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No boundaries

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No boundaries

Postby marthabrawne » Fri Jun 29, 2018 12:04 am

My mom and I are very close, possibly enmeshed. She even lived with me in my dorm room (a single) all of last year (I'm 21, female by the way). We shared a twin bed and and she even ate from the dining halls and used the showers. She was only planning to stay a couple of nights but she never left. I tried my best to keep her hidden (sneaking her up food from the dining halls, making sure no one was in the bathroom, etc.). It was real life arrested development!

The reasons are complicated. For one, she is basically homeless and doesn't have a job at the moment. We were living with her friend for a while, but she finally kicked us out after 2 years of living there rent free. On the other hand, my mom believes she is living in my dorm because she is helping me with my depression and ADHD. She sees this as a great act of self-sacrifice on her part.

There are legit no boundaries with us. For instance, when I was first going through puberty (about 13 years old), she asked me to undress for her so she could see how I was developing "down there" (not in a sexual way). I got embarrassed and said "no" and she freaked out. She forced me to lay down on the bed and screamed at me and continued to undress me. She then straight-up washed me in the shower while I cried. She kept screaming at me for "lying" and "hiding" things about my physical development from her (this wasn't sexual, she was just super angry).

We are enmeshed in other ways too. I'm not complaining because I have been very complicit in all of this. We shared a bed throughout much of high school (due to messiness/horading). We share all our clothes, money, passwords. We even share a phone right now (for financial reasons). She even used to do my homework for me (I'm so ashamed of this, more than anything else I think). She regularly checks my email and bank accounts. She tells me all about her marriage woes and about how my dad won't have sex with her anymore. She forced me to be present at every fight she had with my father. She said it was because she needed a witness (even though she was the physically violent one). The fights were horrendous and would definitely count as abuse if the genders were reversed. Afterwards, she would wail like an infant and order me to insult my dad in all sorts of ways. She used to have me call people like my grandparents and aunts and uncles and (informally) testify against him. She has said that I'm the only person in her life that cares about her, which sadly may be true.

Sorry I know it sounds like I'm just complaining. But I needed to get it off my chest. 'm an adult now and I have CHOSEN to live like this. I don't mean to complain. Just share. I actually think a lot of this is hilarious.

BTW, she is very supportive and loving toward me much of the time. Sometimes like I have no right to confront her because last year I was very depressed and I almost had a psychotic episode (was diagnosed bipolar actually).
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Re: No boundaries

Postby bunnyhabit » Fri Jun 29, 2018 9:58 am

i only have one question how do you handle boyfriends with her clinging to you like this? i am assuming you are heterosexual. i surely could never handle your lifestyle. you are truly a saint to care about your mom in the many ways you have experienced.
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Re: No boundaries

Postby Wally58 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 10:47 am

I know of a family with a similar dynamic. It is almost (well probably is) Munchausen-by-proxy.
The mom keeps the adult children in her apartment and is convinced that they are all ill and can't cope without her. At this stage of the children's lives and development, they probably could not make it on their own. It began with mom's own mental illness years ago.
She is so wrapped up in her kid's illnesses, that she cannot acknowledge her own.
She keeps all of them going to doctor's/specialist's appointments for really undefined multiple diagnoses (CFIDS, depression, etc) and they are on many different prescription medications. I certainly can understand depression in this situation.
The apartment and car are a hoarder's delight and are filthy. You can't see through the windows. The dogs and cats add to the mess. She is always too tired to clean up anything. Always eating fast food because the kitchen is not accessible.
Evictions are always a crisis as their belongings aren't organized or catagorized in any way as they are moved to the curb for disposal by the landlord.
She has lost so much, so much cannot be found. I wouldn't begin to know where to look for anything. Important papers and even whole laptops are just plain missing.
The daughter went to live with her father and tried to hold a job and own a car once, but is really trained to be helpless and dependent on the mother.
It is a sad situation and the mom is the reason why. I'm helpless and can only watch this slo-motion meltdown as it progresses. Mom cannot be reasoned with and gets angry if you try to tell her what you see. Please consider finding a solution and escape to this situation for your own sake.
Best of luck to you. :D
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Re: No boundaries

Postby BadShrimp » Fri Jun 29, 2018 8:52 pm

Think of the positive. At least you have a mom who loves you.
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Re: No boundaries

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Sat Jul 07, 2018 3:10 am

Some professionals call this emotional incest.

Even if you're semi ok with it now, it will eventually blow up.
You dont know any different but you will miss out on a lot.

Nobody can make you do anything but seeking out a professional to talk to on a regular basis is important.
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