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Advice Appreciated

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Advice Appreciated

Postby Girlx » Mon Sep 16, 2019 2:45 am

I was dating a man for about two years that is untreated bipolar. I love him very much, never felt this way before in my life and I am no spring chicken. When we first got together he was drinking, but has been sober for almost a year. We never had fights about anything real. He would just have episodes saying things he later regretted. He would break up with me, apologize and I would go back to him. Longest had been two months last year. We have been broken up for 4 months now. He had been messaging me but never really apologized. I ignored it at first, but his mother died so I began to respond. He said he didn't mean to break up with me, still loved me, etc. I said I missed him too but he then made some comment that I was over him so that was what was important and what I had to hold on to. I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him and we were supposed to get together. I got a text lashing out at me instead, followed by a good night text a couple days later. That was 6 weeks ago and I blocked him. It is easy for people to say get over it, move on, meet someone else. I tried but he is just what my heart wants. I do love him and am willing to work on things. I embrace him for all that he is illness and all. How do I get him back? Do I wait for him to come to me? I truly believe he thinks he is doing me a favor by the breakup to spare me the drama and heartache. I just don't understand why we can't be together when we both love each other and nothing happened. Thanks.
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Re: Advice Appreciated

Postby xdude » Mon Sep 16, 2019 5:14 pm

Hey Girlx,

Just what came to mind, he might be feeling shame for his behavior. Sometimes shame is at the root of what causes people to push others away. You may have to be the one to reach out with an olive branch.

I also wanted to throw out one more controversial, but related thought.

I think many guys are in this new social position now where we don't know what the rules are anymore. To put into stark terms, if he reaches out, does that make him a stalker? That may seem a bit extreme, but there is real confusion at play for many males. See the social rules are changing fast, and guys are very confused by it, and if boundaries are over stepped, they fear real consequences. Yet another reason, you may have to be the one now to reopen the doors. I understand why you would prefer he made the next move, but there really are good reasons men are retreating from their previous roles, including the role of peace maker. I hope you take that as it is meant :)
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Re: Advice Appreciated

Postby Girlx » Mon Sep 16, 2019 10:04 pm

Thanks xdude:

He said he broke up with me because he was tired of being mean to me and not giving me the love I deserved, so yes, that is spot on.

He can be quite paranoid but I don't think the stalker theory applies, though it is food for thought. Last time we were broken up for a length of time he emailed me at work. I just wanted to give him his space, let him live without me a while and come to the conclusion he wanted me back in his life in his own time. I didn't want to pressure him which it seemed like maybe I was doing by asking him to get together which is why he lashed out? I am just afraid he has convinced himself I am better off without him. I am miserable without him. My friends don't get it and are sick of hearing it.
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Re: Advice Appreciated

Postby xdude » Tue Sep 17, 2019 2:55 am

Girlx wrote:He can be quite paranoid but I don't think the stalker theory applies, though it is food for thought.



Hey Girlx I didn't mean to imply he is a stalker, because if I asked you to define what is a stalker?

What is your definition?

I meant that any woman can go to the police and go he is a stalker and because there is no definition he might be reasonably avoiding you now that you blocked him.

What is the definition of a stalker?

In the end if the boundaries go too far he is going to jail and you won't. That may be why he disappeared.

Sorry just the real truth.
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Re: Advice Appreciated

Postby xdude » Tue Sep 17, 2019 3:02 am

Sorry girlx but no means no, and you blocked him so no means NO, and that is the end?
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Re: Advice Appreciated

Postby ViniStonemoss » Tue Sep 17, 2019 10:09 pm

Girlx wrote: We never had fights about anything real. He would just have episodes saying things he later regretted. He would break up with me, apologize and I would go back to him. Longest had been two months last year. We have been broken up for 4 months now. He had been messaging me but never really apologized. I ignored it at first, but his mother died so I began to respond. He said he didn't mean to break up with me, still loved me, etc. I said I missed him too but he then made some comment that I was over him so that was what was important and what I had to hold on to. I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him and we were supposed to get together. I got a text lashing out at me instead, followed by a good night text a couple days later. That was 6 weeks ago and I blocked him. It is easy for people to say get over it, move on, meet someone else.


He seems self-focused. Dangling a carrot of love in front of you to keep you attentive. He is just playing with you.

Girlx wrote: It is easy for people to say get over it, move on, meet someone else. I tried but he is just what my heart wants.


Then your heart is just lying to you because why would your heart tell you to care for someone who does not respect you?

Run away if you can.
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Re: Advice Appreciated

Postby xdude » Wed Sep 18, 2019 6:27 am

Honestly I don't know, but if you really do care about him, and if you are okay with the good and not so great mixed together, I think you'll have to be the one to reestablish communications.

And sorry about bringing up the stalker aspect, but it's a real thing now that guys are facing. If she tells you no, run, get away, because who knows how far it will go. I am not saying it should be that way, just we live in a world now where even a bad date can end up being a post on facebook. It's dumb, but those few high profile cases can all too easily be what sticks in our minds.

But if you do take him back, realize his issues are not because of you, you didn't cause them, and he may need to see a therapist to improve those areas of his life, when/if he is ready.

For whatever it's worth, sometimes couples have to go through a harsh break up before they realize they really do care about each other.
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Re: Advice Appreciated

Postby Hal9000 » Sat Sep 28, 2019 1:00 am

I can only tell you about the person I was involved with for 8 years, which doesn't mean it applies to him.
She is bipolar and undiagnosed BPD and is alcoholic.
Her fear of abandonment was so profound that she would constantly test me, making it more difficult to stay with her, almost forcing me to leave her.
I loved her intensely and was very understanding about her burdens so I put up with it and we would discuss it in her more lucid moments. She's very intelligent and had great self awareness of her condition. We went to therapy together because I really wanted to understand as well as I could. I even forgave her "wandering eye" (and worse) because I truly believe she couldn't help it.

Again, this may not be the case with him, but if he is "testing" you in the way she tested me, you have to either understand it and get used to it or decide if you can really put up with it.

After eight years I couldn't anymore. I'm sad but we're both better off.
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