Abuse was mostly verbal but sometimes physical. She would usually sic the stepdad on us for the physical part.

My 2 sisters haven't spoken to her in 5 years. About 3 years ago I confronted Mom about our past and she offered a somewhat fake apology. I was OK with that and decided to just move forward and forgive her. I had made a decision not to bring up the past again and to let it go. We talked for a few more weeks but it was very awkward and I knew something wasn't right. Then out of the blue she brought up the topic, denied any abuse, and said I was brainwashed by my father into not liking her. We had a falling out and haven't spoken in 3 years.

I'm trying to be a mature adult and wanted to see if we could communicate and rebuild our relationship so I decided to wish her a Happy Birthday and call.

*mod edit*

At this point I don't know if I should ever talk to her again. I don't feel like I can have an adult conversation with her and based on the two weeks we talked before after she apologized it just wasn't right between us. After she "knew how I feel" about her it's like I relationship wasn't the same. It's almost like she wants me to admit that I was brainwashed and that there was no abuse for us to have a good relationship moving forward. But I refuse to do that because I feel like if I did do that I would be betraying my inner child and it would break me. I just can't do that. What are your thoughts?
Last edited by Snaga on Fri Nov 15, 2019 9:16 am, edited 3 times in total.
Reason: No personal recordings of oneself or others, please!
RNails
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:54 am
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 8:22 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Called Mom after 3 years not talking. *mod edit*

Postby xdude » Fri Nov 15, 2019 3:21 pm

Hey RNails,

It's tough when it comes to a parent. An abusive chosen romantic partner it's easier to go NC with, but with family I think it is normal want to try and have some sort of relationship (even if they have been abusive, it's a primal want/need to speak to our parents).

On a personal level I think take care of yourself first. Maybe some therapy if possible. Perhaps later you can reach a point where you can speak to her again, perhaps not. You may have to reach a point of not caring either way before you can feel comfortable retrying.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 8662
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 8:22 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Called Mom after 3 years not talking. *mod edit*

Postby RNails » Sat Nov 16, 2019 4:07 am

xdude wrote:Hey RNails,

It's tough when it comes to a parent. An abusive chosen romantic partner it's easier to go NC with, but with family I think it is normal want to try and have some sort of relationship (even if they have been abusive, it's a primal want/need to speak to our parents).

On a personal level I think take care of yourself first. Maybe some therapy if possible. Perhaps later you can reach a point where you can speak to her again, perhaps not. You may have to reach a point of not caring either way before you can feel comfortable retrying.


I am open to communicating with her and I thought we had moved past it the first time but she brought it up again and talked about my dad brainwashing me. I feel like if I don't defend my position then I am not staying true to who I should be for myself. It's almost like to have a good relationship with her I can't feel the way I do and have to admit that my feelings aren't justified.

-- Fri Nov 15, 2019 11:10 pm --

Actually mod can just delete this post. If they delete the phone call then no context to discuss.
RNails
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:54 am
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 8:22 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Called Mom after 3 years not talking. *mod edit*

Postby xdude » Sat Nov 16, 2019 6:23 am

We don't have the power to delete phone calls, and we don't delete posts.

Understood, it is hard to figure out. Been there too. Tons of pain to go through. Do you have anyone that can support you? A therapist is useful because they just listen. A friend or someone neutral?
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 8662
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 8:22 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Called Mom after 3 years not talking. *mod edit*

Postby realityhere » Sun Nov 17, 2019 6:41 am

@RNails,

"You may have to reach a point of not caring either way before you can feel comfortable retrying."

I think this is so true. I know this may seem a contradiction to what you're experiencing at the moment. Right now you're going thru the opposites of emotions and thoughts regarding your mom and your past experiences with her. I don't know what it will take to get past the point of 'not caring' before trying again. Maybe it will take extensive therapy, life experiences, other traumas, or Gawd-knows-what, to reach that point, maybe never. I wish you the best.
realityhere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2637
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 6:22 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Called Mom after 3 years not talking. *mod edit*

Postby RNails » Mon Nov 18, 2019 3:28 pm

xdude wrote:We don't have the power to delete phone calls, and we don't delete posts.

Understood, it is hard to figure out. Been there too. Tons of pain to go through. Do you have anyone that can support you? A therapist is useful because they just listen. A friend or someone neutral?


Someone deleted the link to the audio file so what I was saying is that without listening to the call it's hard to know the details. Without the details it would be hard for anyone give advice about the situation.

realityhere wrote:@RNails,

"You may have to reach a point of not caring either way before you can feel comfortable retrying."



I feel like I am to the point of not caring. We didn't talk for 3 years and it didn't really bother me at all. I have been more successful in life so I know it didn't have a negative affect on me. To be honest I have a best friend that is addicted to drugs and killed a pregnant mother in a car crash while on painkillers. Him and I don't speak anymore and I miss him more than my mom.
I really just pity my Mom and want to be open to communicating if she really does miss her children and care about us. If she has a real mental disorder I just don't want to abandon her if there is still hope of her getting help. I just want to make sure that me not talking to her is a 100% logical decision and not an emotional decision based on resentment and hard feelings from the past. The last letter I sent her had a lot of emotion in it and I was sort of venting. It's natural that she would be defensive. I feel like I'm to the point where I can writer her without all the emotion and I'd like to see what her response is.
RNails
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:54 am
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 8:22 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Called Mom after 3 years not talking. *mod edit*

Postby xdude » Wed Nov 20, 2019 7:15 pm

RNails,

We don't delete phone calls specifically, but we do delete links to information that might reveals someone's personal identity. This is for your benefit too, so that your identity does not slip out. We don't delete posts, but we may remove a few details such as overly explicit names, addresses, phone #s, email addresses, ages, messaging records and txts that might dox someone else or the poster etc. All of that is about preserving your anonymous state.

It's not entirely definable line or 'perfect' system, but the goal is that you, and others in your real life can remain anonymous while posting about what is on your mind (to a degree, more on that below).

Much of what people write about here is difficult topics, but even if we had examined that audio recording in details, the other people here might have not seen as you did.

We are not therapists though, and if you want to get into more detail, that is for a therapist or a trusted friend to do.

We do NOT delete posts, but do require you keep posts anonymous as possible. Sorry that life is not as simple as absolute rules about what that is, but it is for your sake too that your link to the voice recording was deleted.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 8662
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 02, 2020 8:22 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests