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I triggered my BPD bf, and I think I keep making it worse

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

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I triggered my BPD bf, and I think I keep making it worse

Postby AnotherOddity » Wed Jun 13, 2018 10:13 am

5 days ago I sent my boyfriend (who has BPD) a message which he misinterpreted and it triggered him, and he has hardly spoken to me since. For a few days I avoided saying anything because I thought it would make it worse, but then I was worried about the distance growing between us and I tried to explain that I didn't mean it the way he interpreted my message.

This, amazingly, did seem to help mildly and he at least talked to me, briefly, but he is still pushing me away. I desperately want to see him, because when we're together he finds peace, but when we spend any time apart he gets overwhelmed. This is by far the longest we've been apart.

I've tried to remain understanding and supportive, but I've been secretly crying and feeling a lot of pain, and today I told him that I was struggling emotionally. I realised later that it could have made him feel worse, so I added that I am still here for him. Now I just feel that I am bombarding him with messages. I have no idea what to do or not do. I feel like I am just making a mess.

I'm worried he will keep pushing me away. I would turn up on his doorstep but I don't think he would like that at all. I just feel like the longer he stays away from me, the less chance our relationship has of recovering. I love him and I understand BPD (as much as a person without BPD can), I want to support him but he won't let me.

What can I expect? What should I do?

He has a gig next week and we had talked in length about how much he wanted to share it with me, and how great it was going to be for me to be there to support him. We talked about how me being there would help him overcome his anxiety and deal with the "come down" after he performed. Now I'm not even sure if I should go. If he wants me there. It's such a mess. I just want this behind us. Please help.
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Re: I triggered my BPD bf, and I think I keep making it worse

Postby shock_the_monkey » Wed Jun 13, 2018 12:38 pm

it's difficult to add much to this without any idea of what the message was and how he misinterpreted it.

as for the gig, go anyway. you can always leave if needs be.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: I triggered my BPD bf, and I think I keep making it worse

Postby AnotherOddity » Wed Jun 13, 2018 12:47 pm

I was sick and not thinking straight and made a dumb comment about his son's interests. My boyfriend took it as an insult about his parenting which I didn't mean at all but I can see how he interpreted that way because it was sloppily worded. So it was a major trigger and sent me from being his rock and constant support to bring his accuser (in his mind).

A few days later I finally sent him an email trying to explain the true intention of my message and also saying that I understood how it came out all wrong. He said he wanted to tell me why it upset him so much, but he didn't have the energy. I told him I wanted to hear him.

That was 2 days ago and we still haven't talked. Tonight he told me it was "work" trying to reassure me off something he didn't see as a problem.

But it's clear to me that it is a problem and he's so cold and detatched right now, I don't know what to do.
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Re: I triggered my BPD bf, and I think I keep making it worse

Postby shock_the_monkey » Wed Jun 13, 2018 5:39 pm

just reiterate how sorry you are, that you didn't mean any harm by it and that you hope he'll forgive you. he's obviously very hurt by this and doesn't want anything to remind him of that hurt. as such, you need to let it go and hope that he will too.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: I triggered my BPD bf, and I think I keep making it worse

Postby xdude » Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:15 pm

I think it's doubly hard with BPD to get past these events, because besides the initial reaction, there is the facing 'I over reacted' part, which is very hard for them to do, as that is another self-esteem blow.

So yes, you can reiterate, let it go, and hope he does too.

The downside is each time this pattern occurs, it sets a precedent for next time it happens, and it will. Sadly then for partners of people with BPD it can feel like a no win, and so they often end up needing some therapeutic support of their own.
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Re: I triggered my BPD bf, and I think I keep making it worse

Postby Blanche3 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 7:21 am

All you can do is wait for them to see the light or continue their own narrative.

Its a 50\50 IMHO. sadly. there is no logic or reasoning as you would a non BPD person. Their view is skewed by extremes and all you can do is wait.

Im going through this is with a GF of 4 months. Broken up 5-6 times already.

Many convos with her getting angry and lashing out completely in the overreacting scale - and usually it follows up with a sorry when they cool off - but Ive noticed there are sometimes ( like what Xdude said ) the ones when they go off extra deep ( break up) - it takes some time due to the swallowing of pride. shame - self esteem - too much work to face it aka forgetting you is easier. etc.

Each time i just say im not mad, i love her, im here when you ready. after the first 2 times i guess im now always ready for her not to ever reply ever again. Wish it wasnt true for such a beautiful romantic love but hey...such is the nature of these disorders.

like what an author of a BPD site said - this usually ends in one of two ways...
you get killed off due to comitting an act of such heinous unforgivable nature in their minds...
or...
you eventually throw in the towel yourself.

Always a heartbreak......

Good luck - I wish you the best.
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