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Aftermath of narcissistic abuse

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Aftermath of narcissistic abuse

Postby rebelrabbit » Sun Jun 09, 2019 4:14 pm

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post what I want to write. I put it here because I was married to a narcissistic female.

I was with her for about 5 years and married for 2. After getting married that's when it all started to go wrong. I eventually managed to leave and get away from her, about a year and a half ago.

I thought once I was free of her that everything would be okay. That wasn't quite so. I struggled a lot but am getting there now. Although I still have days where she won't get out of my head.

Looking at how I got myself into that relationship has made me realize that I am co-dependent. And that I suffer from emotional dependency.

I met a woman who has also been through a relationship with a similar type of person. Although we are good friends now, I did initially become obsessed with her. I needed to hear from her or see her to feel okay. I gave her complete control over my emotions. It can still happen a bit but not as bad since I've been reading up about emotional dependency.

I know why I'm like this. My parents split up when I was about 11 or 12. My Mum remarried and she totally changed. My Mum used to be my world and then suddenly she was gone and it was like I'd been abandoned. I tried desperately to get through to her, to be heard, but nothing. I then slowly went off the rails in my life. I looked for love to fix myself, but I looked in the wrong places. I then got sucked in by a narcissist who at first seemed like all the answers to my prayers. But turned out to be evil and abusive.

I want to fix this issue so that I can be happy alone and comfortable in my own skin. And to not fall into another toxic relationship. Although I'm sure I could read all the red flags now.

For a long time I've naively thought that romantic love was the answer. It isn't. I have to do this within myself.

If you read this then thank you for that. I'd be very interested in reading any comments people make about all of this.
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Re: Aftermath of narcissistic abuse

Postby thegentlepath » Wed Jun 26, 2019 3:16 pm

I’m sorry that happened to you rebelrabbit. I’ve found the meetings & literature of Co-dependents Anonymous helpful. Books by Melody Beattie have also been helpful: Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency. Good luck in your journey.
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Re: Aftermath of narcissistic abuse

Postby shimtie » Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:45 am

I urge you to live a full life that includes cultivating your interests so that your accomplishments in those arenas reinforces your sense of well being ("earned esteem"). A healthy relationship has a balanced ratio of Love, Respect, and Care going both ways. This is true of all close relationships, friendships in family and all. Give some, get some but don't give give give. And watch yourself. Are you expecting/hoping for something back? This is where they martyr gets disillusioned.

In addition to the books on codependency the previous poster mentioned, a few appointments with a therapist might help get things flowing better.

And what some call Somatic Therapy techniques that you can do yourself or along with other practitioners: yoga, meditation (e.g. breath work where you observe your own breath mindfully) any kind of movement like dance and pottery and painting and surfing and hiking and car maintenance...you get my point: it's about something physical and it's engaging in the present. At least 50% in nature. We all need it.
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