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I finally seized an opportunity and now it's bothering me

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I finally seized an opportunity and now it's bothering me

Postby factoflife » Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:13 pm

After doing some research I came to the conclusion I have FD. Growing up I had a mother who was rather overbearing and critical, she took worrying to the extreme and I felt I suppose held back by it all. I didn't get chance to learn and grow and I turned in to a very shy character with social problems. My father wasn't one to show his love either so you could say I was looking for a male figure to show me some care and love.

I grew up in the 90s when various rescue / medical programmes / romance movies became popular. The scenario was usually the same - a beautiful girl getting loads of attention from the guys and cared for and looked after. Due to my shyness I got bullied real bad at school. Not by the guys but by the girls. I saw girls as bitchy and nasty so thought the caring attitudes only belonged to guys.

To escape from the above reality, I started daydreaming. This daydreaming turned in to maladaptive day dreaming and before I knew it, I had loads of scenarios built up in my mind of beautiful girls being rescued or looked after. It didn't stop there, I also dreamt different storylines to my favourite TV shows. Often I would put myself in the role of the beautiful girl.

Around that time, there were various guys in my life - a DR, a friend of the family, a medical person who I sometimes saw, a friendly teacher.....they all gave me attention. That's probably what started my FD off. I'd daydream about the scenarios I'd find myself in with them or put another girl off the TV in them. I've always been told I'm beautiful myself even though I don't feel it so instead of using these other girls a lot, I would replace them with me.

It was always in my head. Nothing was ever acted out. I figured as long as I'm just day dreaming, it doesn't effect anyone. I look forward to going to bed at night just so I can day dream. Now I have a chronic medical condition which I've actually had since birth but didn't know about until recently which means I have to visit the hospital a lot. I'm disappointed that it's nothing like the day dreams because it's something quite boring but I do get a little attention from having it.

It was a while ago during an appointment when I saw a chance to put my FD in to action and I took it. It was surgery. I was looking forward to the surgery knowing I would be the sole focus of attention for an hour. Exactly as I dreamt in my mind, I got in to theatre and laid down on the table as told to do. They injected me with something at first which made me feel a little light headed. I wished I could pretend it had made me pass out but I was too nervous especially as all eyes were on me. Of course in my dreams I would have immediately passed out and they would have been rushing for the oxygen mask.

The surgery was over but I hadn't woken up yet. But I was aware enough to know what was going on. I felt someone hold my hand and the person asked me to squeeze his hand if I could hear him. I pretended I hadn't heard him. I could feel him trying to nudge me awake and I pretended I wasn't responding. Over however long it was, I kept hearing him trying to wake me and then he spoke to a lady and told her that he was having trouble waking me up. For once, it made me feel good - that someone was actually caring about me. I could feel him do some tests but I still pretended I couldn't wake up. At the time it felt amazing. I had finally acted out my FD. It was almost as good as my day dreams. The only difference being that my dreams would have lasted a lot longer whereas this real life scenario was only 5 or 10 minutes maximum.

Now when I think about what I did, I feel very guilty about it. It's not the same as day dreaming about it. I often wonder if that man was worried about me and fearful but at the same time I really can't help but feel very happy about the attention and that someone cared enough about whether I was OK or not.
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Re: I finally seized an opportunity and now it's bothering me

Postby factoflife » Thu Sep 16, 2021 4:51 pm

I forgot to mention it was a short time ago when I found out girls could be just as caring as guys which changed my perception on everything. Men do feature in my daydreams more often still and I'm always wishing for a male DR whenever I have to attend hospital.

What happened a short time ago was I had an incident which required an ambulance. Would you believe as much as I loved to daydream about medical scenarios, the thought of going in an ambulance and going off to hospital was a very scary thought. 80% of me didn't want the ambulance to come and 80% didn't want to go to hospital but the other 20% did want it all. I was in too much pain to give much thought to it but assumed the paramedics would be men and that I would get some attention which would put me at ease and make me happy.

The paramedics arrived and they were female. I was hugely disappointed. I needn't have been as it turned out the lead paramedic was lovely. Chatty, friendly, caring. She made me feel at ease and I realised then that there are caring women in the world. She has no idea that my whole life changed because of her. My vitals were checked and I was deemed fit but they wanted me to get checked out at hospital to be on the safe side. The memory of the ambulance ride is anchored in my memory forever.

In hospital they ran some tests and it was shown that I had an underlying symptom which needed urgent medical attention so I was rushed off to a ward. My first time actually in hospital was very scary and I hardly saw the nurses. But what I did see were the DR's. Every few hours a male DR came round to ask how I was. His sole focus would be on me and he would ask me loads of questions and make some notes. I looked forward to the DR coming round every few hours.

When I left hospital, I felt happy but also sad. The DR's are caring and friendly. I enjoyed the attention and I expect many other patients enjoyed all the attention also.
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Re: I finally seized an opportunity and now it's bothering me

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 16, 2021 8:58 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

factoflife wrote:The DR's are caring and friendly. I enjoyed the attention and I expect many other patients enjoyed all the attention also.


Then they're lucky- I only enjoy as much attention is needed to let me know they're being competent- otherwise I want as little medical attention on me as I can get away with.

Have you seen a therapist about this? I sympathise to an extent- I've done (and still occasionally do) my share of maladaptive daydreaming, and it seems to me as a child I would sometimes daydream being mained or something for the attention within my daydream, I suppose- but in the real world, it's the last thing I'd think of as a desired goal. Nowadays I daydream about some fairly dark themes of things done to myself, but again.. nothing I'd go seeking out.

factoflife wrote:I figured as long as I'm just day dreaming, it doesn't effect anyone.


That's my view on it- thoughts are just thoughts- I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so I have to have the skill to separate fantasy from The Id, or else I'd drive myself insane- the tendency with OCD is to read far too much into one's own thoughts, so I'm forced to keep an attitude of 'if it's just inside my skull, it harms no one'. But crossing over into real-world behavior... I think you ought to talk to a therapist about this, if you find yourself increasingly tempted to act on it.
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