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Con-man - so surprised

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

Moderators: mark1958, xdude

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby SoSurprised » Tue Sep 11, 2018 4:45 am

I have to apologize that many of my recent posts are within the quotes of other posters, so it is confusing. I am new to the forum so haven't figured out it's "ins and outs". Please read the quoted posts and I think you will find many of my comments in bold. Thank you all again for caring and responding!
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Re: Con-man - so surprised

Postby xdude » Tue Sep 11, 2018 10:57 am

Hey SoSurprised,

I don't have any article or book to suggest, though a search of the internet may turn up some thing. But if you've been reading here as long as I have, it's common enough to read that once the relationship reaches a point of becoming more serious, more emotional, that some people with cluster B personalities feel a need to run.

I'd only be guessing at his underlying emotional state, or intellectual reasoning, because people with cluster B personalities do vary somewhat, and he may not know exactly why either. Yea, that's the thing. He really may not know himself, or be unable to put it into words.

I do think you're now seeing more clearly, that the relationship was, or had become, predominately about 'utility' for him, while for you, I believe you were driven by the growing emotional attachment to him. Okay to be fair, we are all driven to some degree by 'utility', the facts of life, but it goes to an extreme in some, and it hurts to realize that when coming at it from the point of view of strong emotional attachment. The 'I love being with you' versus 'I love what you do for me'.

It's harsh to see, but at least you are disentangling yourself now. For whatever it's worth, he probably did have some emotional attachment to you, but if he is a cluster B type, it's also impossible for him to just flip a switch, and change. Change is possible, but it would mean he has to want to change, and then many years of work, or a lifetime of working on it. He may never reach a point of wanting to change. It's hard to let go of hope and just see what is when in love.

What is important is that you take care of you now, so you can enjoy your life again.
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