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help for a narc victim

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help for a narc victim

Postby dfend » Mon Nov 04, 2019 3:57 am

Hi, brand new here, and brand new to this NPD phenomenon... id like to share my story because sometimes i feel like i have played a bigger part in this than i have...

I met this girl 4 years ago. after online dating for a while, and being constantly disappointed, i was ready to give up, then i met cheryl. she was beautiful and successful. we hit it off, like really hit it off. we continued to date and i fell in love, so did she she says. things were great for maybe 5 weeks then something really messed up happened. she had a 'girls night out' with a few of her 'friends' (turns out they were not really good friends at all), and she invited me to join them at a little live music bar that we both really loved. i met her there a little later in the eve. all the girls were feeling no pain, and really friendly, knowing that cheryl and i were a fairly new couple. cheryl had mentioned that 'if i played my cards right, i would get to enjoy her AND one of her friends that night'. keep in mind that im not really that kind of guy, one woman is enough for me, always has been, and i have never experienced this before, but was game to explore if it was something she wanted. well, long story short, she ended up making out with her best friend there that night in front of me. i was not sure how i felt about this, but i was a little uncomfortable. we ended up back at the friends place (lets call her 'kim'), and they seduced me to bed with them both. after cheryl and i were finished, she rolled off me and said to kim, and i quote, 'you can have him now'. cheryl went to the bathroom, nothing really happened between me and kim, and i was at this point a little confused at cheryls callouseness... this is not the person i thought she was. when she got back from the bathroom, she mentioned that this was a big test, and that i had failed; her previous boyfriend had passed.her and kim then got up and started watching music videos... they were embracing eachother like lovers, giggling, smiling, swaying back and forth, while i was laying in bed feeling like i got hit by a truck. it was surreal; this was NOT the woman i thought she was... my mind was reeling and i was heartbroken... i watched them embraced and smiling, so happy with eachother and she had just basiclly thrown me away. i got out of bed, got dressed, and left. they were not even 10 feet away from me but were so enraptured with eachother that they didnt even notice that i left. i went home, crying my eyes out, and cried myself to sleep... i just had my heart ripped out. my phone had died, and i woke up maybe 4 hours later to bangs at my door. it was cheryl, she was bawling her eyes out, asking why i had abandoned her, saying she was calling me and i didnt answer (phone died) and she had cabbed to my place a few hours before when she realized i had left. she was sick with worry, and again, felt abandoned and how dare i, etc. once i charged my phone, one of her messages said that she was about to key my brand new truck for running out on her but decided not to. you can imagine how confused i was... this woman had just thrown me aside yet here she was at my doorstep crying that i had left her. well, i felt sorry for her. long story short, i took her back and we have had a 4 year relationship with maybe 8 breakups... all by me... because i would reach a point wher i could not handle her abuse, but she would always win me back. she would say that she has changed (but she almost never admitted fault), she would say that we are soul mates, she would claim that she was one of the most eligable and sought after women in the city and could have anyone (yup, she actually said and believes this), and i fell for it. every time. well, now we have a child together. through therapy i have learned about NPD and BPD (i honstly dont know which she is, i feel like its both), and she is making my life hell.she is the biggest regret of my life, and if this kid is mine (she swears it is but i have learned that she is a constant liar and now i dont trust her at all), i am going to have a long hard battle. she has already denied me access (i havent seen him in 2 weeks) and wont let me do a swab for paternity. i have to drag her to court for this. i guess i just want to tell my story to others (BTW, this is a FRACTION of the horrible things she has said and done) and look for support and strategies to deal with this maniac. part of me feels so stupid for not cutting her loose years ago, but i try not to be too hard on myself. we all (normal people imean) are seeking love, and these POS's are master manipulators and take advantage of that fact... i was played, but damn it, i should have known better! any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated...
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Re: help for a narc victim

Postby xdude » Tue Nov 12, 2019 12:55 pm

Hey dfend,

I don't have any great advice because you already know everything that you need to know.

Maybe it's time to just be kind to yourself? You are certainly not alone in what you've gone through, and why you've hung in as long as you have hoping it would somehow end up right. If she really has that extreme personality, yea, it's not going to change. No doubt you've tried, but as others learn too, nothing works unless she makes the choice to change. Odds are nothing you say or do will cause that to happen. Who knows why she might? Some kind of epiphany is required and nobody can predict what they will be if ever.

No doubt you are a good person trying to see the best in her. The only thing I can suggest is try to see the best in you if possible. A question someone asked me that I found helpful. "If this goes on for 1 more year, 5 more years, 10, where do you see yourself if nothing changes?" Perhaps that question can help you to make the hard decisions you know you need to make.
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