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Greetings, looking for a helpful community - details below.

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Greetings, looking for a helpful community - details below.

Postby ASPDSpousehelpjapan » Thu Jun 06, 2019 6:39 am

Hello.

I’m a father of a 6yr old girl and 2yr old son. I’m American and my wife is Japanese. I’m not sure how much information is considered okay, but she is a nurse and I am a teacher.

About 6mo. after marriage, we began to have serious relationship problems. She thought that I probably had Asperger Syndrome. Since she is a nurse, I accepted there may be truth to her claim and together we went to a local psychiatric doctor to have myself tested. After many hours of consultation and evaluations, the doctor concluded that I had no psychological problems, and specifically not aspergers.

I studied some psychology in Uni, so I was not surprised. I’ve since tested myself in with a battery of evaluations. So far, im pretty normal, and though I present rare personality traits that have been interesting for self discovery, nothing negative per se.

My wife, on the other hand, presents with mild to occasionally severe antisocial personality disorder traits. So far, she has never once accepted to undergo psych evaluation of her own. I bring it up Sometimes but she never commits and will try to change the subject. Some coping techniques of dealing with ASPD loved ones are effective but each day and each year is getting harder.

My business is built into our home, and my children are too precious for me to divorce her. In Japan, men have no rights to their children outside of marriage, and we would both lose a substantial investment in our business. Now, I work morning to night while she is on Maternity leave for the second of three years. This life is becoming too stressful. I don’t mind working and taking care of the kids when I’m not working. That’s why I built our business into our home. I always want to be there for my kids. But if momma is upset, everyone in the house suffers.

Lately this has extended to our customers. She often makes scheduling mistakes with customers or creates work without telling me. Obligations I often learn about hours, or minutes before they must be filled. She’s very apologetic to our customers, but not so much to me. I suggest hiring someone to take over these duties and give her a break more times than I can count. I can’t fire her, we are basically business partners.

My kids are more of a concern. I often find out about or walk in on them doing something dangerous or getting hurt. They will learn not to do most of those things by trial and error, but I seriously worry they will get severely hurt due to temporary neglect. I’m doing my best to make sure these possibilities are as few as possible, but sometimes when I come home from an outside lesson and she isn’t home and hasn’t told me she and the kids were going somewhere, I get frightened that something may have happened.

I need help. How can I feel with this lifestyle, and where can I turn to in Japan? I’m a foreign man and speak Japanese in regular conversation well, but can’t find words to explain my problems in Japanese. And my wife is seemingly unwilling to let me reach out for help or evaluate the problem with psychiatric professionals unless it is to test myself.

I’m writing this on my phone, and it’s a lot, so let’s start here and see where it goes?
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Re: Greetings, looking for a helpful community - details below.

Postby xdude » Thu Jun 06, 2019 10:05 pm

Hey man,

A lot of us here are living in Western cultures, and you know we would still have problems trying to make sense of a partner with AsPD. I've spent some time in Japan, not much, but can vaguely understand why it's even harder on you.

Sorry I have no simple answers to offer you. One of the hard things about AsPD is how well people with that personality can keep it hidden, until later when it's difficult to do anything about it. Sadly the only thing I can write is it's very rare for someone with AsPD to want to make a change, but I will throw out one thought for you to ponder...

Ultimately your kids will become adults, and they'd rather have one sane parent then two who are mentally unwell. If you reach a point of I can't do this anymore, you will be doing them right too, though it maybe many years later before that becomes evident.
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Re: Greetings, looking for a helpful community - details below.

Postby shimtie » Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:14 am

Perhaps it would be wise to contact the Japanese Association of Social Workers for a consultation to review your concerns about the safety of your children and inadequate communication from your wife re. their whereabouts day-to-day.

Although your wife might not listen so well to you, she might be very respectful of their recommendations regarding how to run the family.

And may I suggest that how the family runs is separate from business. Is it possible the business could run without her, and you could hire someone else to do the scheduling? This would simplify things.
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