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Unfortunate ending to friendship with BPD; Help?

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Unfortunate ending to friendship with BPD; Help?

Postby idkreally » Tue Jan 01, 2019 10:14 pm

I have never really used forums nor thought I would ever use them but this has been something thats damaged me and forever changed my life. Idk what Im really looking for. Maybe understanding? Advice? I have pondered the situation several times and dont get far. Im not sure what went wrong. This is super long, its hard to shorten.

I met my friend of 4 years online after trying to help several people from committing suicide. She seemed different than the rest. We clicked very fast and had a lot in common. I felt I could really help her because she told me she never met someone like me and had never felt cared for and loved before the way I made her feel. She soon became my best friend. I loved her a lot. I wanted so much for her, more than I wanted for myself. She said I was her role model.

Thats when things started to take a turn. The first time she disappeared it was without warning. She left for a week and I was extremely confused and extremely pained. I remember being super worried. I wasnt sure if shed ever come back....she did. I let her know that I was very concerned. She came off shocked that I cared about her and I was shocked she didnt see the issue. She said I was like an older sister to her. Soon, I learned about her self-harm, her many suicide attempts, her breakdowns, and her visits to the hospital. She said she trusted me and had never told anyone before. I felt honored she told me because I desperately wanted to help her. I urged her to get professional help after realizing this was very severe and shouldnt be dealt with alone. She got very scared and told me she would do it soon herself. I cant explain how much pain she would be in and how much she would constantly constantly constantly complain about people in her life (most of whom were online). She said they abused her, used her, wrecked her. I felt horrible for the abuse she went through. I would cry when shed cry and be in tears that she was in pain. I also became angry at these people. I remember she would get into constant fights with them and she wouldnt know how to communicate. I offered to help her write her replies which calmed the situations.

I wrongly started interfering and contacting these people to settle future fights with her permission. They thought I was a good friend for defending her. She thanked me for helping. She started disappearing more frequently. Id ask her why she kept doing that and that it hurt me a lot. She said she couldnt control it.

I sacrificed my time and put in so much effort hoping shed get better. I sent her a birthday gift every year so that she would at least have one gift to open on what she said was the worst day of her life. She made it seem like everyone hated her when in actuality the people I talked to that knew her glorified her as one of the best people they’ve ever met.

Shes a good person, she really is and I think thats why I gave so many chances because I could see this was serious. I urged her repeatedly to get help, to the point where I contacted her parents and told them everything when she would say she was going to kill herself. This ended in her becoming very upset and angry with me. My mom would see the pain I was in as a result of all this and she told me to let her go but how could I knowing she was in danger?


After a year, I kept learning things about her, things that would shock me. She soon started to see my emotions as me not accepting her and judging her when in actuality it was just hard for me to grasp. I told her although I dont deny her and I support her, I couldnt always agree with every one of her actions.

She then told me she was scared of me and that I caused her so much pain which confused me because she constantly denied I ever did. I couldnt believe the pain I caused her. I took responsibility for my actions and tried so badly to make it up to her, apologizing immensely, and asked her how I could make things better. She started ignoring me, having angry outbursts, then making me feel guilty. I felt tortured, but I thought I deserved it. After all, I caused her all this damage.

It was hard to let go someone you thought was a good person at heart but was clearly suffering  Slowly, she lost all her friends. I became so numb, exhausted, and sooner or later started to self-harm. During most of this, me and a boy who I met through her became close as we found comfort in each other every time she would leave and who once loved her and she started loving him back. She told him to move on as she would never want to have a future with him. She knew me and him were talking and insisted it didn’t bother her. He started to grow feelings for me.

I would barely talk to her at this point and neither would he because she started disappearing for longer periods more frequently. I told her I should let her go but it always ended up with her crying and me feeling horrible. I started to just detach myself and distance myself. After all, she hated me, and I accepted I had done her wrong so I kept to myself.

After everything that happened over the course of 4 years, I could not look at her the same. I could not look at myself the same. She told me I ruined her life and that I took away everyone. That I was the reason all her relationships ended. She said I ruined her and that I broke her She randomly told me to stop talking to him. She said I had no right but at that point he and I were friends and I couldnt have the heart to do that. It wasnt different from what she had been guilt tripping me with for the rest of the past years. I didnt deny. I cant deny her experience. I asked for forgiveness, but I told her that as much as I did unintentionally, it was unfair for her to put everything on me because her relationships were unstable to begin with and while I never had this issue with anyone before since all the people in my life have been here for years, all her relationships seemed to fail. Shee started thinking about what I said and came to the conclusion she has BPD. She hasn’t been diagnosed and she agreed to see someone.

I never got the chnce to tell her all shes done to me because I forgave her a long time ago. I knew she was sick and didnt blame her for anything but she never forgave me. She never would forgive. Shed just constantly repeat everything wrong even when wed try working it out.
He left her because he said he was tired of hurting her and suffering. I was there for them both through what was a devestating break up. I told her she should just leave me if I put her through so much pain. That this was too toxic. She disappeared again. She said she has no one left and that made me feel awful, so here I am again just waiting for that message of return.

Sorry for the length. No one will probably read this haha I want to clarify I am in no way blaming her. I realize theres two sides to a story. This was just my experience and my truth. I dont deny what she says I put her through. Its just unfortunate that so many well intentioned people could not keep a tolerable friendship. I guess im wondering where I went wrong? How can I help her?
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Re: Unfortunate ending to friendship with BPD; Help?

Postby whiteflag » Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:37 pm

You cannot help her, only she can do that by herself.
She was always victimizing herself and blaming you, you do not have any fault!
She is probably BPD and you cannot do anything about it except for accepting the reality and treating her for what she is. Enabling her behaviours will not help!
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Re: Unfortunate ending to friendship with BPD; Help?

Postby idkreally » Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:54 pm

whiteflag wrote:You cannot help her, only she can do that by herself.
She was always victimizing herself and blaming you, you do not have any fault!
She is probably BPD and you cannot do anything about it except for accepting the reality and treating her for what she is. Enabling her behaviours will not help!

Your reply means a lot to me. Thank you for taking the time to read such a long post. I won't say I'm 100% not at fault, but I believe she does have BPD and that has negatively impacted me. You're right in that it will only continue. Thank you again for listening!
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