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Narcissitic mother hits out beyond the grave

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Narcissitic mother hits out beyond the grave

Postby pjw8 » Thu Sep 26, 2019 11:12 am

It doesn't seem possible that even now that she has passed, I found out a secret about her that hurts. Yesterday my sister told me a secret my mother told her 50 years ago. She said her son in law, my (ex) husband had made a pass at her. This is completely ridiculous. In fact, I saw her flirt with him. She has flirted with the boyfriends of my sister. She has a history of that. She was jealous of her daugthers when they were younger, and tried to compete with them. Finding out that she tried to blame my ex husband, and my sister believed her, and kept the secret from me, is disgusting. First of all, my sister was 13 when she was told this allegation. She made my sister while very young be a confidente of her sex life. It made my sister disgusted, and she did try to commit suicide, by taking pills at that young age. Yet my sister is very loyal and even when she told me the secret, at age 62, she lifted her eyes to the sky and asked my dead mother for forgiveness. That's the hold that my mother has over both my sisters. I was different. I left the country, and didn't return until last year, a year after my mother had passed. I don't know why this is making me feel so depressed, that even now, after all these years, that my mother's malevolence and self obsession still affects me so much.
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Re: Narcissitic mother hits out beyond the grave

Postby xdude » Fri Sep 27, 2019 1:41 am

Hey pjw8,

I can only throw out some thoughts -

Children of cluster B parents can be deeply hurt, but it's not just that, it's that the parents don't see or want to see the damage left behind.

pjw8 wrote:...She made my sister while very young be a confidente of her sex life. It made my sister disgusted, and she did try to commit suicide, by taking pills at that young age. ...


This is one of the things cluster B parents do, way over step the boundaries of their children, put them in positions to have to deal with their adult parent's issues.

I realize not everyone can afford it, but do you have a therapist you can speak with? I know it sounds like a canned answer, but a good emotionally objective therapist really can help a lot.
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Re: Narcissitic mother hits out beyond the grave

Postby pjw8 » Fri Sep 27, 2019 8:42 am

Thanks XDude for your reply. Yes I should go to see a therapist, just for a few weeks, to air all this out again. I thought I had it all under control, until I found out about this secret, and now I've been re-triggered.
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Re: Narcissitic mother hits out beyond the grave

Postby pjw8 » Fri Sep 27, 2019 8:43 am

Xdude, I will look this up too, but what in your view is a Cluster B parent?
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Re: Narcissitic mother hits out beyond the grave

Postby xdude » Fri Sep 27, 2019 12:07 pm

pjw8 wrote:Xdude, I will look this up too, but what in your view is a Cluster B parent?


It's just a label, you can find it via google, but it essentially covers the personality types that have erratic and extreme displays of emotion. Extreme narcissism is covered under that label.

The main thing is children of parents with disorders like extreme narcissism tend to end up going through a lot of turmoil too. Some use the words pathological narcissism, either way, some narcissism is healthy, but the extreme versions have a way of harming self and others.

pjw8 wrote:I thought I had it all under control, until I found out about this secret, and now I've been re-triggered.


Yea and no shame in this. It might be a life long struggle, being re-triggered now and then. A therapist might not be able to help you stop that, but at least (hopefully) could allow you to come to some peace with it.

Hopefully you have heard this before - it is not your fault mom was an extreme narcissist. It's okay that it has impacted you and it's still haunting you.
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Re: Narcissitic mother hits out beyond the grave

Postby pjw8 » Sat Sep 28, 2019 6:33 am

' It might be a life long struggle, being re-triggered now and then."
This is actually helpful Xdude, to realize that being retriggered will happen from time to time, and no shame in that.
That there isn't going to be a long term fix.
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Re: Narcissitic mother hits out beyond the grave

Postby xdude » Thu Oct 03, 2019 5:54 am

pjw8 wrote:' It might be a life long struggle, being re-triggered now and then."
This is actually helpful Xdude, to realize that being retriggered will happen from time to time, and no shame in that.
That there isn't going to be a long term fix.


Definitely no shame in that, and that is something a therapist can help with reinforcing. Getting triggered less often is also a worthwhile pursuit. It may never become 0, but less often is still better then whatever frequency you are struggling with now.

Sometimes half our problem is the pressure we put on ourselves.
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Re: Narcissitic mother hits out beyond the grave

Postby DaysAWeek » Mon Oct 07, 2019 10:05 pm

Hey pjw8. Let me first say how deeply sorry I am that you’re still being affected by your mothers wrong doings. My mother who has now passed on was also narcissistic, the damage she inflicted on me lives on however.

If it’s in the cards for you, I would seek out a therapist. Kids of narcissists are often left with a lot of damage.
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