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What did I just experience?

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What did I just experience?

Postby Nomudnolotus » Fri Jul 13, 2018 9:25 pm

New here and in need of educated opinions, not a dx...boyfriend of 9 ms , him 59 me 50...me divorced 2 years, was cheated on for 10 years , x led a double life, I had no idea...him divorced 15 years..question if he is BPD or Npd...hints...loved me at 3 ms..gave a candle first date, called texted consistently, perused and licked me in, said we r exclusive after 2nd date..very respectful, doesn't drink, both had chemistry and it moved fast..was 100% focused on me and if felt great..then jealousy, angry if texting my teens, angry if a man approached me while out, told me I was love of life, sent love songs all time, bought exp. gifts, 3 trips, offered to pay my phone bill, ez pass, ...quiet time together on weekends...sex was normal, did spank though and always on top...away out of country he got jealous and threw me against wall and called me a bitch, said I pushed his buttons, sorry but I made him do it, and not abuse...went silent..pulled away..workaholic, obsessed w money, steals napkins from Starbucks, eats only protein bars, 2 a day, is a rock climber, hates crowds, quit therapy after 4 visits, caught in some lies...accuses me of getting back w my ex husband, no more flowers, told me he was busy and how dare I crucify him for not being the same, talks in 3rd person at times, gets angry and says horrible things and claims to forget what said bc I get him so worked up..basically stopped being romantic, caring, stopped saying I love u in last month, said too busy, doesn't have an ex paying his bills, told me to f off...this man also called his 16 year old daughter the c word 10 years ago and I made him apologize and make things right...obsessed with money, is an educated engineer, builder and works for himself.has very few friends...told me I was his gift from.god and he adores me...no longer..i don't even know who he is...was lying naked next to him last time at his house and no kiss or hug or anything...i left the next day and said I knew he was not into me snymore...he denied and claimed busy...building a million dollar house can't afford, to get his grown kids back in his eorld...he obsesses, then jumps to next thing...wakes up middle night in startled way...fast heartbeat.
Jealousy, anxiety, anger, had a facelift and breast reduction...didnt admit it..obsessed w looks and image..but I can't buy him clothes bc that means um trying to change him....what the hell is this ??
I'm hot, don't need a man like this but.that sweet soft side got me good...please weigh in...i called him a classic narcopath....he hung up on me...
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Re: What did I just experience?

Postby xdude » Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:00 am

Hey Nomudnolotus,

We aren't able or qualified to diagnose, so all you will get is guesses. Your guess is as good as any.

That written, just from my own experience, men can have both NPD and BPD traits. They are very related, just that the NPD way is the expected social norm for us guys.

Also just a personal opinion, so not fact, while sociopathy is related, I didn't really read anything that made me think sociopath (you wrote Narcopath, which is a pop term for NPD + Sociopath type).
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Re: What did I just experience?

Postby Nomudnolotus » Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:55 am

Yes i was including the socio element as well only bc he is just off, he kicked his dog during one of our arguments, and I am a breast cancer survivor who had to have recon, and he told me he would prefer smaller softer breasts if he had a choice...found it v disturbing....
Thanks 4 your imput...i wish I could just move on but I want closure on what the hell that relationship was....to me it was everything, and now it seems I was played and blamed.
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Re: What did I just experience?

Postby xdude » Sat Jul 14, 2018 11:34 am

Hmm, yea, well cruelty to animals, especially a pet, don't know what to make of that.

The cluster B types can display mixes of all the traits though, so it really would require a professional to sort out a diagnosis. Regardless...

Understandable why you want to know, to figure it out. I think almost everyone goes through this. If we can figure out a diagnosis, it might help us to review everything that happened, to see all of that clearly from a new perspective. It often does help to a degree.

Problem is that even after figuring that out, many people here have written, I still can't get over it. I am going to assume he has a cluster B personality as you surmised, and if so, it's as you wrote. Everything starts out so ideal, it's very hard to accept what happens after that. If it was just that the idealization toned down, that would be one thing, but it's not that.

It's very hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through it, the psychological abuse, the personality changes, the devaluation, the self-esteem damage. It happens in a way that it's hard to know what is true, to even know, is this abuse?

If you find that you are still not able to heal, then no shame in speaking with a therapist. That is something others needed too, before they could fully move forward.

Something we write about here too - for some people there is no moving forward until they also turn the finger from them to self, to ask the tough questions like 'why did I not see the red-flags?', 'why did I fall for the idealization so quickly?', 'why did I hang in there even when the relationship hurt more than it felt good?', 'what was I hoping this other person was going to be?', in short - what was my part of this relationship?

Anyway, feel free to write as you need here.

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