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Married to a Porn Addict?

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Married to a Porn Addict?

Postby 1FootOuttheDoor » Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:47 am

Thank you for the opportunity to share and hopefully get some much needed advice, feedback and support on a situation that I am a bit naive about. A couple of years ago I stumbled upon the shocking revelation of my husband of 30 years' porn habit. I knowvthis may sound a bit naive, but I truly had no idea why he shut himself up in a room with the door locked for hours(anywhere from 3-5) at a time. I also did not know about webcams, chat rooms, etc opportunities out there. Once again, naive to the max. He is very secretive about it and gets extremely defensive when questioned.
Can anyone shed some light on what consumes 4-5 hours at a time? I know he uses chat rooms, looks at porn, but am not sure what else is going on. Is it expensive and finally what is he guarding/protecting? I am also wondering if he is having an affair and/or meeting up with some of his cyber pals. Like I said, I know this may sound unbelievabe, but I really had no idea about all of the various porn out there. Am deeply hurt and don't know what to do.
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Re: Married to a Porn Addict?

Postby Wally58 » Sat Dec 08, 2018 2:45 pm

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. My wife told me that my porn viewing felt like I was 'cheating' on her. Not much can kill a relationship faster than that. It got me to thinking about it and I could see her point of view.
I did it for 'harmless' stress relief at first, but it became progressive, chronic and pretty much daily. I didn't intend for her to be a casualty in all this, but she was. It was also depersonalizing me, but I didn't feel it or realize it at the time.
Seeing that it was hurting her feelings and our relationship made me want to stop doing it. I still think about sex a lot, but I have cut back my internet time to only a set amount of websites and then get off the computer. The internet can eat many hours of one's time.
I don't own a pda or cellphone as I could easily see myself getting addicted to them and god knows that I am distracted enough.
The most important thing right now is communication. He is probably feeling that this is a very private and personal thing. He may be more than a little ashamed of it and that is why it is kept secret and hidden.
Confrontation or nagging, even if you aren't doing that, probably feels like you are doing that to him. He is being defensive, as any addict would be.
Talking about it is very important right now. Explain your side and listen to him if he shares his side.
Marital counseling is an option. 12-step programs help and are free. Simple things like car rides, shopping and restaurants together help make time for discussions easier.
The codependent can be just as ill, if not sicker than the dependent. You may never be able to fully trust him again and always suspicious or checking up on him. Old behaviors can be difficult to change, even if there is no longer any need for them.
Best of luck to you. :D
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