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My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

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My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby CanuckInATruck » Sat Nov 24, 2018 2:40 pm

Hey all,

I'm not exactly sure what I am looking for but I feel like talking this out is a good start for me. 2 nights ago, my girlfriend admitted to me that she is a sex addict. She explained that it has been diagnosed, she has been seeing a therapist, which she admitted to hiding from me at first. She explained briefly just how "off the rails" she has been in the past and admitted to a slight indiscretion since we've been together.

She also said that she wants to go to rehab for this before it does more damage. I want to support her through this but she wants to put us on ice until she gets out and is well on her way to recovery.

I guess the biggest point to start with is how can I help her see that I want to help anyway possible and it feels unfair for her to expect me to just wait for her?

Until her admittance, i thought we had a really good relationship. And she pointed out that she wants to beat this for the sake of that continuing. But given that, it feels like being back burnered will be more of a wedge between us than a bandaid to keep us together.

I've tried talking to her but she has kind of closed up about it again.

If anyone has experience with the beginning of this process, especially from the partner's point of view, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks All,
CIAT
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Re: My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby xdude » Mon Nov 26, 2018 6:28 pm

Hey CanuckInATruck,

Just my gut reaction here -

My reaction is that you are a good guy who means well, but you've been blind sided. One possible way to deal with that situation is to want to be intimately involved in her recovery, a position of control, the doctor, the fixer, where you could regain some semblance of control over what she does next and what happened in the past, but...

Where do your feelings fit into this picture? Are you putting your feelings equal, or second place?
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Re: My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby CanuckInATruck » Mon Nov 26, 2018 7:53 pm

At first, I was trying to just compartmentalize my own feelings and thoughts, which I've come to learn is incredibly unhealthy for me to do. I have talked to her and she made it abundantly clear that I really can't help aside from just being here for her and keeping myself healthy in the mean time. Being the kind of guy who strives to fix things, that's a hard position for me to take but that's what she needs from me. Now I'm just trying to address my own thoughts, which is difficult because I dont know how to describe how I feel.
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Re: My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby xdude » Tue Nov 27, 2018 10:49 am

For use fixer types, yea that would be a tough situation.

We want to be understanding, and supportive, but it's also hard to face that sometimes what is driving us to 'fix' is because that is how we gain and maintain control over our own emotions, and others. We also may unconsciously choose partners who need to be 'fixed', co-dependents, but honestly believe our motives are purely altruistic. Looking at our side is hard to do.

I think in the situation you are in, if I was in your shoes, I'd be struggling with two things -

1.) Okay you have an 'illness', but that also means I can't trust that the situation won't repeat again. An 'I screwed up' responsible position at least would have meant there is some hope it won't. The 'I am ill, can't help it' position leaves open the possibility it will happen again 'because I am ill'.

2.) I'd be struggling with feeling guilty for feeling hurt/angry. Us fixer types are supposed to be understanding, and put our hurt aside when someone else is ill/struggling. Unfortunately that means we also tend to put our feelings second, and avoid processing our own pain.
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Re: My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby CanuckInATruck » Tue Nov 27, 2018 12:19 pm

You want the really weird part? I've always had trust issues. I don't know why they are rooted in, but I'm gonna start seeing a therapist so hopefully that will come out. But after a life time of barely ever trusting people, she broke that armour down like nothing and I actually still trust her. I can't even justify why i do, she literally gave me every reason not to. But when we talked about that side of it, she made it clear that she is going to try harder to control herself and find a way through it. I think that's why my trust hasn't been shattered.

I am passed the hurt part, for now. I'm sure that'll boomerang around again though. Now I am just trying to give her the space she wants, learn as much as I can, try and properly process my own emotions and just find a way through this that helps both her and us in the long run.
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Re: My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby xdude » Tue Nov 27, 2018 2:16 pm

CanuckInATruck wrote:learn as much as I can, try and properly process my own emotions and just find a way through this that helps both her and us in the long run.


I think your post was admirable Canuck, but would modify it a bit for your sake to just find a way through that helps her, us,and YOU, in the long run.

You matter man. Your feelings matter equal to hers. Hopefully something you can discover and embrace with a therapist.

Us co-dependent fixers really do believe we must 'buy' love by what we do for others. It's BS ;)
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Re: My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby CanuckInATruck » Tue Nov 27, 2018 2:25 pm

Us co-dependent fixers really do believe we must 'buy' love by what we do for others. It's BS ;)

If only we could program that out of ourselves eh? LoL

I'm on the hunt for a therapist now. We'll see how that goes. I'll make sure I update here as new info comes to light.
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Re: My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby xdude » Wed Nov 28, 2018 4:30 pm

Good to read you are taking care of you.
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Re: My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby CanuckInATruck » Wed Nov 28, 2018 5:53 pm

I'm booked in. Gotta wait til next weekend thanks to work but it's a start. Being an efficient kind of guy, who couldn't sleep, I started making a list of the things i want to address with the therapist. That in its self was an eye opener. Seeing the list on paper told me i should've done this a long time ago.
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Re: My Girlfriend is a Sex Addict- Now what?

Postby xdude » Thu Nov 29, 2018 9:09 am

Really good to read.

It's hard for all of us to turn our attention from what is wrong with others to what is going on with ourselves.

Us fixer/saver types really do believe we mean well, and so it can be very hard for us to see that while being supportive is a positive trait, it can go too far. We can end up burying much of our own want/needs, build up a mental bank account thinking we will be repaid later, only to find we are being walked all over by those who we supported. A shocker when it happens! We may also really believe that setting boundaries, and being clearer earlier is somehow 'wrong', so feel guilty for nothing. We may also pick partners who want a fixer/saver, for a while anyway, until they no longer do.

I am hopeful you get a lot of out the therapy sessions, though usually the first visit isn't very productive. First visit is usually spent sharing background info, and so not much time to dive into anything deeply, but that was very smart of you to make a list. Going in with goals is more productive than going in blind. Your list may change too, but having a starting point is a great way to get the most out of it.
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