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Con-man - so surprised

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Con-man - so surprised

Postby SoSurprised » Sat Sep 01, 2018 6:05 am

I have been in a relationship with a man (I am a woman) since January 8, 2017. I was in a low spot, extremely vulnerable, in my life, so I can imagine why this man came into my life so willingly. The next thing I knew, when I was visiting Scotland and left him a key to work on some things in my home, he had moved in. I know, it sounds stupid. He could have continued living where he was (a rotten place) but he "just couldn't get along with his roommate any more.

I let him stay, I said, "Well, let's see how it goes."

So fast forward, he only had to pay only minimal rent cause I am generous (what he paid before with his roommate - $240.00 every other week - my total rent is $1,750 per month), and then he lost his job. I "understood" the reason why he lost his job (I still do to this day) and he didn't work for 6 months. I had major issues in my life and was pleased he was able to be at home. Then he did find a job. But he was becoming quirky. He was trying to manipulate my family in to loving him and I think he was realizing at least my brother and daughter weren't snowed.

In August, I made it clear that he had "borrowed" $5,000 from me (one day at a time, not all at once) and I expected him to pay it back. We had agreed that I would help him buy a Toyota truck, but he wanted to borrow money from me directly to buy it. I wouldn't allow him to get it from me directly. I told him we would borrow from the bank so he could get credit. He had pressured me for the truck for months on end prior to that. So went to the bank and he with zero credit was able to be a part of a loan I would use to purchase the truck.

He later said to me, I don't think I can pay you what I owe you and for the truck to. I won't have any money. I told him we would be able to work it out.

Its a long story, like all of these are. But here is what for me is different. The day he said he didn't thik he could deal with the debt we had a great day together. We played cards like we do, and watched movies and in a break I was headed to the bathroom and he followed me. I said, "Tell me you love me" and he said "no". I laughed and grabbed his belt and pulled him in and said, "Come on".

His face completely shifted and I will never forget the evil in his eyes and he pushed me hard against the door and said, "No one tells me what to do." Once I lnded on the floor he said, "We are done." I went to the bathroom and locked the door and he slammed against it and then began throwing things all over the house. I was lucky to get out to run to a neighbors who called the police, only because I could tell he was on the opposite side of the house. As I ran he said, "Yes, get the f... out of my house, or I am going to ...(kill?) you. I didn't hear the actual ending threat because I was already out of the house sobbing and running to my neighbors.

So, he went to jail for the weekend and is now on no contact protective order. I have all of his crap in my house which I need to get out of here. Etc.


Questions for anyone
1. .....he was always the sweetest man I had ever met. He never raised his voice with me. But then he snapped. He not only threw me against the door but he destoryed 1/2 of the things in my house that ment anything to me - including throwing the patio furniture over the deck. I want to know if there is any one else who has had this happen.
2......I also want to know if their sexual life was like mine, once he "fell in love" he said he just couldn't have sex with me because I was so important. He said that women whom he didn't love were conquests but since he loved me he couldn't intimacy with me. Anyone? I can't find anything on the internet who discusses this. Why would he choose not to have sex with me? What causes a narc/sociopath to do such a thing?
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby NevaCroix » Sun Sep 09, 2018 1:13 am

Are you sure that he is a sociopath / a narcissist?
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby RkC » Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:00 pm

Anyone? I can't find anything on the internet who discusses this. Why would he choose not to have sex with me? What causes a narc/sociopath to do such a thing?


It's a power play. "Give a wolf a taste then keep him hungry". Truth is he didn't want to have sex with you. But don't take it personal as sex for men like that is a means to an end rather than something they actually enjoy.

The violence was weird. Maybe he has some sort of trauma about people telling him what to do and you triggered it. Perhaps he was done using you for personal gain, although this doesn't explain him getting triggered.
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby Absinthe » Sun Sep 09, 2018 3:34 pm

SoSurprised wrote:The next thing I knew, when I was visiting Scotland and left him a key to work on some things in my home, he had moved in.

A guy who you left a key with to do some work in your home moves in, and alarm bells aren't ringing for you? You need to work on boundary lines. It's not ok for someone to move into your home without your permission.

SoSurprised wrote:So fast forward, he only had to pay only minimal rent cause I am generous

Generous is not the word that comes to mind in your situation. Gullible, perhaps. You can't buy love, OP. Don't be so willing to loan people money and let them sponge off of you.

SoSurprised wrote:1. .....he was always the sweetest man I had ever met. He never raised his voice with me. But then he snapped. He not only threw me against the door but he destoryed 1/2 of the things in my house that ment anything to me - including throwing the patio furniture over the deck. I want to know if there is any one else who has had this happen.

He was sweet to get what he wanted from you. And he was making it clear that he was the only one who can make demands.

SoSurprised wrote: Why would he choose not to have sex with me? What causes a narc/sociopath to do such a thing?

He's definitely got something going on. It's possible that you were so willing to cave to his demands that he lost respect for you, so you were devalued.
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby ZombieZ » Sun Sep 09, 2018 4:21 pm

Questions for anyone
1. .....he was always the sweetest man I had ever met. He never raised his voice with me. But then he snapped. He not only threw me against the door but he destoryed 1/2 of the things in my house that ment anything to me - including throwing the patio furniture over the deck. I want to know if there is any one else who has had this happen.

Sounds like he was putting on an act to get into your life.


2......I also want to know if their sexual life was like mine, once he "fell in love" he said he just couldn't have sex with me because I was so important. He said that women whom he didn't love were conquests but since he loved me he couldn't intimacy with me. Anyone? I can't find anything on the internet who discusses this. Why would he choose not to have sex with me? What causes a narc/sociopath to do such a thing?

Could be he was cheating on you, could be he devalued you like the other poster said, could be he got what he wanted from you, and it could also be a form of power/control. Let you know he controls everything including the sex, which is usually controlled by the woman.
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby xdude » Sun Sep 09, 2018 7:42 pm

Hi SoSurprised,

Just of my own thoughts for you -

First, if he has a cluster B personality (that includes NPD), then, it's not surprising that he lost interest in sex once the relationship took on some emotional significance. I mean yes, it's surprising if you don't have a cluster B personality, or haven't experienced this before, but for the cluster B type, it's common enough.

Second, yea it sucks, but based on what you wrote, my first thought is you two are coming at life, and this relationship, from entirely different angles. That's no fault on your part, his angle is an extreme one, and yours was too, but it's the more normal one, and so also harder to see what went wrong. By the way, normal means the 'norm', as in a larger percentage of people, but it doesn't mean anything else, like healthy, correct, etc.

Okay intellectual 3rd person perspectives aside:

Where is your head/heart at now?
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby SoSurprised » Tue Sep 11, 2018 3:42 am

NevaCroix wrote:Are you sure that he is a sociopath / a narcissist?



I have done a lot of reading on his symptomology. Initially, he told me he had IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). Well, no, he didn't actually tell me that. He said he was very emotionally abused as a child, by his father, who was an alcoholic. He signed up for the Army and that was "where he learned about a father figure". He regrest he didn't kill his father when he was a teenager, he has said that repeatedly, even to the psychiatrist whom we were seeing to treat his "sexual disfunction".
As a Narcissist, a personality disorder, he needed attention all the time, he needed control (we never watched any movies he didn't want to watch, which I always allowed because "what the hell, who cares?"), and always had to be "swell to everyone around him". He would make wonderful meals (the food I bought) and deliver them around the neighborhood "because that is what good neighbors do."

-- Mon Sep 10, 2018 8:48 pm --

It's a power play. "Give a wolf a taste then keep him hungry". Truth is he didn't want to have sex with you. But don't take it personal as sex for men like that is a means to an end rather than something they actually enjoy.

Wpw! That totally makes sense to me. He wasn't interested in sex, but knew that I very much was. He acted like he was into it, initally, but I think now, he just saw that as another way to keep me hanging. Begging for me (more or less), making him feel wonderful. Just giving me enough, but never enough. I even wrote in my journal early on that he didn't seem to have a connection during sex, but it didn't trigger anything in me because I figured he would come closer as our relationship developed. silly me

The violence was weird. Maybe he has some sort of trauma about people telling him what to do and you triggered it. Perhaps he was done using you for personal gain, although this doesn't explain him getting triggered.[/quote]

Yes, that is really weird. As I said, he had done nothing that was ever indicative of this, except he said that he "throws things" when he is mad. He only threw a wine glass and his headphones, on two different occassions, but neither of those actions seemed particularly suspect. I have a no contact Protection Order but the common person the judge has allowed us to communicate through said that I said something his father always said and it pissed him off. I said to anotaher friend, "What, tell me I love you" and my friend said, "Maybe his father used to make him do that.
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby SoSurprised » Tue Sep 11, 2018 3:52 am

I meant to give more information about IED. So, in an honest conversation, he said that he had a situation from 2003 to 2007 where he needed to get on proper medication. He was suicidal. He found the right solution which was effexor. He also said that he had suddent rage (he never said IED, that is my interpretion) but was on medicine for that as well.

Unfortunately, about 5 months ago he said he was no longer taking it because he had to always suddenly go to the bathrom due to it's side effects (and had already had his gallbladder removed) and was no longer going to take it "I don't need it any more". there was my little voice saying "Not while you are hanging out with me" but I didn't say it. I assumed, although it was never stated, that he thought things were going to be great because he and I had such an amazing fun relationship that he would no longer need it.

Again, stupid, oh, I don't need to be told, stupid, in deed.
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby SoSurprised » Tue Sep 11, 2018 4:03 am

Absinthe wrote:A guy who you left a key with to do some work in your home moves in, and alarm bells aren't ringing for you? You need to work on boundary lines. It's not ok for someone to move into your home without your permission.


They wre ringing, it bothered me. But he had met all of my friends and they loved him. I said, "I'm not sure about this" and they said "it will be ok". Believe me, he was an amazing charmer. So, the truth is, the last man I was with for 20 years turned out to be a total jerk, and they were so happy that I was with a nice person. Yes, my inner voice freaked out, but as I said, "let's try it for awhile." I bought into his BS.


[quote=]
Generous is not the word that comes to mind in your situation. Gullible, perhaps. You can't buy love, OP. Don't be so willing to loan people money and let them sponge off of you.[/quote]

I am to sure I was trying to buy his love. Well, I didn't think so at the time. Sitting back now, I know that I was being kind and considerate and generous to help out of his rotten situation. But after talking to the same friends who wre supportive of him moving in, they are stating "a man his age should have reached his potential, and he hadn't so that isn't a good thing, and he will never change" and "he should have stayed in jail a lot longer than a weekend becuase I have no patience with people who abuse others". Generous, yes I am. But gullible and trusting, that is also true. I have learned. I will not go back to a similar situation again. He is fortunately gone from my life, thank to the Judge giving a one year no contact protective order.

SoSurprised wrote:1. .....he was always the sweetest man I had ever met. He never raised his voice with me. But then he snapped. He not only threw me against the door but he destoryed 1/2 of the things in my house that ment anything to me - including throwing the patio furniture over the deck. I want to know if there is any one else who has had this happen.

He was sweet to get what he wanted from you. And he was making it clear that he was the only one who can make demands.

Yep. At the moment I was shocked and probably would have been an idiot and moved into the cyle of abuse had he not then destroyed 1/2 of the house. I might hve even justified that it was "just a mistake". I am fortunate he damaged so much in the house and got arrested, because now I can sit back and consider what happened and am safe and completely free of his manipulation

SoSurprised wrote: Why would he choose not to have sex with me? What causes a narc/sociopath to do such a thing?

He's definitely got something going on. It's possible that you were so willing to cave to his demands that he lost respect for you, so you were devalued.[/quote]

that is something to consider. Thank you.

-- Mon Sep 10, 2018 9:10 pm --

ZombieZ wrote:Questions for anyone
1. .....he was always the sweetest man I had ever met. He never raised his voice with me. But then he snapped. He not only threw me against the door but he destoryed 1/2 of the things in my house that ment anything to me - including throwing the patio furniture over the deck. I want to know if there is any one else who has had this happen.

Sounds like he was putting on an act to get into your life.

I agree. He was pretty darn good, and it could have lasted for years had he not gotten violent. He could have had anything because I enjoyed his company and could afford him. But I started to complain to him about not cleaning up after himself, paying me the money he owed me, drinking too much. Had he just figured out to be nice and not do those things, I think we could have lasted. That is how I believe he was a narcissist because he figured out his bluff was up . That me, my kids and my brother were no longer going to tolerate his cheery self with no other actions supporting the relationship.


2......I also want to know if their sexual life was like mine, once he "fell in love" he said he just couldn't have sex with me because I was so important. He said that women whom he didn't love were conquests but since he loved me he couldn't intimacy with me. Anyone? I can't find anything on the internet who discusses this. Why would he choose not to have sex with me? What causes a narc/sociopath to do such a thing?

Could be he was cheating on you, could be he devalued you like the other poster said, could be he got what he wanted from you, and it could also be a form of power/control. Let you know he controls everything including the sex, which is usually controlled by the woman.


He may have been cheating. It didn't seem so. I tdidn't seem he had a lot of time t do so. But for him, cheating can be just hanging out upstairs all night watching porn, or drinking or reading or whatever. Yes, the only time for sex was when I really pushed for it (he even cried one time and said he couldn't....which I thought was all about his sexual dysfunction, but no believe, may have been an act. Yep, we did not have a healthy sexual relationship. Perhpas he hated sex. Maybe he was abused as a child. Maybe he heard his father force sex on his mother. He i bi-sexual, that is something he told me, maybe he wants to "be" with women emotinally but has no desire for women sexually.
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby SoSurprised » Tue Sep 11, 2018 4:24 am

xdude wrote:Hi SoSurprised,

Just of my own thoughts for you -

First, if he has a cluster B personality (that includes NPD), then, it's not surprising that he lost interest in sex once the relationship took on some emotional significance. I mean yes, it's surprising if you don't have a cluster B personality, or haven't experienced this before, but for the cluster B type, it's common enough.

And I have learned much about this in the past three weeks. Do you have a resource that I can refer to about cluster B personality and them losinginterest in sex?

Second, yea it sucks, but based on what you wrote, my first thought is you two are coming at life, and this relationship, from entirely different angles. That's no fault on your part, his angle is an extreme one, and yours was too, but it's the more normal one, and so also harder to see what went wrong. By the way, normal means the 'norm', as in a larger percentage of people, but it doesn't mean anything else, like healthy, correct, etc.

Yes, I came at it from a "we'll be together forever" emotional statnce and he came at it from "we'll be forever together" from what he could "get" from me - which primarly was money. In retrospect that is what I see. Honestly, he said I was sweet, pretty, all the things I wanted to hear. But it began to change and I was "ballooning up" (getting fat) and I just didn't keep the house kept up. I was like, "I have other things to do, if you need the house to be cleaned, you are more than welcome to do so." His response was that I could hire a cleaning company. I didn't see those as put downs at the time. Just disagreements, because he was always calm when these things were stated. But ow I see he was controlling and manipulative. As long as he didn't have to really do anything, he was completly cool with it.

Okay intellectual 3rd person perspectives aside:

Where is your head/heart at now?


thank you for asking. I am much better. Yes, I was in shock and surpirse. Startled that I actually had been so engulfed in such a relationship. I had recently come into some extra money so his "borrowing money" wasn't a big deal for either of us, but he said he ws good for it and I was holding him to it. When he said he didn't think he could do it, he didn't hear me say, "OK, let's just blow off your debt." What I said was, we'll work it out.

But that doesn't answer your question. My head is in a much better place. I have had support from friends and family, but am so grateful that you and all have written me back because I need to competely cleanse from this.

Its super complicated. Because all of his junk is in my house (a rental) I have to figure out how to get it to a storage place, fix the walls and doors he damaged, move out of here, and find a new jobin a new town. There is supposed to be "restitution" for his criminal act but the court hasn't even contacted me to find out what those costs are, although I have called five times in two weeks. I am also going to admit now, for all the world to see, that I screwed up by giving him a 1992 honda I owned so he didn't have to live on the street, when he got out of jail. Now I'm freaked out that he is going to kill someone in an accident and I will be liable. Yes, I have an attorney now Sigh. Iknow I am way more fortunate than other people who don't have an immediate onset of abuse and it just grows insideously over the years. I'm fortunate it isn't far far worse.
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