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Possibly undiagnosed bipolar addicted husband filed for divo

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Possibly undiagnosed bipolar addicted husband filed for divo

Postby nic123 » Thu Nov 08, 2018 1:19 am

Possibly undiagnosed bipolar husband filed for divorce after 14 years together.
I am new to the site. I was hoping to get some insight. My husband may be undiagnosed bipolar on top of other addiction issues. Bipolar and addiction both run in his family.
My husband and I’ve been together for 14 years married for 4.

My husband has past and present addiction issues. A few years’ back he overcame an opiate addiction. He has always smoked pot, but in 2016 he started smoking marijuana wax (dabbing) and recently in the last year started mixing it with CBD oil and vaping it morning, noon and night every day.

November 2016, an extended release stimulant came into our lives. He was diagnosed as a child with ADD and hasn’t been on any medication since high school and he’s now 36. Once he acquired this stimulant from our General Practitioner, it changed him.

Within a year and a half, I have dealt with severe mood swings, rage, extreme anxiety, panic attacks, easily irritated; he say things like he felt crazy and there was a time he said felt different than our people. He would slap himself, tear shirts off himself. When he got angry he would sometimes say suicidal comments. He would sleep very little. He would say things in our arguments like he rather find a single mom who hit the lottery by being with him instead of dealing with things in our relationship. We began fighting more once he got on this extended release stimulant and we really did not fight much from 2010-2016. The last year and a half, I felt I was walking on eggshells in my house.

I told him that I felt this medication was not right for him and he needed to talk to the doctor about getting on a different one, but he defends it. He says it has more pros for him like super confidence, focus and weight loss. Weight was a big thing for my husband. He had been overweight throughout our whole relationship.

Right after he got on this stimulant, he started insulating our garage and was out there until 12:30-1 am in the morning on weekdays and then get up 4 hours later. Would very annoyed with me and would yell me whenever I ask him to come in the house. He would say it is not like I’m out a bars I'm here.

I know he would take more than prescribed because he would run out of his 30-day supply.

There were weekly morning anxiety fits if nothing went how he wanted in the morning. It got so bad that my dogs would come by me whenever he grunted. To him, everything is wrong and it is everybody else that is the problem. Has zero coping skills and said he uses drugs to cope with the things that were bothering him.

He would injest daily:
· 1-2 extended release Stimulant 30 mg
· 2 - 5 hour energy shots -
· Vape Marijuana shatter wax (dabbing) mixed with CBD oil all day every day
· A pack and half of cigarettes

Some days a topical steroid for psoriasis. Very recently started drinking more; not every day but when he did, it was very high alcohol percentage beers.

Excessive spender; would spend over $800 on pot wax, energy shots and cigarettes a month. We would argue about how much he would spend on himself with his extra-curricular activities. Never managed money very well; a constant card swiper. My husband would constantly overdraft on his bank account. He made good money and had zero savings and on many occasions had a negative checking account.

The day before our fight, our friends invited us to hang out two weekends in a row. I wanted to hang out the first weekend they invited us, but he did not. So when we were asked again the following weekend, I had things to do so I encouraged him to go. He came home that night we were intimate, ate dinner and all seemed okay.

My husband seemed okay the days prior before he left. On July 16 all hell broke loose.

That day my husband kissed me goodbye told me have good day I said the same. We were texting during the day and everything seemed fine. When I came home he seemed very irritated and was sitting on the deck smoking pot.

I know he did not sleep at all and he really had not slept the last couple days since being back on his Stimulant and had drank the night before .

Came home from work and had to take my dog to the vet for a knee issue. I briefly spoke to him I was kind of annoyed by his attitude and knew he did not sleep much. I did not ask him to go with because he had such anxiety with our other dog’s knee surgeries and I did not want to deal with his anxiety and bad mode.

When I came back, I said she may need surgery and then he abruptly told me no more surgeries I want to divorce and then just went on this crazy rant of what I am not doing and what is so wrong in our relationship. His friend’s girlfriend was pregnant with their second child, we were not pregnant, and anything else that was wrong. I would never consider our marriage sexless. Some months we were active more than others.I had gotten off the pill a couple months earlier because we were going to start having children and he felt I was not trying enough. I wanted to start a family, but did have concerns about his recent behavior since being on a stimulant. I know the last two months were not as active in the intimacy department, but we always were intimate every month. I will admit there were times I just didn’t feel like it, and as I talk about it to my Therapist I believe it was because everything that was going on . My husband spent more time to himself and I was taking on more responsibilities around house. The week before he left, we were intimate three times, including the night before our fight. He also said the week before he left how he could not wait until my stomach got bigger.

He was making claims that after we were intimate the day before, I like did a face or something and to him appear to him I did something to prevent being pregnant. I had no idea what he was talking about and told him no look I would have gave would prevent pregnancy. He felt I did not want to have kids even though I had been tracking my cycle, saving money for when I was going to be of work ( he clearly wasn’t saving money) and in May had just bought Ovulation strips. But to him because I wasn’t saying “its Ovulation time” I wasn’t trying.

Sure I could have done more I agree, but to say I wasn’t planning on having children is not true.

We argued for about an hour and then he went to the garage and did not speak the rest of the evening.The next day he didn’t come home until 12:30 am and we argued more and he told me he was going to cheat on me and people were flirting with him and he did not enjoy himself the last few times intimately, which again was news to me. What was strange is my husband sex drive was never really ever like this before the stimulant. But he seems to forget about how he use to be.

He said he had been thinking since January about leaving and I had until July; which was also news to me because he never said anything about how I was on a time frame. But yet this whole time was talking about having kids with me and me being pregnant even up to the week before he left. We were planning an August and October vacations and another the following year in July. We stopped arguing around 2:00 am and I went to bed. About an hour later he is screaming at the top of his lungs that he can’t f****ing sleep and shouted sucidal comments. I was almost certain our neighbors could have heard him. I said I was going to call the police or his mom, he told me if I did any of those he would most certainly get a divorce and retreated to the garage. So I did do anything because I did not want the divorce. But I did take any out of the garage he could hurt himself with and stay up until about 5:00 am to make sure nothing happened to him. He left the home that morning went to work and that was the last day he stayed at the house.

Then a few days later, after I am asking him to come back home, apologizing trying to figure out what happened we got an angry phone call for about two hours. All he did was yell horrible things, called me names. He said things that didn’t make sense to me at all. He was bringing up situations that either didn’t exist or made absolutely no sense to our conversation. Kept telling me people are flirting with him and he’s going to cheat on me if I didn’t have sex with him three times a week. So within a 10 day period from our first fight, he filed for divorce at the end of July.

After that we didn’t have any communication for about 2-3 weeks.

In August, I asked him to go to a marriage retreat with me in another state. After sometime, he agreed, but then backed out claiming it was too much money. So then I asked him to go to local marriage counseling with me.He was telling his mother he wanted to go to counseling, but just wanted a therapist present so we did not argue.

I gave the option for local counseling and he told me he would consider going to marriage counseling, but he still felt betrayed from a fight we had back in April. Our fight in April was I had said some things to him out of anger and frustration that hurt him , the wine did not help either which was out of character for me. I was angry with him and said things I should not have said to him and I am not an angry person. But I apologized and told him I was wrong for doing that and we moved forward, at least I thought.

While he still had not let me know his decision regarding marriage counseling, I found put about him being on a dating website saying he was already divorced, had no pets and did not do any drugs and undecided about kids, but that was one of the main reasons he left.
His whole profile seem like a complete lie. I was like who is this person. He absolutely loved his dogs and now threw them away like nothing. Threw me away like I was nothing. And didn’t even try to attempt to save the marriage. And now he is on more than one dating site.

This in 3 1/2 months after he left; he is like a completely different person.

According to his mother, he was saying at work he thought work people were selling drugs out of their shop and that it even involved higher ranking employees from a local casino. He admitted that his medicine makes him paranoid. Recently sent a work email that if someone wasn’t fired he was going result to violence in red font.

Left the house and all his responsibilities and has not been back. I have not seen him since July 18 and now its November and had very little contact with him. Mostly emails and a few texts. Had one phone call on August 28 for 1 minute to talk about the retreat.

He is out at bars, found out he was at a hotel, hooking up with people and now on at least two different dating sites.

Doing all kinds of stuff now as if the grass is greener syndrome.

Is this bipolar, stimulant behavior or addiction behavior?

Before ,he always like to just hang “chill” at the house did not ever seem he wanted to do much. Once on the stimulant he just isolated himself to the garage and got high all the time. I would argued about how he was not present in the house always getting high in the garage and always on his phone.

Did not really hang out with friends seemed annoyed at times when they asked him to do something and just did not really want to do much.

He would often get anxiety which really became very noticeable with this extended release stimulant.

Before he was on the stimulant, he loved watching TV did not really care to listen to music. After the stimulant , hated TV and all of a sudden loved the Grateful Dead. He never wanted to do much just like to relax and now he is ambitious and all over the place. Signed up for Snapchat the week after he left and a few weeks later deleted his Facebook and he was always posting on Facebook prior to our fight.

I was contemplating divorce back in November because it was just getting very tiring. I was so tried of the rants, but decided on marriage counseling instead. We attend 3 times and never got to any issues before he wanted to stop and we decided to try to continue in the fall. I know there was a part of me that was not happy about this, but since he went and said he would continue in the fall I agreed.

I did want him to go talk to someone on his own about some coping skills. He said he did not want to take any pills and that is what they will give him. This didn’t make much sense. If someone can help you with medication, why would you not take it. Maybe because he knew his daily cocktail was going to be the issue, and he didn’t want to be told he could no longer do those things. Maybe the fear of being sober.

The sad thing is he probably will never hit rock bottom, because he will never lose his job and doesn’t have to worry financially with future money because if his family. He works for his family’s company. He has had angry out bursts at work and suffers no consequences.

Is it possible that this is a manic episode since his Mom and Grandfather both has/had bipolar? His mother thinks he is manic.

Or the stimulant and bipolar, or a mixture of everything has brought it on?

From what I have read if someone has bipolar and taking any stimulant, it can increase the risk of mania if medications are not monitored. His personality did change a lot in a year and a half.

Now that I am reading about bipolar manic symptoms some of the things that he has always said was he was going to move away; he’d say that he hated his job and wanted to quit, but he could not quit because the place would fall down without him. He needs a change and people are flirting with him now. This was all very confusing to me.Now that I have been reading about this disease I see signs.

I feel robbed. It was like something was lurking and I didn't see it, because I did not know to look for it, but I knew something wasn't right. Never knew it was there and it robbed me and I could do nothing to stop it. I did not have the tools or the knowledge to stop it or prevent it.

Instead of having kids now, I am getting a divorce trying to figure what happened.

It is probably best that I did not end up pregnant and I know I would have taken on most of the responsibility.

I spent 14 years with him and have forgiven and rebuilt trust on many occasions, and now he is gone. I know it is probably better, but just does not help much right now. My heart has not caught up with my mind yet. Everything is still raw with the pain of losing a person you loved so much. My future was just ripped out under me. I was really trying so hard to get us to marriage counseling because this could have been easily worked out and we really could have acquired new skills of interacting.

He has completely cut me and all his responsibilities out of his life. He took all his clothes and hasn't been back since August 1. Doesn't get his mail . In a July email at the beginning of all of this, said he would come by once a week to mow and do anything other that I asked by only wanted to talk about the divorce. I haven't asked him to do anything.

Said he would care for his dogs financially and wanted a relationship with them in the future, but no on his dating profile he no longer has any. Has not asked about them or anything else and he absolutely loved his dogs.

So within 3 1/2 months he is now on dating websites. But yet at one point he was considering talking to a therapist with me. His parents were trying to get him to go to counseling and whatever would come of the session there was an attempt to save the marriage. He never told me that he did not want to do counseling, just told me he needed time to think.

How can you just forget and get over 14 years with someone in like 12 weeks? Once I found him on the dating websites I told him I was done. There is a part of me that feels like I just gave up too easy. He's possibly undiagnosed, and has no idea other than what his mother may has said to him. So many people stay and it works out. His mother told me I need to move on. She has no idea how long this manic state will last. She said what he did was disrespectful, embrassing and his dating profile was very narrsisitic and I deserve better.

Now we are beginning email conversations about the divorce and what is heartbreaking is I get immediate responses about the divorce, but not during the time I was trying to save the marriage.

He has treated me very cold and with such disdain and I never once in a million years would have saw this from him.

I just keep wondering if his mindset was completely clear would he still want this? That is what I have a hard time with the most.
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Re: Possibly undiagnosed bipolar addicted husband filed for divo

Postby tallis » Thu Nov 08, 2018 6:30 pm

Hugs to you. It sounds like its been a very rough ride lately.
What kept coming back to me, when I was reading your post, about his actions, was it sounded an awful lot like the effects of meth. You didn't name the stimulant medication, but I know that a lot of times children are treated with amphetamine for ADHD. And being the unfortunate family member of someone who was addicted to meth, thats what I was reminded of. If you've known /been with him for 14 years I would think you would know his moods/patterns if he was bipolar, and from what you said , it sounds like the problems really started after he started the med.
if the stimulant med is "meth like" it would explain the lack of sleep, starting projects, rambling, not making sense, grandiose thoughts, hyper sexuality, psychotic behavior, etc. Don't get me wrong, those could be a sign of mania from bipolar, I just think that it's more likely you would have been dealing with a lot more instability over the last 14 years. It sure sounds like its being caused by the meds.
That said... I don't have any advice, other than, to give you huge hugs and to tell you to stay strong, I hope you find some peace.
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Re: Possibly undiagnosed bipolar addicted husband filed for divo

Postby realityhere » Thu Nov 08, 2018 8:37 pm

Hi nic123,

So sorry you're experiencing such a sudden change in your marital relationship.

It seems that your husband has some kind of drug addiction going on, and the abusive use of a mix of meds, alcohol, marijuana wax and CBD oil vaping, etc clouds whatever disorders he may have. No doctor should diagnose him with any disorder until he gets off all drugs or substances, legal or otherwise. Med/ substance abuse can temporarily alter a person's personality and mimic symptoms of some disorders. Until your husband attends rehab for substance addiction and stays off the drugs/alcohol, there's really no way for a doctor to make a clear diagnosis for an underlying disorder.

Ofc this means your husband has to realize he has major problems with med/substance abuse and be willing to go to rehab and counseling for his addictions. As you've said there likely is going to be no "hitting bottom" for him, as his family covers for him and he works for the family business. He's slapping all the blame for his marital issues on you and not looking squarely at the mess he's created for himself.

It's good that you're seeing a therapist. You've sought ways to save the marriage by seeking marriage counseling and rebuilding trust a number of times. But ppl do have their limits as to how much stress they can handle, and you yourself are recognizing that you have limits on how to deal with someone gone out of control.

As for your last question, if your husband was sober, would he still want the divorce? Hard to say, but it seems he's burned his bridges already and there may be no way back. I have a question for you-- say he does get sober and stays sober, would you take him back after what he put you through?
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Re: Possibly undiagnosed bipolar addicted husband filed for divo

Postby nic123 » Sun Nov 11, 2018 2:31 am

The drug is Adderall XR.
He was given the medication from his doctor after he told him he was ADD; diagnosed as a child. I did not believe there was any testing done two years ago; just a conversation. My husband does over take his meds as he would run out. As for seeing signs before, Bipolar, was never on my radar. I didn’t really know to look for it in him.

His mother told me she was not diagnosed with Bipolar disorder until she was in her 30’s.
If he does have Bipolar, I think the Adderall was the pill that unleashed the fury of the disease. On top of the or Marijuana dabbing, caffeine, nicotine and topical steroid, I’m sure these play a factor as well.

Good question @ realityhere
Yes, he does have addiction issues and sees me as all of his problems right now. I’m the enemy to him.I wasn' t doing enough to have a child with him. His mother said to me he has to have an enemy. At the beginning of the year she was the enemy, then it was someone at work and now it is me.

I agree I think his doctor should not be giving him the medication. As there has been no testing done on my husband, just a conversation. My husband has complained for years about getting back on ADD medicine. But he didn’t want to go to a psychiatrist. I finally just asked our GP if he could prescribe him the medication. he said yes. Now part of me feels responsible, but it is my husband responsibly to take correct dosage and to report his side effects. Which he does not do. Now I see the importance of going to a psychiatrist instead of a GP. If I could turn back time, I would have never asked our doctor.

I have read about Adderall and Marijuana and how it gives a euphoric high and Marijuana dabbing had double the potency of regular “flower” marijuana.
I asked my husband cut back on smoking pot or to go back to regular “flower” marijuana. He said he would have to quit smoking for a month to feel anything. This tells me his tolerance is high.
He used to drink everyday when we first started dating. Due to a second DUI . He said he did;t like the feeling of being hungover really did not drink much for several years. Recently this year he started drinking more again. Not everyday but it was becoming weekly, when it was maybe a handful of times a year. He started dabbing 2 years ago right before Adderall.

To answer your question, I know he would not do what needs to be done to stay healthy. If he ever did get sober, that would be far into the future. We are going through divorce processes now. So if he ever does, I won’t be around to see it.
A part of me just wants to hear from others in this forum community, if all of that is in person’s system plus then incorporate possible undiagnosed mental illness, I would think a person’s decision making is altered. Even if there isn’t a mental illness involved just an addiction, this would still alter decision making right?
I’m a very forgiving person, but yes bridges are burned and any trust is now gone.
Thanks for all of the feedback it is really helpful.
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