Our partner

Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

Moderators: mark1958, xdude

Forum rules
This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby Mumatthebeach » Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:46 pm

Hi, feel free to move this to a different forum. I've just been diagnosed with BPD and I had a thing with a man younger than me and I think he was a narcissist. I ended things very badly and moved to another town. Every so often I swear I see his car in my town or near my house. I'm guessing he will drive by for 3-6months. I'm back with my ex and we have kids and are happy again.

I went no contact and I guess I have to grin and bear it. Right? My parents are narcissists and my first boyfriend was. We did the PD dance - I realise now that I'm in counselling. With him, I got bored and left the country. It's been years and he never had another girlfriend. He turns up every few years and acts like nothing every changed between us - except I got married to a non and had a loving and supportive marriage and two well adjusted kids! I just ignore him and he goes away for another 5 years.

My question: this New NPD ex is handsome, wealthy, and rich. Does he want vengeance? How long will this take? Is he going to show up as my boss in 10 years? I've changed my hair colour and gained 10 pounds. I'm hoping he'll drive by one of these days and be repulsed.

To help explain, when we first met I took his breath away and since I liked him instantly, I flirted with him. He just reminded me of my dad - but my dad has boundaries. Both of my parents will do the rage thing, gaslight, etc, but I usually explain my boundaries and/or rage back and then explain that I love them but that I'm going no contact for a bit. When I get back in touch, they are very loving and reasonable again. When I cancelled our first date due to my kids having a tummy bug - dude, I've got kids- he raged at me and scared my kids. The next day I ended things via text message but I wasn't very polite. I followed up with an apology explaining I was mentally ill and I wished him well. I moved the next week.

Then the stalking began. Any insight? My therapist says that I will never understand what is going on in his brain because he doesn't. Is this true?
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:34 am
Blog: View Blog (1)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby xdude » Sat Mar 03, 2018 1:33 pm

Hey Mumatthebeach,

So some pointed questions/thoughts -

Get the BPD/NPD dance. It was probably intense, and fatal, because that's how that dance goes.

Hard question, but are you really over it, or is part of you still emotionally involved with this ex on some level?

People with NPD do not like losing, including losing 'property' they have cultivated. So while he might show up at some point in the future, really, if that happens, it will just come down to what you communicate. If you communicate we are really done, that's one thing. If you communicate there is still a chance, that's another. Do you know what you will communicate should he pop up again in your future?
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7174
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 4:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby Mumatthebeach » Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:57 pm

Hey, thanks I know you are right. Just trying to get my life back - he did affect me. I cringe every time I
see him and I know it's a game for him. My therapist says I need to get myself back on track and then I won't care if he's around. Then it won't matter if he drives by my house forever, which might happen - OMG what? I'm also trying to cultivate compassion for him. He really can't help it. I'm starting to feel really bad for him. Normal people love, lose and pick themselves up again. Thanks again.

BTW, I've told my partner what happened now that we are back together and he doesn't believe me! He's a normal, caring guy and we've been together with some blips since I was 23. I think the reason my BPD hasn't gotten too destructive in my life is our relationship and the reason I've had a hard time in our relationship is the BPD. Anyway, he doesn't believe me that a man you just met could rage at you and then drive by your house when you aren't interested. He's never dated a narc!
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:34 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby Mumatthebeach » Thu Mar 08, 2018 9:25 am

Hey everyone reading this, I was just thinking about the whole not letting go in NPD or PD's at times. My first narc used to tell me once he slept with a someone that he felt entitled to sleeping with her or him for life and at any time he wanted. Of course, my BPD mind thought that was really cute! However, my normal mind thought that he was going to get done for stalking one day. I didn't have the heart to tell him because he seemed really oblivious to how the world worked and unable to navigate within it. And he did - two ex's got evidence together. So what goes around comes around!

-- Thu Mar 08, 2018 9:27 am --

Hey everyone reading this, I was just thinking about the whole not letting go in NPD or PD's at times. My first narc used to tell me once he slept with a someone that he felt entitled to sleeping with her or him for life and at any time he wanted. Of course, my BPD mind thought that was really cute! However, my normal mind thought that he was going to get done for stalking one day. I didn't have the heart to tell him because he seemed really oblivious to how the world worked and unable to navigate within it. And he did - two ex's got evidence together. So what goes around comes around!
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:34 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby xdude » Thu Mar 08, 2018 1:23 pm

I think a portion of the NPD belief system revolves around control, so I guess it's not surprising he thinks that way. 'I owned you, I controlled you, etc., once, so now I put you into my list of assets I've conquered.'

Of course it is not the way it really is (sort of, see below), but I I suppose in a NPD world it makes sense that some think it's the way it is.

But here is the funky thing about that -

This belief can appear to be a sign of 'confidence', and for those who are extremely attracted to confidence (or at least the appearance of), some people will overlook the grandiosity, and still end up compelled by a statement like that.

Not everyone, because there are plenty of others who cannot overlook the grandiose thinking, and they'd conclude something along the lines of 'geez, got self-esteem issues much?', but that doesn't matter to someone with NPD. Very easy to write that off, and focus on those who do approve of over-the-top grandiose confidence.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7174
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 4:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby Mumatthebeach » Fri Mar 09, 2018 2:39 am

Hey xdude, thanks for that explanation. I still have a long way to go to understand what happened to me with this person. More to discuss with my therapist. I was having a breakdown at the time and lots of other things happened with other people and with me. I still feel a little like I was hunted and attacked but I think he was just trying to date me in his own way - the manipulation (month's of 'bumping' into him in different places), the rage when I cancelled our first date (he got into his car and drag races on my street/area for 30mins- I thought he was going to kill us and my kids still can't sleep well at night because of the 'bad man in the car'), and stalking was to secure his supply and not to hurt me. I felt like I was dying inside, like I needed to run and never stop running. When a BPD mets a NPD! And I never once thought of calling the police. It was like no matter how much it hurt me that there was a script to follow and I just needed to grin and bear it. It was his script we were following and I'm so glad I moved! Grandiose thinking indeed.
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:34 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby Mumatthebeach » Thu Mar 15, 2018 10:21 pm

Hi everyone,

I thought I should update this post for the future and, if this person I thought had NPD, ever reads this!

BPD is a b&tch! It just breaks my heart - literally, every time I have an episode. It's like my heart breaks and shatters into a million pieces and then the beast comes out and it's nothing I can control but I'm hoping with therapy and proper drugs I can get better and function better.

So, during having a breakdown, finding out my daughter is disabled, separating from my husband, and having an epic massive PD fight with my sis (and if you have a PD and your sibling has a PD, you will know what I'm talking about), I meet a neighbor who I think is cool but reminds me of my father wNPD and my first boyfriend with wNPD and slowly I start to be convinced that this person is mega dangerous and might hurt me and I develop a inexplicable fear of him and his car! This fear is a so real but my hubby, my family, my friends and two therapists say it's just PTSD from all the abusive people I've know in my life; in the end it was just paranoia and pyschosis from the BPD! Then he starts to show up in places, there is weird miscommunication between us - meaning the 'date' or him coming over or what not, the drag racing - it was all too much so I 'end' things but what I really did, as I mentioned before, is send an agressive text accusing him of stalking me and telling him to leave me alone or else I would go to the police! Then I apologise and move. Every time I see a car that looks like his in my neighbourhood, I have panic attacks. I have a complete breakdown over Xmas and get diagnosed. I send another text explaining how ill I was and delete his number because the psychic tells me that I've been attacked on the third level by demons and I believe her! I really thought I was being attacked by demons. It felt so real.

Yesterday, I had enough of being scared of him. I needed to get my paperwork to my therapist from my old GP and I needed to pick up the post from the old house. So, I decide to see if I could talk to him too because he is young and could not be diagnosed with anything yet! I leave a note on his car and he calls me! Then I go to therapy. Here is the ending of a very scary time in my life. I'm glad I listened to my gut about him not having NPD because, really, how common can it be to meet so many people with NPD! It just isn't.

What my therapist says: I tell her about trying to talk to the guy. She says most of it was the PD and PTSD and that deep down I know that because I felt safe enough to go to his house. She also doesn't think there was much else and that I know it. The poor individual was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

What I say to the guy: I never though he was interested in me or obssessed with me or anything. When we met, he reminded me of two of my abusers and I was really, really scared of him and of his car. I explain that I was very ill and that I was grateful for him phone call and that I would never contact him again. He tells me it was really horrible - all the things I accused him of and I really try to explain to him that it had nothing to do with him but that I just was really, really ill.

Thanks everyone for supporting me and reading this! We were following a script but it was a BPD one. Ic can't say I would like to see this person again - like if I bump into him, I would still be scared but hopefully all the other stuff like anxiety won't follow or it might. One day at a time! I am trying to see things from his point of view too - he mets a person and is friendly (or maybe wants to get to know her better), things get weird and then get dark. One day at a time!
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:34 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby xdude » Fri Mar 16, 2018 12:09 pm

Hey Mumatthebeach,

Quite the revelation!

Yes, BPD is brutal, and having grown up with a parent who had all the traits, it's hard on the kids no matter what degree they adopt the same traits or other coping mechanisms. On the positive side, you have made a choice not everyone has the metaphorical 'balls' to do, to really work on it, so big kudos!

Something that 'they' (whoever they are) say is that we are often driven to repeat some pattern from our past, a do-over attempt, and so we can end up picking people who fill some role. Unfortunately, besides that do-overs don't work, is that we can end up taking something out on them that is unresolved (e.g., latent anger), try to fix/save them, try to control them, etc. To break that pattern, what does work, is to turn the focus from them to ourselves. Why are we doing this? Why did we choose them? What is really going on that drew me to this other person? Looks like you are doing that in spades!

On a personal level I believe I got involved with someone with HPD/NPD, but the real learning started, thanks to others who encouraged me to turn it around and question my own part, when I finally started questioning my own part and perception. I am not liking everything I see, but it has been far more enlightening than trying to figure someone else out.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7174
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 4:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby Mumatthebeach » Sat Mar 17, 2018 5:04 am

Hi Xdude,

All good questions and I will take them to my session next week. I have gotten two things out of the encounter. Good and bad. The bad is that I put another person and his family through stress and worry. I probably hurt his feelings too, which that bit is still hard to comprehend as I'm working on my cognitive empathy. The good is that I got some closure - but it seems a hard price to pay for hurting another person. My therapists says that I projected all my abusers into him- and there have been many. At the end of our conversation yesterday, I said take care and he said 'I think you need more care then I do. God bless you!' It was so out of character for who I thought this person was - not that I knew him st all. He might have been flippant, or joking, or just didnt have anything else to say but it was an 'Aha' moment for me. Yes, I need to care for myself and getting compassion from him was strangely freeing because no one else whoever abused me has ever thought about me let alone showed me any compassion.

Thanks everyone for reading this.
Mumatthebeach
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:34 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Question about ending a relationship with a pwNPD

Postby xdude » Sat Mar 17, 2018 1:19 pm

Whatever his motives, nothing wrong with wishing someone well after a difficult breakup, and to wish that they do well going forward.

Good to read you are growing from this experience too Mum.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7174
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Mon Dec 17, 2018 4:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 9 guests