Our partner

Mask was kept for 18 years, how?

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

Moderator: xdude

Forum rules
This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Mask was kept for 18 years, how?

Postby NPDwidow » Tue Nov 05, 2019 11:31 pm

SO, I've been into this madness that I had no idea existed for the last 2.5 years. The toll it is taking on me is so much that, although I can't get out of this world because I have kids, I haven't been to the doctor for a check-up in 3 years because just in case I have something, I don't wanna treat it and just wanna die naturally.
My husband of 12 years is a Covert Narc. We have been together for a total of 18 years, all of those of pure joy and mutual adoration. The only thing was: he lied: first about his age, because I was older and if he told the truth I would not be with him, then about his job, because if he told ME I wouldn't be with him, then about his trips, because if he told ME I would make him guilty and I would also not support him. He lied to protect himself from me. Also, because he loved ME so much that he couldn't bear losing me. I was his girl, his trophy, the most beautiful, amazing, funny, intelligent woman in the world....until one day because I criticize the way he handled something at work (high power executive), it all changed....the whole devaluing phase lasted less than 6 months. But the number of trips was probably used for affairs (never heard about anything btw, only that he adored me) and to distance himself and loose attachment to "his girls" me, a 2, 4 and 8-year-olds. He sabotaged the relationship to make me say the words: maybe we should divorce....you know when you say it in a fight? and he said YES! And that was it. Little by little the abuse started, "you're nothing to me", "there is nothing you can do to make me come back", " That's how much you're unbearable: I love my kids so much but I chose to live far from them because you are the worst". After hearing this, I took a lot of Xanax and thought that he would wake up and see what he was doing. I just wanted to get out of there, of this Twilight Zone. DIdn't happen, no empathy. Since then, his family of enablers and friends shunned me completely. I probably lost 95% of my social circle. I am raising the girls by myself. I am (people say) extremely attractive, speak 4 languages, best mom ever, etc etc etc. The more they say now, the worst I feel because I see how much lack of control I have in this situation. He decided my life and my world collapse. I've been stuck in this for this time and Although I know it's an impossible situation, I just want out! I live just because of my kids and because of my denial that he WILL ask me back one day, and he will get better. It's so weird because I donn't even like or love that person, quite the contrary, but I love my deceased husband. I cannot fathom the idea that he never existed, and all my life was based on lies. BUt my question is, how can someone keep the good guy facade for so long?
NPDwidow
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Nov 05, 2019 10:20 pm
Local time: Thu Nov 14, 2019 10:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Mask was kept for 18 years, how?

Postby NPDwidow » Fri Nov 08, 2019 9:36 pm

It was my birthday last week and I realized nothing in my life has changed since he left me....
NPDwidow
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Nov 05, 2019 10:20 pm
Local time: Thu Nov 14, 2019 10:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Mask was kept for 18 years, how?

Postby realityhere » Sat Nov 09, 2019 9:16 pm

Instead of focusing on your husband, focus on YOU and why you were attracted to him. An intimate relationship with a personality disordered person has a symbiotic quality to it. You were likely attracted to him due to the way you were brought up in childhood and to parental dynamics. And likewise he was attracted to you due to the way he was brought up in childhood and to his parental dynamics. It goes farther back than ppl would like to admit, but that family history of relationship dynamics has a connection to the way you interact in intimate relationships. Is it possible to see a therapist for just you? A professional can be of immense help for you to understand this difficult relationship.

"how can someone keep the good guy facade for so long?"

Because that was how he perceived his self-image, the good guy. And you mirrored that self-image back to him for some 18 years, until you criticized that very self-image one day. The mask fell off, and he is putting you thru a brutal discard, making you the "bad guy".

"I am (people say) extremely attractive, speak 4 languages, best mom ever, etc etc etc. The more they say now, the worst I feel because I see how much lack of control I have in this situation."

Actually you do have the power to become yourself, for once.
We don't delete posts, so think twice before clicking "submit".
realityhere
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 2531
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Thu Nov 14, 2019 7:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Mask was kept for 18 years, how?

Postby NPDwidow » Sun Nov 10, 2019 7:08 pm

Thanks. I actually remember the exact moment and what I said that changed things. It was in my view nothing that bad, but I just saw in his eyes.
NPDwidow
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Nov 05, 2019 10:20 pm
Local time: Thu Nov 14, 2019 10:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Mask was kept for 18 years, how?

Postby xdude » Mon Nov 11, 2019 11:10 am

Hey NPDwidow,

It seems it's normal to want to understand what is going on in their heads/hearts, to make sense of what happened. But I also agree with realityhere, the way out of the torment is to make that 90 degree shift in thinking. It is not easy to do, and it might leave you worse off for a while (which is why you need support from friends, family, a therapist, etc.), but that switch in focus from what is wrong with your ex to what attracted you, why did you hang in there, what were you hoping would happen, etc., is the way to break free from the fog and get your life back again.

The irony there is once you do get your life back again, you'll then be able to see those answers you are looking for now (what is going on with him?), clearly, and objectively.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Site Admin
 
Posts: 8446
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Thu Nov 14, 2019 9:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 18 guests