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My Ex and bpd, I don’t understand what’s going on :(

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My Ex and bpd, I don’t understand what’s going on :(

Postby Nathalie87 » Tue Feb 26, 2019 1:16 pm

Hi there,

first of all I apologize for my English, I’m from Germany, but I hope you’ll understand my problem. Thanks for helping me!

3 months ago I met a a very kind and lovely man (we met online) from the UK, he was the very first man in my 31 years who gave me so much.. from the first day on we understood each other so good, because both of us were going through similar issues and problems in our lifes. We had so many topics to talk about, he was SO DAMN caring, he put my problems and my person as priority and his own behind.. we were there for each other almost 24/7, we left hobbies and friends behind (I know this isn’t the best solution and not the best behavior, but we were so connected to each other.. our focuses were just on each other.. after a few weeks we met for the first time in real life. He visited me in Germany and we had great 2 weeks. It was more intense, than via phone and WhatsApp. In general, this whole relationship was intense as ###$.. it was his first time abroad, he felt a little bit uncomfortable bc he didn’t know the language and the culture. But I did everything to made him feel good and safe..

this guy suffers from anxiety, PTSD and borderline. He told me this directly after our first chats at the beginning of our relationship.

I was totally fine with this.. I can handle many situations and people, I met several and different people in my life, I’m also a very caring and helpful person. I was always there for him, to boost his issues and he told me SO MANY times, that he never felt like this before. He felt so good and confident, when he was with me (IRL or even on phone).. I was his first girlfriend, he never had one before, he had 2 good friends (male) but that’s it. He grew up in a very abused house, his father was bullying him and punching him in his childhood. Also at School he was bullied for his weight.. his mother could never show her feelings towards him.. he was all the time alone.. just his brothers were there for him..

after two weeks of being here in germany he left bc his mom was in hospital, she was concerned about him, being here in a foreign country. I don’t want to mention this, but his family is Muslim.. they’re living a very strict life, BUT not my ex. He was different. He doesn’t believe in this religion. After leaving he behaved different. We had a fight before he left and one day he tried to push me away, I cried for 7 hours, bc I didn’t know what’s wrong with him. He told me he can’t handle this pressure of being here and his family is there, his mom is suffering that he is in Germany and not in England.. he told me he didn’t love me anymore and i was fighting and fighting 7 hours (it was a Wednesday) crying the $#%^ out of me, I was begging.. he was so cold towards me.. after this 7 hours I calmed down. I thought that’s it. He doesn’t want me anymore and I don’t know why!

We went to bed and he started to change again. He was starring at me for like 1 hour, with sad eyes, with eyes who told me his feeling, bc I knew he still must have feelings for me. And then suddenly he changed, he apologized, he held my hand, he cried, he told me he can’t be without me, his feelings are too strong.. he was cuddling me like there is no tomorrow, crying in my arms.. and I was shocked. I was exhausted from the whole day fighting for him.. we had the best night, we talked so much about it, we laughed again (and omg we both laughed so much from the day we met!! And I miss this so much) two days later he left Germany and went back to his family.

Since then we were in a long distance relationship and almost every day was different. One day he gave me hope, love, he was caring so much, he had plans.. two days later he was kinda cold again, not in the same way, like here in Germany but kind of. And we still spent hours and hours together by phoning and FaceTiming. I swear, it was so intense..

then one day, it was exactly one week ago, we had the plan me moving to uk. Not forever but for a few months. I have a job where I’m working in my own home office. I can work from wherever I want. So HE booked the flight and an Airbnb (I couldn’t live with him, bc of his father and mom) but I was fine with that. And tbh I put him under such a pressure to come earlier and earlier.. I couldn’t deal with this long distance anymore.. every day I put him under pressure but he didn’t say anything. He could’ve even told me that things went to fast, but on the other side it was his plan me moving to UK. Every day I told him, i can’t be without him anymore, we fought because I really stressed him out (and now I regret it, I hate myself for doing this!!) BUT he never told me a single word. He said everything was fine and he couldn’t wait to see me.

The day before my departure I packed my bags and stuff, he acted kinda weird. He was cold again, he told me he can’t be on phone bc he has Stress with his brother. His brothers never wanted this relationship bc the didn’t know me and the didn’t believe in such things like long distance and stuff. They thought I was just using him, bc he was paying for everything (and I didn’t like it when he paid for everything, even for groceries when he was here! I didn’t like it bc it’s not my personality to take money from others. I’m earning my own money so I can pay).

3(!!) hours before my flight he didn’t texted or phoned me. And I KNEW that something is wrong.. I was afraid he would break up with me or tell me his feelings aren’t the same anymore (like multiple times before). I knew that something will happen. And then it happens. He was mean and rude af! He told me to ###$ off, he told me he didn’t want me anymore... it’s over and I have to stay where I am. I was crying again bc I was confused and I knew that this might happen. After one hour he called me “Nathalie, let me explain, it wasn’t me, it was my brother, he was typing bc he want to get rid of you, he doesn’t want you to come here and take me away from my family” and we talked for 2 hours, my flight was almost gone.. and I was like “ok I don’t know if you’re telling me the truth or maybe it was you bc of this pressure I put you in” the last sentence of my ex was (before we hang up after one hour) “I’ll love you forever” and he cried so much... after 2 hours he blocked me.

The next morning he unblocked me. I texted him several times and he read all the messages.. he sent me 2 voice messages where he was crying again and saying he can’t deal with both anymore. Pressure from his family and my pressure I put him in. He told me “it has to stop, It’s the end I guess” “you’ll never hear from me anymore” and I begged again.. but then, he blocked me. Since the day (it’s a week ago) I’m blocked on WhatsApp (he also changed his SIM card, bc “his brother wanted it like that”, idk if it’s true). I’m still on insta and Twitter, but he isn’t active for the last 7 days.. he didn’t read my direct messages on insta.. 3 days ago he read all my mails i texted him.. but since the last 3 days there’s nothing anymore. I know he read my mails bc I’m using a program in my mails, idk how it’s in English, but I can see when somebody reads my mails.

I really really want him back in my life! Is there a chance that he’ll come back? I’m so frustrated and sad. I can’t function anymore, I’m losing weight constantly, I don’t want to lose him forever :(

Since the break up I’m reading every day about disorders and I try to improve me own behavior, for a better understanding for this mental illness.. i learned from my mistakes, i know it was a huge mistake to put him under such a pressure almost every day :( I just want him back, and build up SLOWLY, I want him to show that I changed.. bc I know he didn’t react and break up like this, because he really wanted it. It was just this whole pressure thing from me and his family! We were really in love and I know he had strong feelings, me too. So I think there could be a chance that he unblocks me? He has such a good heart, really, I’m totally serious, it’s not just this disorder he has, it’s his character, his manners.. so caring and lovely..
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Re: My Ex and bpd, I don’t understand what’s going on :(

Postby xdude » Wed Mar 06, 2019 12:27 pm

Hey Nathalie87,

We aren't capable of diagnosing here, so all you'll get is guesses, but let's say for the sake of replying that he does have BPD...

If you don't have a cluster B personality yourself odds are you really cannot understand him, and even if you did, the emotional swings would be confusing. The positives you saw go hand in hand with the other extremes. It's the nature of the disorder to swing between extremes.

I am guessing, there is no way to know for sure, but yes odds are you'll hear from him again. Problem is do you really want to go through the ups and downs, idealized one moment, irrelevant or hated the next?
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