Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Lo all I figured I would post a thread on this topic.

As a son of a narcissistic mother it can be very frustrating because the vast majority of the literature is focused on daughters of narcissistic mothers. While I understand that girls of narcissistic mothers face a whole range of complexities ranging from their mothers attempting to compete sexually with them, personal grooming, and "girl stuff" as sons of narcissitic mothers we also face our own range of complexities.

It may be possible that families need to be large enough or daughters in short enough supply for sons of narcissistic mothers to have the sort of serious wide ranging problems that daughters may have. I know in my (adopted) family there were four girls and three boys across a wide range of ages. The oldest girl was the first scapegoat (now dead) and then the third oldest girl was the second scapegoat, the youngest girl was the golden child but I as a son was also a scapegoat and I was adopted (perhaps to fill the role? who knows, gurg).

I know that other than the usual competition amongst siblings that the NM fostered and the outrageous double standard for the GC sister vis a vis the standard that everyone else faced, the single most infuriating form of sabotage my NM deployed was the constant attempts at destruction of my romantic relationships. This started when I was in my teens and getting into girls. I was a pretty charming good looking guy. So she stopped buying me clothes, or found "great" hand me downs from her friends teenage boys, declined to take me places to hang out with my friends, and pulled highly embarassing stunts when I was at my friends' houses (waking up my friends parents at 6am on a Sunday to come and pick me up because I didn't make my bed before I left comes to mind.)

As I got older and the relationships got more serious and intertwined, she would revel in the more comely women that I dated and voiciferously try to wedge in on the more beautiful ones. I recall bringing home this super petite hot girlfriend with long, curly thick black hair and great C cup chest and shortly after we arrived it was like I did not exist. I was met with that ever familiar cold glance that instructed me to shut up just because I was trying to get involved in the conversation. She would always bring up my ex girlfriends in front of whatever girl I was seeing at the time, ("Oh have you talked to Rachel lately? How is she doing? She was so pretty." - in front of a completely different girlfriend years and years later).

As I got older the sabotage became more blatant and destructive. I was engaged, and had been largely low contact with her and the EF but given the engagement and the time that had passed I figured that they had maybe had some time to grow up. Shortly after meeting my fiancee's mother at the engagement party, a quietly placed phone call was made by my NM to my fiancee's mother - about how she should be concerned for her daughter (my fiancee) because I was always such an angry child and that I was so prone to violence. After that relationship ended (due to unrelenting pressure from my fiancee's mother) she was quicker and quicker to play that card.

I recall having a truly magical relationship with this gorgeous blonde. She looked so hot in a bikini and my NM and EF lived on the beach. I brought her up there to have a trip out of town and that relationship turned from magic to fatal in a literal 12 hour period. The day we left their house, that girl was enraged, angry, screaming and yelling at me, and putting me in my place any chance she could. I never really heard what was said, but later on I realized that the NM destruction card was probably what happened. That relationship never recovered and I had to kick her out a few months later.

My current girlfriend, upon first meeting my NM was advised, "you should seriously reconsider living with him - think of the safety of your daughter" (she had a little girl from a previous relationship). Somewhat wise to these antics, she was pre-prepared. The bad mouthing of me never ended until I went NC with them. Every time I wasnt in the room or listening in on the phone call, these twisted daggers were hurled in my back - to my own girlfriend.

I can think of many other instances where that sort of thing may have been at play, just that I wasnt aware of them at the time because I didn't know to look. I mean, why would your "mother" try to get your own girlfriends to break up with you, it makes no effective sense.

I was always belittled in front of my girlfriends to my face by them. I would sit there and cook breakfast for everyone and then when the brunch gathering at my house came to a close, they would blatantly thank my girlfriend for cooking such a fine meal. When she would protest and point that we all watched me do all the cooking they would then say that she must have enabled me to make such a fine meal. In that particular instance it was eggs benedict, something my girlfriend had never even tried before. It was very insulting and awkward watching them try to concoct one rationale after another for thanking her, rather than me, for the meal. It was almost like they just HAD TO thank someone other than me for making a fine meal. In another instance, a previous girlfriend slept through all the perparations for a Christmas gathering because she was sick. When she got up, they praised her for doing such a fine job preparing the house for everyone. A similar story ensued.

On the employment front it was similar to the romantic one. I was told to "stick with McDonalds, it's your ace in the hole" when I was actually previously a sous chef and I was looking for better work prospects. When I got a job in investment banking by fluke, the importance of my role was belittled until I started raping the adviser in her branch's accounts (she was a bank manager at the time and they had a planner working for them) to the tune of $400,000 in accounts per month. Then she tried to hire me, offering me double. It was quite just deserves when I declined and said loyalty was more important to me than money.

Every job I ever had was cast off as some low level "not a real" job and nobody in the family, none of the siblings, ever thought that I had my act together. Sure I was the trainer for my entire province for the largest investment banking firm in the country and I spent all day providing training for investment managers across 14 different cities, but my siblings all thought that I was just being a braggart and exaggerating my role. Seeing as she was a bank manager and I worked in banking of course they would beleive her.

On that front, I guess as a male, son of a narcissistic mother, it was the belittling of my employment accomplishments that wounded me the most. Sure, I got kicked out at 17 and couldn't finish grade 12 because I had to get a job, and managed to scratch and claw my way into a job in investment banking - so there was no way she could take any credit for me working in her industry - but it was never treated that I was doing anything at all respectable, and my siblings always treated me as such.

Between attempts to sabotage my career and relationships, I guess those are the cornerstones of what most males see as the most important aspects of their lives. Not to sound superficial, but a smart, pretty girlfriend and a good paying job are hallmarks of success when you're a guy, along with having some great consumer electronics and maybe a nice car.

Of course I was never given opportunity to get my drivers' license, nor a job, when I lived with them (in a rural area that was debilitating), and ten years later I would be belittled for not having a car. Kind of hard to justify buying a car when you're working your backside off to support yourself and you dont have the license to be able to drive it. Not that I didnt have four different vehicles and three at one time - just nobody who could get in the car with me to give me some driving practice to pass the test, because they have to be over 25 here.

I have read reports of golden child boys. That was anything but the experience that I had. She never seemed to take much of a liking to any of the boys in that family. That however wasnt limited to us boys, like I said before there was one standard for the golden child sister and another standard for everyone else. It didnt seem gender specific. Although I dont doubt that it happens.

If there are any other sons of Narcissistic Mothers please do post here. After a while this may become a useful resource for sons of NMs who are looking for answers and keep turning up stuff for daughters of NMs. No offense to the ladies, but it can be very frustrating for us to keep finding female centric literature when there are likely a lot of us suffering with similar realities but unable to relate to thing like our mothers refusing to buy us a bra.

I know that it's hard to translate Narcissism or any of the Cluster B mentalities into "non" speak, but I will do my best. Let me assure you that I think what your maternal figure did to you was horrible, and I agree that hitting a guy in his career and sex life is probably the worst thing you can do to him. Most guys would be perfectly happy going through life with a good job and a beautiful woman. Well, except for we Narc guys - lol. Sadly, I've spent much of my life self-sabotaging my relationships with women, for what I now realize was a fear of losing control, of intimacy, and of being consumed and losing my individuality. It must be even worse though to be a non who wants a nice, healthy, intimate relationship with a woman, only to have some Narc mess things up for you all your life.

I don't have kids, but from what I've heard, Narcs basically view their children as extensions of themselves. The thing you have to realize about Cluster B's is that we all have issues with boundaries, with our own identity, and with displaying empathy in an appropriate way. The things that you're describing are the actions of a parent who doesn't have any sense of boundaries, empathy, or who can't seem to distinguish the difference between her identity and your own. I would guess that MOST parents have trouble with their kids growing up initially. That's why we hear parents lament that their children grow up too fast. Also, how many sitcoms have involved fathers becoming uncomfortable with their daughter brings a boy home for the first time? Or remember that commercial a few years back where the dad was trying to teach his daughter how to drive and all he kept seeing in his mind was a little girl driving? Those are the things that all parents pretty much go through when their kids grow up.

Now, what a non will do is realize that, even if it makes them uncomfortable, their kids are separate individuals and the non will ultimately let the kid date, have significant others, buy the bra, get their driver's license, etc. This is because the non understands that the kid is a distinct person, the non wants the kid to be happy, and the non has a sense of boundaries. Now remember I said earlier that these are all the areas where Cluster B's have trouble? So when you have a Narc mother, who doesn't have boundaries, who views her kid as an extension of herself, and who lacks empathy for others, then it's not hard to see how this could be a recipe for disaster when her kid starts to grow up.

So pretty much all the "normal" parenting fears of what kids will do when they start to grow up, instead of being resolved in a healthy way, end up lingering and festering in the Narc mom, and she does things like you described. In particular, her sabotaging of your relationship with women, especially the more attractive ones, go to the way that she saw herself as in direct competition with those women over ownership of you and control of you. If you introduced a younger, more attractive woman into your life and into the family, your mother saw herself losing control over you, and losing her place as alpha female in the family, especially in this culture, where a woman's youth and physical appearance is viewed as what determines her worth or status to a large portion of the population. Your mother saw herself being supplanted as queen of the family and queen of your life by a young, hot woman that looked great in a bikini. She couldn't stand that. And because she lacked things like boundaries and empathy, there was nothing to stop her from totally ruining it every time you tried to go down this road.

I don't know if you've done so already, but you really need to just jettison this woman from your life. Easier said than done for a non, I know. I think my grandmother was a bit of a Narcissist, and probably helped create me. She was like a second mother to me, and acted as if she was the queen and was raising me to be the crown prince. She had problems with me growing up and starting to pursue girls, but not anything close to what you describe. Also, the fact that I exhibited Narc tendencies as well simply meant that my response to her as I got older was simply to devalue and discard her, which was kind of ironic in a way. For the sci-fi geeks, it's sort of like in Star Wars, when a Sith trains another Sith, and then the apprentice eventually destroys the Master. I'm almost certain that Cluster B's create other Cluster B's.

Thanks for the advice from a self aware narc. I have jettisonned this woman from my life along with the enabling father.

I do think her motives were different thqn you suspect though. I was adopted at 13 by this family from my non functioning alcoholic birth mother. I beleive that the story was supposed to be how hard done by she was to tske on such a burdensome child for the greater good and it was supposed to be the thing that she could wear on her sleeve, so she could fire that off every time she needed an excuse. Her oldest daughter was the primary scapegoat but had cut her out of her life for the time being and didnt reappear for several years, and even though that daughter is dead no 7 years she still wears on her sleeve how much trouble she was and how its all her fault that she wasnt a good mother to the rest of us because this daughter took up all her time.

The problem was that i was not the dumb, pathetic loser she had sketched in her mind that i was. I was a smart kid, i didnt get into much trouble, people liked getting into conversations with me and i showed some real promise of being a pretty successful young man one day (i like to think that i am today).

So every step of the way she set out to ensure that i didnt succeed, and lied to give cover to her tale to almost enforce her original view of who i was and who i would turn out to be. As described, i got kicked out for no real reason at 16 and she told horror stories of how violent and angry i was slamming things when none of it ever happened. I got caught with pot once and she took it straight to the police, who saw this meagre amount of pot in a town where it was largely tolerated and sent her on her merry way because it wasnt worth the hassle to them to do anything other than toss it in the garbage.

When i got kicked out the second time, realizing i would need to just make a life of my own because this life was too unstable, i tried to get welfare so i could finish school as i only had one year left. She told welfare i was welcome to come home which blocked me from getting any supports and when i went there to discuss what terms under which this would happen she flatly told me how much better it was that i didnt live there anymore. (talk about an awkard dinner) then back to welfare and the same thing, 5 times until i gave up and got a job. In the end, she won - she could point at what a bad kid i was because i dropped out of school and didnt finish grade 12. Not for lack of trying though, i attended for the whole first semester.

The hot girlfriends and the engagement i beleive were sabotaged for the salvation of the same narrative. Hard to groan about how this adopted kid will never get his act together and how hes such a loser when he is married to a great woman with a masters in pharmalogical research or how he has this gorgeous girlfriend that all the neighbors are talking about. So to her these things must be stopped - they did not fit her narrative. Ditto for the employment stuff as well, i beleive. Again, it did not fit the narrative so she needed to do whatever she could to bring my life back to the narrative.

Even when she could not directly impact my life to enforce her narrative, she still ensured that everyone believed things were as her narrative predicted. I ran a small home based business for 10 years, made little money but fell behind on filing taxes because i was spending all of my energy getting by. When i took a good job and was getting great bonuses that i was going to use to buy a modest house with cash, she took it upon herself to call the tax authorities and report me. There is no other way they could have gotten the phone number they called me on - it was in my girlfriends name - and i left that business with little more than a defaulted credit card after the 2008 recession so i hardly was a big target for them. After i spoke to them they just suggested that i try to get the back filings done in a reasonable amount of time as they probably owed me money.

Every step of the way, this narrative that i am perpetually needing to get my act together has been either spread by lies or twisted truths or through directly screwing with my life. I guess part of it too, was that nobody could outshine her golden child daughter. Not that i ever tried to outshine her, she seems to be doing fine with an average city job with a bellhop husband and a cool son into sports.

Hi Computerology,
My brother, I had thought was the golden child. He was always smarter and my mother clearly gloated with pride in his accomplishments. I had been raised to consider myself second. I had spent most of my early childhood in the backyard where I felt a strong need to mother him.
I can clearly remember the day when he had brought a couple of friends to play football. Perhaps he was about 7. I stood there watching as he played without even noticing me there. I knew then that he didn't need me any more. That is what I told myself anyway.
Later my mother was to treat me so badly that I opted to flee without thinking about him. I thought he would be OK without me but things change.
He was scapegoated immediately I left. She had a new man in her life and he was some other man's child. The abuse was slow and tortuous. It started with an obsession with his appearance. As he moved into the teen years the toll of trying to manage hair to her satisfaction became a daily hurdle. He washed it everyday to help it stay down. He busied himself with his study to give himself something to do. She started leaving him with relatives for extended periods so she could have trips with her new man. They were honeymooners for years.
Ultimately she was bored with the city scene and decided to move at the beginning of his final high school year. He would need to go to a hostel. Just no one would do that here. Finals sets you up for entrance to prestigious unis. No one goes away to colleges at all. The whole family usually has to help you study 24/7 so you get the best entrance score. You don't pay to get in. You have to earn it through your grades. He must have been terrified to be abandoned at such a stressful time. But he was smart and he did get in to medicine.
He hardly ever saw her but he tried to maintain a semblance of happy families. She became the mother with the purse. The inevitable break came when he needed a car to do country hospital rotations. At the same time he introduced his new love. She made a huge deal of having to loan him the money which she couldn't never afford. Money she had to ask for from her husband who she referred to as Boss.
So Boss gave him money which he paid back when he was able. He had become an expense.
His girlfriend was dismissed as someone to sow oats with. She sent him a letter listing how much she had spent on him. This list included his watch he was to receive for his 21st. He never got the watch. He never spoke to her again. Never ever to this day. So NC for him was total.
I only have a loose connection with him. Both of us cant manage many intimate relationships. We have a couple of good friends and that is all. We keep close to our families. I manage my mother from 2 states away.
I think he has quite a connected relationship with his wife. They chose not to have children and have focused on each other. Perhaps he never wanted to loose that close bond. He never wanted children to experience life without a father if he died early. He had a stressful job which he could dedicate himself to doing well. Lots of reasons he has mentioned over the years. I can see he is happy with his choice.
I really don't think he will make it to the bedside regardless of her dying wish. She really meant nothing to him after she only thought of him as an expense. He has asked for me not to tell him. I get it. I won't. She will not be controlling him. At least I can make that happen for him.

I am so sorry for what both of us have gone through with her as a mother. Your love gets misplaced and never cultivated. You start to wither in your adult years unless you learn how to become the parent for yourself. I remember thinking of my mother as a negative role model. Whatever she did i would do differently. Simple path with simple logic got me through.

Finding your own way without them on board generally works the best. Your energy then focuses on areas that will bring reward. In the end you approve of what you do alone. Marg

Great post marg

Many things in it i can see firsthand although i was scapegoated from nearly the start

Hiya computerology,

I've joined the forums just to reply to you. I'm the wife of the son of a NM.

I know I'm a stranger, but I'm proud of you. If you had failed at life, no-one would have blamed you. But you didn't. Well done.

(My sister was killed in a horrific and very widely reported car crime, and no-one would have blamed me for failing at life after that either. Like you, I didn't. So truly - well done.)

We have found, like you, that there's limited amounts of info out there for sons of NMs, for all that you poor buggers have a hard road. My husband was very much the golden child and his ( only) sister got all the bad stuff, but a lot of what you describe with girlfriends rings bells with me, both with my husband's previous girlfriends and with me too.

When I tell people 'my mother in law tried to ruin my wedding', they chuckle and nod in what they think is recognition.

She was so cruel.

If it helps - my husband has (it sounds like hyperbole, but it's the truth) the highest qualification from the best university in his field in the whole world, and he got a very high-prestige job right after the PhD, and he's the golden child, and you know what? It's still not enough. Nothing is enough, nothing is ever enough, not for any of you kids, never.

We only found out about narcissism in mothers two weeks, maybe a month ago? Not long. Reading about your experiences really helps contextualise ours.

Sorry for not catching this response. Thanks for the kind words. There really isnt much material out there for sons of narcissistic mothers. I wrote a survivor story on narcissisticmother.com if your interested in reading about it.

I came back to this thread to give a bit more of an update on going NC. It was early october last year i cut them out like the cancer they were in my life, so now it has been 10 months.

Its still not easy.

I sometimes find myself thinking about all the lost opportunities in my life due to this supposed "mother" in my life. The fact that i was singled out to be the one who would never get his drivers license is a great example; how different my life would have been if i was allowed to broach that simple rite of passage along with the rest of my peers. Living in a very rural area it would have dramatically altered my social life, prospects of girlfriends, jobs, mobility and ability to get places.

Ive talked about the countless other lost opportunities in this thread, job interview requests not passed along, sabotaged relationships, smack talk forwarded to employers, friends, and family.

Even here 10 months later i still have some very hard evenings. Mostly due to the realization and understanding that so many aspects of my life were made just so difficult for no reason at all other than to fulfill this narcissitic womans "vision" of what reality should be, most specifically that i should turn out to be a two bit loser, and that any glimmer of success on my part on any front was a threat to that vision and should be thwarted.

Ive read of the term "narcissistic wounds", and it has an distinct ring for me, although these wounds refer more to wounds that the narcissist feels rather than the wounds that they inflict. I wish there was a authoritative term for the wounds that they inflict on their children. As kids we were largely helpless, trying to figure out the world, and unfortunately for us our guide to that world was warped selfish and sadistic.

My girlfriend suggested counselling last night. But it is difficult to fathom. What counsellor would not think i was a paranoid lunatic when i tell my story of a mother who sabotages at every turn and is engaged in wholesale destruction of any aspect of your life ranging from your relationships to your character? How could a counsellor not feel that i was merely blaming my mother for things that most people would consider to be their own personal responsibility?

Those sons of us with narcissitic mothers (and daughters too) can relate. The wide ranging destruction that these maternal narcissists deploy at regular intervals in our lives for us are very real. The narcissist made us beleive that all these failures were our responsibility and we wore that responsibility until one day we were awoken to the shattering reality that these failures and tough times werent about us, but rather it was all about them. Just the realization that narcissism is the root cause causes us to start to see our entire lives in a whole new reality.

Maybe the counsellor would give my story more credibility upon learning that my one sister repeatedly alternated between suicide attempts and a heroin addiction, my golden child sister attempted suicide as well, my other sister is on heavy AD meds because her total estrangement from the family at the hands of her stepmother causes her to think constantly of suicide, and that the remaining kids in the family other than the enmeshed golden child sister either live reclused isolated lives from eachother or alternate to the "big try", as in trying to organize family events (as i have done) in order to try to feel like they are part of something resembling a family rather than just an afterthought crammed in only because they had the strike of luck to call at the right time and out of guilt the enabling father and narcissistic mother squeezed in a half hour visit in between when they leave the golden child's house adter a lovely week long visit and catching the next ferry home.

But i doubt it. Even the most cerebral, empathetic, well trained and well meaning counsellor, unless they themselves had lived the life would ever be able to do more than smile and nod. As many of us who have lived it know, the most difficult part of growing up in a narcissistic family is the different masks between inside the family and the outside world. To the outside world the cruel indignant narcissist is a lovely well meaning person who is so charming and kind. We know what its like when the mask comes off, the scathing deep cutting visceral comments that like asymmetrical warfare erupt over what is seemingly nothing that are coldly calculated to wound right down to your soul.

One example of such visceral wounds in my own story is when (i may have written about this in more detail here) i was kicked out a week befoee the beginning of grade 12 over nothing other than that i didnt want to mow the lawn at 5 oclock on a friday night and opted to do it monday when i returned from camping instead. Seeing the writing on the wall (i had been kicked out once already and had the roof dangled over my head more than once a week with ominous threats for the year since) i had applied for government supports so i could finish high school. Welfare, seeing my age, needed to talk to my parents to see if i was allowed to come home before they could approve youth supports, and she told them i was welcome to come home as long as i followed the "rules" (which to call continuously evolving would be an understatement, but i digress). In going there in dread that i might have to go back there, and to learn what it was that she expected of me, i was offered the following greeting:

"oh, how nice to see you. Its so much better now that you dont live here."

To add insult to injury this process, and that greeting, was repeated no less han 5 times until i gave up on getting government supports, and along with that went having to give up on completing high school.

Im sure in many of her little character assasinations of me it was duly noted that i was a "high school dropout", without mention of her part in the matter, and her role in that was writ large. Not unlike the lack of a drivers license and her role in that matter as well, telling me that i should just get rid of my truck because its a gas guzzler and ive "never gotten it together to get my drivers license anyway".

These carefully crafted, cold, visceral slices that cut to your soul are the reason why we, sons and daughters of narcissists initually take responsibility for the result of the successful war of sabotage that the narcissist in our lives has waged against us. The sick irony that someone would do virtually everything in their power to rob you of something and then have the gall to mock you for not having it as though it was your own ineptitude is unique to such a morally constipated person.

I apologize, ive gone off and written a small novel, a novel gushing out in words because i spent a difficult night gazing at my navel, feeling grief about the opportunity cost of growing up as a scapegoat of a narcissist.

I work in investment banking and often do financial planning. I see regularly the charts that show the difference between retiring with what you have today versus if you had saved, say, an extra $5,000, and the difference between the values over a 25 year time horizon can be massive with compiunding. In a way, i feel like the charts of my life would be much greater in value today had i been afforded the normal opportunities afforded even to one of my siblings, let alone a person with relative normal parents.

Just some rambling thoughts.

I want to thank you for inviting me to this forum today. Its 3:30 am in Japan, its hot and the aircon is on.
There is so much here to respond to, I have a mind to write short posts on pertinent topics that came up.

Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers vs. Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers:
Keep in mind that SNM is an opposite gender relationship while DNM is same-gender. Whatever that means to you.
Opposite gender relationships have a sexual charge to them, (DNF) while same gender relationships don't (SNF). I think of same gender as more like your relationship with your self.
My NM hates men, so since I'm first-born I'm the scapegoat, while the oldest of my two sisters, the third child, is easily the Golden Child. My mother has this thing about Alice in Wonderland, so she's made a graphic print of my Golden Child Sister as Alice-- clearly she is identifying GCS as herself.
But its my mother, not sister, who is trapped down the rabbit hole. I think the metaphor here is literal.
I don't know who has it worse, the Scapegoat or the Golden Child. My sister is so controlled she doesn't know which way is up.
Thanks for the post.
Vic

Hi,
Here's a few reflections from the daughter of a narcissistic father who went through the same trials when I was your age. No contact is absolutely the right way to go, but even though you have gotten rid of the source of your pain, you are still hugging the suffering cliose to your chest. Doing this is like drinking poison. You need to really realise, deep in your heart, that her influence over you is gone. And that means working hard to stop thinking about the past. It is so hard at first. Injustice is a very hard thing to let go of, especially if it happened to you as a child. A therapist can really help you to let go of it and move on. I would encourage you to stay in touch with your sibilings, however. Getting together occasionally to track your recovery and to validate the truth of what happened to you is also important. I don't mean raking up pain, I mean just ascertaining that what you experienced actually happened. When you can look aback t the young person you were with empathy but not pain you'll be healed. Just a final word - I can understand why trappings like pretty girls and impressive jobs are important when you have been devalued, but you need to look for deeper, more significant things to develop in yourself, or you could risk developing some N traits yourself.

Thank you for your comments.

I grapple with the demons of wanting revenge. I am a gentle kind person but i struggle with the anger of opportunities lost and years wasted. I dont want to go down the road of evil; but i seek answers and justice and while justice and revenge are not the same thing i have had a very difficult long weekend trying to not bridge the two.

I dont want to look backwards - i went no contact for a reason - however it is difficult to not recognize all the opportunities lost and think of those which i dont even know were lost. I have always prided myself for looking forwards throughout this never ending battle which has been my life, overcoming the sabotage and subterfuge which my NM has deployed so skillfully for decades.

However, i fear, my demons are grappling me very strongly this weekend. My birth mother died a few months ago and i am fighting my demons now for he very direction of my soul. Good, i want to persue. Evil, i fear may overtake me.

I hope this doesnt make you think im nuts. Ive never felt this before. I am not sure what to do about it.