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I need help with an important decision

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I need help with an important decision

Postby ineedhelp18 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:36 pm

I'm 18, I haven't a lot of experience in the world yet alone obviously but I've met this guy a while back when I was 16 online and we were friends, one summer we spent it all together just talking & he became my best friend basically. All i've ever thought about was him when I'd get home from my part-time job. So eventually, when summer was closing towards the end, he got kicked out ( not because he was a bad kid but because his mother chooses his abusive step-dad over him ). and I've felt so bad. He had no family to take him in because his dad was a trucker and always on the road, he didn't have a house. I told him since he was a state next to mine that if he wanted he can just come over here, and he did. He's lived here for almost a year and we've grown close to each other and fell in love.. we had a fight and he was moving back to arkansas to stay with his mom's ex co-worker. He already packed things and was leaving but we made up before he left and it torn us apart just being apart. I'm not trying to make this long I'm just trying to give you a background of some things we've been through together.. when I graduated highschool a day after my birthday I packed my things and left to go live with him. I don't know if that was a mistake because I wasn't expecting to be gone from home for a long time honestly. I've lived here for over 7 months and I miss my family terribly. I have self-esteem issues or something, i feel like I can't break up with him and be A-ok. I've always had issues with breakups with people that actually mattered to me. My first 1 year relationship that ended I wanted to kill myself because I felt so terrible. I was 14... I never got a real therapist to actually talk to me about this stuff. I've been considering on seeing one but they're too expensive for sessions with my part-time money. I don't want to get a full-time job either because I can't go over a year not seeing my family (vacation weeks you have to work there for a year I believe). I know I left too early and I miss all of my family, I haven't got one bad tie with any of them and I feel so terrible for not seeing them but I know if I leave I'd be heartbroken. I felt like I had no life when I lived back there either without him, my family would go out more than me and I just wanted to be with him. Now I want to be with them... :| and him at the same time.
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Re: I need help with an important decision

Postby realityhere » Fri Jan 11, 2019 9:19 pm

It appears that your mind is telling you that you're into an intimate relationship too fast and that it has taken you away from a support system (your family). It's understandable you want both family and boyfriend, but you can't solve or help your boyfriend's instability--his family issues are really for a professional counselor's job. Especially since you already have your own issues, let alone deal with his. He's leaned on you for loving support that should have been a parent's job, and it's really not a role you should be enacting with him, as much as you love him. This may be overwhelming, more than you can take on at this time in your life. In addition, when a person has unresolved issues with parents, he may carry his dysfunctional family dynamics into the intimate relationships he has in his own life.

You're only 18 and you have a whole life ahead of you. Consider this: do you see yourself staying in this relationship for a long time? What if you have children, would this young man make a good, stable partner and father? Would he be able to financially support you and a young family? Do you see yourself perhaps pursuing further education and/or a career? Would you like to travel and see the world? Do you have your own dreams or goals you'd like to see happen?

There is nothing wrong in wanting to go home to a family that you're still on good terms with. With time and some distance, along with your family's support, you may be able to see things about your relationship with this young man more clearly. Your boyfriend needs the time and space to assess the relationship as well and hopefully he seeks some counseling for his family issues. There's nothing wrong about taking a break or time-out in the relationship. Stepping back for a bit may help both of you.
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