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What disorder is that?

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.

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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

What disorder is that?

Postby netde08 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 5:33 pm

Hi all,

Me and my ex-boyfriend have broken up three months ago, and I've started to move on since. However, I think I might have been for a year and a half with a person who had huge personality disorders , and I'm asking more by curiosity than by trying to change anything about the situation.
Here's the thing: I had discovered that he had lied to me for about 3 weeks about leaving Australia because of his father's death (he was not from Oz), his mother needing a liver and a kidney transplant, him getting a kidney removed for his mom, and even attempting suicide after this. I discovered this was all b.s after calling a mutual coworker who had seen him at work.. the day before!! lol. That being a dealbreaker for me (I mean, who on earth, would lie about such things?), we broke up. Obviously, he served me another lie as an "explanation" to why he did this (first didn't want to talk to me when I discovered his b.s) that made him look like he got no choice to do it. He then blamed me for everything that was (supposedly..) happening in is life, and yelled at me to leave him alone. Which I did. Not even one day after the breakup, he blocked me almost everywhere, while I wasn't even trying to contact him.
A week after that, my mutual co-worker and friend, asked me about that, and she told me that he also used to make up stories at work.. like showing them a "picture" of his dad when he was young, while it was obvious it was a pic taken on the internet, some big celebrity from his country (he did the same to me when his father was "dead" ha ha... I had a doubt cause I knew how his father really looked like). He would tell them he's from Dubai when he's from Pakistan, say his father is a top businessman from there, while he just has a small factory in Pakistan, that kind of stuff and other that I probably can't imagine.
When I tried to gently confront him with the fact that he may have a problem with lying, he acted like if he didn't understand what I was talking about, saying something like "nobody got any place in my world".So weird, right? After that, he blocked me everywhere, so that I couldn't contact him, but I mean, I wasn't even trying to get him back or anything, just wanted him to realize this is not a normal attitude.
Since then, I never got a text, a message, an email, a letter, no explanation, even just as to why he wanted to end up things with me, not an apology for his behaviour. He just "erased" me from his life like we never existed, after 1 year and half of relationship. Mr "I want to get engaged" became mr ghost. I tried to contact him a month after that about something that had nothing to do with us, or me, but even just for an info I didn't get any reply.
Just so you know, the time we had been together he acted like a guy who really loved his gf he stayed with me during hard times etc. And as by magic, 2 days after I had left the country (I'm not from Oz either), he started his crazy lies. I now guess he had planned to dump me way before but man, what a way to split up!
I did some research on Internet, and I think that he may be what is called a pathological liar (I've also discovered that he probably made up a fake maths contest certificate that never existed and that he never won lol) . But thinking about his behaviour from a distance, I think that he also may have other issues. He used to spend like 5 to 6 days a week at gym, was I think kinda "obssessed" with his looks, was sometimes trying to behave like someone he's not to fit in a group of people (he got many Saudi friends, and was pretending he was an Arab, while he really isn't :lol: ) that kind of stuff... He wants people to need his help and look up to him I think, and he's definitely not as confident as he pretends to be. And the way he ended up things with me also conforts me in thinking that this isn't the reaction of someone sane of mind. You don't lie and cut someone off, without an explanation, if they didn't do anything wrong.
I am way better off without him, of course, and for nothing in the world want to get back with him ever, but I am right saying he's probably a liar and a narcissist? If so, what could cause that? Do those people ever realize they have an issue?
Cheers
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Re: What disorder is that?

Postby xdude » Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:19 pm

Hey netde08,

We aren't professionals and cannot diagnose here. Your guesses are as good as any, and really, a diagnosis only matters so much. That written...

Whatever is behind it, those are some extreme stories he made up.

I think all you really need to know is -

1.) He wanted something from you, and used lies to get it. Those lies played on your sympathy, and perhaps he was hoping to impress you too.

2.) He may have deep self-esteem issues, so lied to himself, or he might just be the type who goes through life conning others. That happens too.

Either way, yea, not a healthy relationship. He is the only one can make the choices that would need to be made for him to change. There is nothing you can say or do that will alter the thinking of someone who has decide that truth is unimportant, who alters truth in pursuit of fulfilling their wants. Logical/Honest discussion is off the table from the start, so all you can do is avoid getting sucked into his alternate reality, a reality that may benefit him, but would hurt you.
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Re: What disorder is that?

Postby netde08 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 7:51 pm

Hello xdude,

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate.
all you can do is avoid getting sucked into his alternate reality

That's exactly what I'm doing, nothing good could happen to me with someone like this. I shared my story because I was honestly (and still am) shocked that something like this could happen to me. I mean, I guess it can happen to anyone, but being someone who usually doesn't trust people easily, it feels weird to "wake up" one day and realize you have been played all that time, and that you actually don't know the person you were in love with. Guess finding out was a sign that we weren't meant to be. Good it happened now rather than when we'd be engaged.

At first, I felt pity for him that he felt he had to lie like this, I wanted to help him even though he hurt me, but I quickly realized if he's been able to go so far, he wouldn't change (and as he wouldn't admit he had a problem.. I'd waste my time with someone who doesn't deserve my attention)

I actually think he had a "plan" all along, at least during the last month I was with him. He started to be more distant, not as affectionate as usual, told me it was because of his father asking him to come back home "for good" as he was appearently very sick..., guess it was more about me, and then once I was gone, he started his crazy machinery...

I still don't understand why instead of telling me like, "ok I don't to continue" or "as we gonna be in long distance now, I don't think it's gonna work", or whatever, he invented those crazy stories (and played on the fact the I trusted him)... what could he get from it? He would have probably ended up telling me he was dead or something? I mean there are easiest ways to get rid off someone.. (for the record, he also pretended to be his siter texting me while he was at "hospital" :lol: :lol: )
The only answer to his behaviour I got was "I hurt you because I am hurt and I need to hurt someone" (relating to the b.s explanation he gave me when confronted..). So, I am your gf and you choose to hurt ME? really?

I would have never imagined that the guy I trusted for a year and a half, took the mask off and appeared to be.. a monster. After it was over, all the memories I got felt like it was all a dream, I started to question what was true or wasn't.
I'll never get the explanation, and even if I did, it would probably be made up stories again... So I'm fine with it. I got the answer by myself: he had the choice, between telling me the truth about whatever was going on in his mind and life, or lying and disrespecting me. He chose the second. That's all.

It was the very first relationship I was in, so it was a really tough experience for me to go through. Even though I know I deserve to be in an honest, balanced, healthy relationship, that kind of experience really put me down, I started to doubt about everything: the projects I have, the people surrounding me... myself. Even though I know I did nothing wrong, it still really "breaks" your confidence to feel like you're not even worth the truth, and not even worth an explanation. I don't know what hurt me the most between his lies, or his behaviour after I found out. But anyway, now it's past. I love myself enough to pick up the pieces, and will try to improve myself in every possible way, and to avoid making the mistake I made: putting my happiness in someone else's hands. But I still don't know if and when I'll be able to commit with someone again, and trust again.

I still wonder : do these people ever realize the damage they cause ? And what they lose ? Or it doesn't matter to them ?
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Re: What disorder is that?

Postby xdude » Thu Feb 08, 2018 1:45 pm

netde08 wrote:It was the very first relationship I was in, so it was a really tough experience for me to go through. Even though I know I deserve to be in an honest, balanced, healthy relationship, that kind of experience really put me down, I started to doubt about everything: the projects I have, the people surrounding me... myself. Even though I know I did nothing wrong, it still really "breaks" your confidence to feel like you're not even worth the truth, and not even worth an explanation. I don't know what hurt me the most between his lies, or his behaviour after I found out. But anyway, now it's past. I love myself enough to pick up the pieces, and will try to improve myself in every possible way, and to avoid making the mistake I made: putting my happiness in someone else's hands. But I still don't know if and when I'll be able to commit with someone again, and trust again.

I still wonder : do these people ever realize the damage they cause ? And what they lose ? Or it doesn't matter to them ?


This really is the truth. Regardless of the exact disorder, it is very true that a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder can take an extreme toll on the self-esteem of others, especially a romantic involvement.

You are asking the same questions so many have asked, and I've never read any definitive answer. There is no asking the person with the disorder, assuming they even know the answers.

I can only guess, and my guess is this -

For some personality disorders, much of the person's thinking is self-centered, and much of the rest is a result of this.

For example, all of us can understand wanting something, but odds are you are aware that just because you want something, it's just a want. It doesn't need to be fulfilled immediately, if ever. Odds are you are also aware others want things too, and if it's someone you care about, try to balance their wants with your own.

Imagine though if your own want of the moment is your entire universe, or nearly so. To be only dimly aware of others, because fulfilling your own wants is the highest, sometimes only, priority. Others are valued because they are part of fulfilling a want, but if a want is not being fulfilled, they are also expendable.

Unfortunately, if true, that is not going to leave you feeling better. It is still a massive self-esteem blow to realize we've fallen for someone that thinks so different about us than we thought/felt about them.

Do you have someone in real life you are able to speak with as you go through this? A close friend, family member, therapist, someone? Speaking about it versus trying to handle it entirely on your own can help.
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Re: What disorder is that?

Postby netde08 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 3:52 pm

Do you have someone in real life you are able to speak with as you go through this? A close friend, family member, therapist, someone? Speaking about it versus trying to handle it entirely on your own can help.


I do! Fortunately I have my two best friends who've been very patient with me, and who say they'll always be there for me, but you know, there's a moment you feel like they sort of get tired of your situation. I mean, they don't say it out loud, but for instance, at first they give you advice, they talk about it with you, and after a while, they show they "sympathize" with a i'm-sorry-for-you--smile but you can feel they don't really wanna talk about it. And yet, I would not spend hours talking about this, I talk about a lot of different stuff too, but I think it's more a societal expectation that one should be over a breakup after a while like two months is enough to be over it... Maybe that's valid for the people who experience a more "average" breakup, but when it's more traumatic, it takes a lot of time to heal.
At first I needed closure from him but I found closure by myself realizing I was not dreaming and he really got a serious problem. I feel much better now, of course there are some moments I wonder how everything could take this turn, but I am focusing on me now, not on what's past.
I just thought that there were maybe on this website people who've been through the same kind of stuff and who found ways to cope with it.
Imagine though if your own want of the moment is your entire universe,

that's why it is hard to understand. When you are an honest, compassionate person, you rarely imagine (even though everyone's aware there are some dishonest people in this world) that the person in front of you can be like this. It's hard , when you know the world doesn't revolve only around yourself, to imagine that some people believe the contrary.
Anyway, thanks again for the answers =)
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