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Help with bdp questions

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Help with bdp questions

Postby Cman81 » Wed Feb 06, 2019 7:00 pm

So I’ve been in a relation ship with someone that is undiagnosed with bdp for 21/2 years. Her mom is diagnosed and her older brother. We are on are third breakup. Both times previously it was the same cycle. She would start pushing me away for a few weeks, constantly think I’m doing something behind her back to the point she almost makes up things in her mind, and then things would end. Then she shuts me out completly. Won’t look at me, or talk to me, and just hates. Gets super uncomfortable talking about feelings toward me. Makes new friends, changes hair color, and recklessly parties and very promiscuous. Always after 5-6 weeks she then misses me, and calls me out of the blue, and then for months will be super affectionate. So this time I’m at week three of breakup. We now have a kid together so we have a little contact. Do I need to worry about her trying to come back, and does the cycle ever stop if untreated?
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Re: Help with bdp questions

Postby sparklestars » Thu Mar 21, 2019 12:05 pm

Hi Cman, I'm not a doctor but I do have a 19 year old diagnosed BPD daughter. Your ex needs to be evaluated by someone and properly diagnosed. I've spent 18 of the last 19 years taking my daughter to doctors, counselors, treatment facilities and hospitals. If your ex does have BPD, there is a chance they can get better. Then there are the buts... But without her diagnosis and professional help, you are in a bad situation. The entire process to get help makes me extremely sour. There isn't enough help out there and the people working in the field are exhausted. When it comes to BPD, that is one gray area where they seem to get shoved aside. No wonder they are so ticked off all the time. :evil: Noone understands them. My daughter now likes to yell at me "I Need to be validated, you need to validate that". It's a long hard road. BPD's hearts break in two and they are very hard to fix after a breakup. My daughter can't hold any relationship for more than 2 months.

Think of your child. That is who you need to think of first. Do everything you can to help your little one. Your ex is suffering from an illness she doesn't understand yet. From what you say, she sounds more bipolar to me. But, I'm no doctor, just a mom. I hope you can find somewhere to get her the help she needs. No, it will never stop unless you get her help.
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Re: Help with bdp questions

Postby xdude » Tue Mar 26, 2019 2:02 pm

Just my 2 cent thoughts ...

There is really no 'fixing' someone with BPD. It's somewhat like trying to fix someone who has lost their legs, and expecting them to live an entirely normal life. In the case of BPD, it's often about losing childhood self-esteem, which cannot be entirely fixed later in life.

What is possible is to make some improvements, for you and her. There is going to be some backsliding, and to use the same analogy, just as we wouldn't beat someone up who falls into depression now and then over the loss of a limb, people with BPD are going to fall into a depression now and then over the loss of childhood self-esteem.

An improvement could be something like 5% more time feeling good about self, or even 1 percent. It's not going to be 100% of the time. That expectation just adds to what people with BPD struggle with.

Now that all aside, you also have to know your own limits. You can't and shouldn't try to do something you are not able to do. People with BPD do have to take responsibility for their condition, but it is a real condition, and there is no simple will-power fix for them. They can improve, but they are still going to have BPD. You can set limits on how much you can take too. Your limits will still be tested, but you can reduce how often you fall into the downward spiral of taking those tests.
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