Hi! Shared Story by New Member; NPD/BPD/DID abused partner

Hi, I’m glad to meet anyone here who frequents these forums.

I just decided to begin a new stage, of seeking next-level understanding of my partner’s situation and diagnoses, and anything that could help; and self-help and personal support.

A little about me and the situation: I’m male, 35 - If you want, you can call my Steveo...
For the last nine or so years, I’ve been in a longterm relationship with a woman, aged 31...

We have been well-aware of her extreme and frequent mental issues since nearly the beginning, and...
After all these years of doing our own research (mine, chiefly, as observer/experiencer), compounded with those diagnoses and opinions of doctors and therapists...
We enter the here and now: where we’ve honed our awareness into this likely situating: a multiple diagnoses of narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.

These well-represent her underlying mental “engine” and patterns, and especially, her recurrent behaviour.
But the extra layer, the reason I would message under the DID category has a reason. She, unlike someone with simply a “stable” narcissistic type personality, tends to go through stages of dissociative-like extreme. Truly a Jekyll and Hyde, ON / OFF switch, into different but noticeably stubborn and unique aspects of her entire personality complex. At times this is more pronounced -- extremes, up and down -- and other times, it is more like unique and subtly skewed selections on a volume dial.

Though in short, there is a recurrent personality, or tendency to go into “States”, “modes”, of extreme difficulty that are underlined in the diagnoses NPD and BPD. There IS, or used to be (though THIS also seems to be regressing in a steady decline, over the years) a good, or “proper” stable person, in there, who has come out to play from time to time; spent time with me; loved, cared, laughed, agreed, comprehended, and lived functionally.

Moving forward from this introduction and overview, I will post one of my -- admittedly rough and emotional, right-after-the-event -- journal entries, to give an idea of one such day; what it is like, in my personal experience, living with such a person with these behaviour and mental disorders and symptoms -- The hardships, the impossibility, the simply put: abuse... the puzzle, the hurt, and wear and tear that so many of we (however lost in dark, and seldom heard about) partners/supporters/victims share.
And whatever we can possibly, inevitably and hopefully do to empower our situations, and restore reality back to our lives.

*Footnote: I want to point out that, at the time of my attached journal entry’s writing, I may sound like I was in a different state of attitude, toward the whole prospect of the relationship... than I am in even now, barely a month later. As I post and attempt to get support, things are looking dire and very impossible -- nearly hopeless -- concerning everything in my life, right now. There is not much I that I can do, and I am in need of some support and some understanding, at a minimum, at this juncture.

That’s -- at the same time, as much as I am a level-headed, still-fighting and strong person who is ready and willing to help or assist others, here, or anywhere, too.

Thanks. I’d welcome any comments , thoughts, relating, or requests for fellow relating / support.

I can only guess.

From a guess point of view, I suppose DID is less likely to be diagnosed than NPD/BPD. It's a valid diagnosis, but odds are professionals see fewer people with DID than they do NPD and BPD.

That written, BPD can vary from mild to quite severe, and in the more severe cases, can 'borderline' on psychosis. Also, and this is just an opinion (not fact), I tend to think that people who are really struggling with dual cluster B personality coping mechanisms can appear extra confusing to others. As you wrote, NPD is typically a more stable mechanism, so it might be surprising when she shifts toward the BPD side.

Now the more important matter -

Yes, you need to be very careful that you don't become ill with her. You becoming mentally unwell will not help her. It's admirable you want to be supportive, but both NPD and BPD types tend to sink their own ship over and over. It's very hard for professionals to deal with and they have no emotional attachment, but it's even harder on those who are emotionally involved. There is no shame in reaching a point of needing support for you, even giving up at some point, to salvage your own mental health.

I don't get a clear picture of the situation here, so all I can offer is a few general comments.

Everyone has ego states.

Both Narcissistic PD and Borderline PD involve unstable ego states, and the instability causes severe distress and/or dysfunction.

DID in contrast involves dissociated identity states, which are ego states that perceive themselves as separate and engage with the external world separately, with amnesia between at least some of them. A person living with DID may be very stable, very high functioning, nonetheless mentally ill.

Your first priority is your own self care. Your efforts to help your girlfriend may actually be doing more harm than good. This is especially true if your support is keeping her out of therapy or out of an inpatient hospital program if that is the kind of help she really needs. If you are in the United States, a major source of help for you may be the NAMI Family-to-Family program.

First of all, I see no additional info from you; you had something additional to share?

DID? Okay, so, we all have moments of normal dissociation, 5 minutes ago I did as I got absorbed in my research work in a quiet room.

Then are the more serious dissociative episodes lasting longer amounts of time (e.g. 30 minutes to several hours). Totally common in BPD's. 75% of a significant sample of BPD people had these episodes: https://link.springer.com/article/10.10 ... 018-0146-9.

They considered to be largely stress related (not 100%). BPD people can cause their own stress. But environment has something to do with it, and getting to know its influence is worthwhile. If something effects how they see themselves, this could lead to such an episode. If the BPD is performing in front of a crowd that can bring their mind, before and after, to "how they are seen". Getting feedback (positive or negative) at work or school. Daydreaming about a MEMORY of such a situation from years ago (REALLY). Dealing with toxic friends (peaceful friends with values promoting stable, while suitable stimulating and fulfilling lifestyles in activities that take them out of themselves would be great!)

But bringing DID into the discussion when none of the Doctors has suggested it is a distraction unless she has become catatonic and cannot remember her birthday, in which, take a ride to the mental hospital with her. Suggest it then! But that's a serious diagnosis and up to the MD's to decide.

I'm sorry those happy times have declined. I know, sigh. With my PD partner I had the good times but the bad times were poison I was no longer "up for". Realized I'm allowed to have a happy life.

You didn't mention any substance abuse, although you actually gave few details at all. Is anything good and joyful left in this relationship? (and if not dare I ask, with greatest sympathy, for how long has that been the case?) Does she want to, and to you BELIEVE she can change? These are conditions (if I properly understand you, there is BPD diagnosis) to be taken seriously. Your analyzing it or trying to understand won't remove the fact of the Personality Disorder. You can't wish it away.

Speaking of diagnosis, this is a vague statement:
> After all these years of doing our own research (mine, chiefly, as observer/experience), compounded with those diagnoses and opinions of doctors and therapists... We enter the here and now: where we’ve honed our awareness into this likely situating: a multiple diagnoses of narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.

Please do realize this sounds vague. Psychotherapists (talk therapists) don't generally diagnose although they may have a private working theory about an undiagnosed condition. So, did she get diagnosis or not? If no, get thee to a Psychiatrist MD. I mean, it is up to her, but I am telling you what type of medical provider does that assessment.

I second the concern that you don't enable or sort of allow her not to be actively in therapy if that is what she needs. You didn't give any details but given your state of upset, one wonders whether she might be actively living out her disease process without appropriate intervention that she genuinely needs.

And for yourself. Being realistic, taking stock of your situation, getting your own help. Feel free to offer more about this situation and the setting in which you find yourself. You mention abuse. That can be incredibly disorienting. It's been said a thousand times: no PD is an excuse for abuse. Get yourself a life raft. In the last 9 years have you ever taken 72 hours to yourself away from her to clear your head? (I did! Made all the difference.) Aloha