hoover attempt(s)

been awhile since ive been here....as basically ive moved past my prior relationship with someone with comorbid bpd and npd and most of the issues....although sometimes i feel like it will always have a tiny piece of me ive really bounced back from where i was 6 to 4 years ago....doing really well and basically it rarely ever comes up in my thoughs save for a few triggers here and there

basically though i had never really had a real tried and true hoover attempt on me...although there were a few small ones early on in the breakup where we trying to remain friendly until i realized my partner had been planting the seed of a new relationship before i was gone...it took me a bit to piece it together and when i did i flew off the handle....namecalling...foul language....calling them out as a narc(as soon as i really learned what they were)....which as i understood they hate to be out or have someone figure them out....this caused a cease in contact as i suggested she block me on fb and id block her number....

quick backstory...my ex narc partner is related to one of my oldest friends since kindegarten...cousins by marriage....my friends half sister is actually my ex narcs blood cousin(this girl considers me her other brother)....my friends family is like a 2nd family and thats how we knew each other/met...my ex narc is also friends with several of my fam members on fb to this day...luckily for me she is based many hours away from my hometown and i never have to see her...im grateful and forunate as i know many people who have to bump into their ex's on almost a weekly basis

anyways...weve been blocked for about 6 years.....one random day not long ago i noticed all of the sudden her name was popping up in comments on my feed...it had been about 6 years since we had any contact....my eyes sort of popped and i did a double take.....it was apparent, for whatever reason, she unblocked me....i thought back to what i read many years earlier about "hoovering".....at first i thought maybe a friend request from her might be coming....then i realized after a few days it hadnt...i thought "she wants me to send one doesnt she"? or she wants me to reply to a comment she replied to.....and fall right into the trap....i said to myself "i wonder what would happen if i sent a message or a friend request and quickly came to the conclusion "shed prob delete the request" or "ignore the message".....not once did consider doing any of this...but sort of laughed and wondered what would happen and what her angle was.....about 12 days later it was apparent she was not popping up anymore and i was blocked again

fast forward a few months later...i buy alot of clothing and other stuff online...i probably receive a package or two weekly....i was anticipating a certain item of clothing around a certain date....one day i see a package that fits the bill on my front porch....i walk out and scoop up the package without even giving it a look....open it up and reach in to pull out the clothes "wtf thats not...a hoodie"

continue pulling it out...its a stuffed animal from my childhood that she kept in her room and a shirt of mine that was almost 15 years old and basically didnt even fit me when we were together ...i look at the front of the package and sure enough....theres her name on the shippers address....nothing else in it.....now keep in mind she still likely has another 6-8 articles of my clothing that were still in her room and left behind along with a few other trinkets...im thinking to myself "if you are trying to declutter and get rid of junk....you could throw this out...or give it to goodwill"...

6 years later after we last had any contact....i had to chuckle a bit...i never thought id see, what i believe to be, a hoover attempt....probably even two of them within months....i told a friend and she said "bring them over to our cookout ill throw them in the fire"...lol and so we did....and ive never even though about making contact

these people are true to form....i do feel bad for them....

this is a hoover attempt though right? shes had to have basically been looking for me to make contact....cant really see any other reason...or maybe to just say "hey...remember me you worthless POS....in case you thought about forgetting me"......i can only imagine what would have happened if i did try.....probably just disappear or say "i sent that because it was yours...not because i wanted to talk to you"....lol...even though she has other stuff of mine and likely know its meaningless and useless to me

6 years is too long for a hoover. Re-idealize works on a few months scale. Probly didnt know what to do with your stuff and was eaither moving out or just cleaning up for something, so she sent it to you. Do you hate her so much after 6 years?

AProphet wrote:6 years is too long for a hoover. Re-idealize works on a few months scale. Probly didnt know what to do with your stuff and was eaither moving out or just cleaning up for something, so she sent it to you. Do you hate her so much after 6 years?

nah i dont hate her

but i always understood a hoover as not neccessarily having to re-idealize....that they could just want to remind you of their existence or the power they think they have/had over you.....or they might want you to reach out so they can reject you

like i said...she is nuts for sure...but i dont know if shes so nuts to think that i wanted/needed/could use any of that stuff back.....she has/had other articles of my clothing and trinkets.....she could have thrown them away or gave them to goodwill(which i know is near her home)...she went down to the post office and paid money to send them back to me......after 6 years there is no point to send them.....i didnt want or need those things even when we were together and she knows that even as crazy as she is....

there is no scenario where i would think she would actually believe i wanted or could use these items

overanxious wrote:
nah i dont hate her

but i always understood a hoover

I'd say yes : it's typical hoover

as not neccessarily having to re-idealize....that they could just want to remind you of their existence or the power they think they have/had over you.....or they might want you to reach out so they can reject you

I understand that you needed to diagnose her to take distance. However, speaking in "they" sounds a little weird to me.

like i said...she is nuts for sure...but i dont know if shes so nuts to think that i wanted/needed/could use any of that stuff back.....she has/had other articles of my clothing and trinkets.....she could have thrown them away or gave them to goodwill(which i know is near her home)...she went down to the post office and paid money to send them back to me......after 6 years there is no point to send them.....i didnt want or need those things even when we were together and she knows that even as crazy as she is....

Well yes, it's hoovering

there is no scenario where i would think she would actually believe i wanted or could use these items

Well, i don't know her nor you but my gut is that no, she doesn't think you could use those items.

If you write here, i suppose it's because you were moved.

It's quite common to take contact with an ex. She might be bored with her actuel bf, she might have broken with him. She might feel lonely. She might not want to throw things and need space. Maybe she is moving.
I don't know.

What i see is that - hum - her attitude is funny but not very attentive to you. She is mysterious. She plays with it. She could have joined some explanation, she didn't.

Is it true that mystery brought you to idealize her?

If i compare to own experience :

it happened to me to be "hoovered" by some mystery. Some guy who had unexpected - impossible to guess - attitude. When he didn't answer me, i imagined "what did i do? Didn't i do well? What can i do to please him, to be accepted?". It was horrible and took lots of energy.
The question was : doesn't he love me? He sends signs that he is intensely involved, then disappears.
It gave me sort of impression of infinite unreachable love, with enormous question : how much do i count for him.

Well, i decided that he doesn't. Loving someone is - it seems to me - be able to be attentive to that person. To their needs.

That girl you talk about didn't show she was able to do that. She could have been attentive in writing some little letter to explain what she is doing. She didn't.

So for me the message is clear : she is hoovering and at the same time has zero intention of offering you love and attention.

I think it can be confusing from the outside, but a person exiting a toxic relationship can, on some level, want to be hoovered. It can feel like they must have cared about me. I don't know which is worse; a painful but clean break, or reiterating the same old pattern, having the scab ripped off over and over, but...

The main thing is to focus on you are over it, past that point of feeling terrible about self. If she is a toxic personality odds are she has put someone else through the ringer. Sometimes when these types of people have finished damaging another, or are on the outs, they'll pop up for air and contact an ex for their own benefit (it's not to care about you, or anyone else!) You really don't want to go back to square one again in the healing process. Be thankful it's mostly behind you.