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It Takes Someone Special

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

It Takes Someone Special

Postby Joak » Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:15 pm

It takes someone special to be in a relationship with someone with a PD. I've learned I'm not that person. Without going into it, my life is pretty complicated already.

Recently, my ex tried to woo me with love bombing. It has me feeling guarded for when he may pop-up again. We are not a good combination. I've tried directly discouraging him in the past and it fell on deaf ears. This time, I changed my strategy. I tried things like looking less attractive - no make-up and wearing things in public most would only wear at home. I also have learned to identify the love bomb tactic he uses and he could see it was ineffective this time.

He's been diagnosed with ASPD with Borderline tendencies.

I also took it a step further and blocked him in all forms possible - phone, email and the minuscule amount social media he used. I'm not sure he will even be able to tell, but just think it will appear I'm not responsive if he should reach out.

Again, I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm vulnerable to his charming side and know we don't bring out the best in each other. So, trying really hard to move on and want to feel safe doing it.

One additional note, in our relationship, he shared that he had stalked me early in the relationship. Not sure if it ended there or if he would do it again. Another reason for being concerned and wanting to become something uninteresting to him.

Would being something he couldn't brag about to others and becoming something I would think he typically would't find attractive do the trick?

Trying not to make this too long with background info,so will add a short tidbit that he has a history of boomerang in previous relationships.

To recap, I don't want to be hurtful. I want to make him feel he lost interest and am hoping to do so permanently.
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Re: It Takes Someone Special

Postby shimtie » Thu Jul 11, 2019 2:58 am

As long as you are so worried about hurting him or him or being a jerk that it profoundly influences and determines:

- The way you dress
- The way you apply makeup
- Your activities in the community
- Social media activity

...the dance is not over.

Trust your intuition that this is not your person. You've apparently made that determination yet you're in the dance.

The other day I had to finalize a decision NOT to do something for a friend. I called her, told her I couldn't do it, here's a referral for someone who can do it. Then there's clarity. We're still friends.

Thinking clearly being decisive seem important here. Staying stuck in a spiral of you/him can distract you from a more fulfilling, joyful life course. Best to you. I hope other posters will weigh in on the practicalities of separating yourself from this individual, should you remain convinced that is right for you.
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Re: It Takes Someone Special

Postby xdude » Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:40 pm

For whatever it's worth, some call this the grey rock method. Be boring, uninteresting, if you must communicate keep it short, and simple, mindless. Hope that the other person grows bored and moves on.

I don't think there is any fault in realizing this relationship isn't for you, and since talking it out probably will lead nowhere but to get sucked back in, I think you are being wise to try being a grey rock.
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Re: It Takes Someone Special

Postby Joak » Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:24 pm

I have never heard the phrase grey rock method, but it's a perfect fit for the strategy.

Thanks for your encouragement, xdude. So far, it seems to be working!
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Re: It Takes Someone Special

Postby xdude » Sat Jul 13, 2019 9:20 am

Cool. Well if you search for articles on the grey (or gray) rock method, you'll find hundreds of them. Maybe there are some tips to be found, what has/hasn't worked for others. If nothing else, it can be a good mental mantra 'I am a rock' if you find yourself slipping around this person.
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