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BPD friend advice

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BPD friend advice

Postby samson671 » Tue Oct 08, 2019 4:24 pm

Looking for some advice/a space to vent more than anything.

Last year my friend got diagnosed with BPD. It didn’t really come as a surprise. At first she was drastically improving with treatment and doing well. However earlier this year her treatment stopped, and she went into crisis mode, eventually being admitted into psychiatric care after threats of suicide.

Since then, it has been challenging to be in her life. While she was in care she was constantly messaging me while I’m at work about how she’s going to hurt herself etc etc, mostly because of a break up she isn’t over (happened 1+ years ago).

It took it’s toll on me, but since then a mutual friend shared screenshots of messages my friend sent to her ex partner shorty before she was admitted into care. It was along the lines of ‘if you don’t talk to me I’m going to try and kill myself’. Long story short, it basically seems like the whole hospital stay was an attention seeking endeavour because the ex cut the final threads of contact. Needless to say I was upset due to the stress this has put on me and other friends.

Since then, friend has been insufferable. Out of hospital now, but showing zero signs of improvement. A few friends got together to try and communicate to her that she should move on with her life, forget about the ex (she constantly says things like she wants ‘revenge’ on the ex for them leaving her). During this meeting she brought up a painful memory for me (something personal) which upset me. She showed zero remorse for upsetting me, and when our friends tried to get her to see I was upset by her comments, sarcastically said "oh yeah it’s all about Samson76, never mind the fact Im upset and suicidal"

After that I told her I wasn’t interested in hanging out with her anymore, that I needed some space and would be ready to talk again when she started to get treatment. She took this AWFULLY and sent me barrages of messages abusing me and calling me an awful person, told me that she would kill herself if her friends weren’t there. Since then she’s dropped in and out of my life and it always ends the same.

I tried to reach out after a month NC and invite her to my birthday party. On the day of the party (5 mins before it was due to start) she text me asking me where the party was, then when I told her (she already knew this information) she told me that I’d picked a venue too far for her and she wouldn’t make it, and she would take me out for dinner next week instead.

I told her I wasn’t free for dinner and she blew up at me and told me again that I was a bad friend, she was trying to do something nice and take me out for my birthday and how dare I treat her like this. I told her she’d upset me by bailing on my party on the day, that I was with my friends right now and I didn’t want her to message me. I told her She’d upset me by ignoring my boundaries when I said I didn’t want her to message me, and she verbally attacked me via text, she blew up my phone for 2-3 hours.

NC for three months. I broke NC to reach out and see how she was, and we made plans to meet 3 weeks from the day. She also said she’d call me that weekend. She didn’t call, and I didn’t hear anything from her. The day came, and I reached out and just said, hey, guess you were busy today but I’m next free in a month’s time (I’m going on holiday for 2 weeks). She sent me an essay saying how I should have got in touch, she’d been looking forward to seeing me and disappointed I didn’t see her today. I said I was free next month. She asked to see me sooner. I again stated my boundary. She asked to call me. I said I was busy, but could call at the weekend. She asked to call me tomorrow, and I had to repeat 3 times I was busy but could call her on the weekend. Again, she blew up my phone and called me a bad friend, that I’m pushing her away when she’s trying to reconnect, that I was flaunting my busy schedule and my relationship in her face (I told her I couldn’t speak on the phone because I was on a date night with my SO), that she can’t trust me, that I’m a liar, that she’s going to kill herself. Every time I tell her she’s upset me, she calls me selfish and that I’m making the situation all about myself and my feelings.

I’m so tired. I’m afraid to go full NC but every time I try and establish boundaries they get pushed, and if I try and stay firm with them I get bombarded with abusive messages until I crack and get angry back. It feels so toxic but it’s impossible to communicate that this behaviour is upsetting me without her getting defensive and attacking me. Has anyone dealt with anything. The friendship never used to be this bad, but I’ve never been so firm with my boundaries before. She's now said she needs to go NC with me - after sending me a huge long messages of all the ways I've failed her as a friend. I know it's what she wants but I can't help but let the things she said get to me.
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Re: BPD friend advice

Postby xdude » Fri Oct 11, 2019 1:53 pm

Hey samson671,

samson671 wrote:...It was along the lines of ‘if you don’t talk to me I’m going to try and kill myself’. Long story short, it basically seems like the whole hospital stay was an attention seeking endeavour because the ex cut the final threads of contact. Needless to say I was upset due to the stress this has put on me and other friends.

Yes, unfortunately there have been several posts here from others who have had to go through the same. I have personal experience with this as well.

It really is a losing move on the part of the person with BPD in terms of outcome, because after that, everyone else involved is left in a state of I can no longer trust the person with BPD. Between the guilt of 'did I do something wrong, or should I have done something better?', and that it might happen again, that leaves you in a position of there is nothing much else to be said going forward. Some call this walking on egg shells, something you were probably doing before, but now it's amplified.

I think it's tempting to try to figure out her reasons. Attention? Depression? Manipulation? Other reasons? In the end though no matter her reasons, you end up in the same place, walking on egg shells for a long time if not forever.

Not sure if it helps any, but if you were having a reasonable (aka not violent or intimidating) discussion with someone and they pulled a weapon on you, no matter what their reasons, you'd likely still end up in the same place. I can never trust them again not to do that again, so that's the end of all future discussions with them, or at least discussions of any substance.
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