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somethings wrong with me its like im an actor performing

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somethings wrong with me its like im an actor performing

Postby zoeythezebra » Fri Aug 16, 2019 2:45 am

Let me start out by saying that I should probably be seeing a professional about all of this, but I’m too scared and ashamed too. So… I’m here. And I know that I’m just barging in here without having posted anything at all or participated, but if there’s anyone out there who would be willing to listen to me and give me their perspective on what the hell is wrong with me, then I’d be really grateful. Because frankly, I think that I’m a horrible person. I don’t want to make this too long or reveal anything too personal that could be used to identify me, but I really need to do something with this.

I think there is something seriously wrong with me. Like really wrong. I don’t know if it’s something that’s been in me since I was born, or if I somehow cultivated it out of something, but I’m seriously screwed up. But I’ve been able to suppress it. So well that I even believe my own lies half the time.

I’ve always enjoyed getting attention, especially when it comes to pity and people looking at me like a victim. Or when it develops into something more urgent, like passing out and everyone fanning over you. I seriously enjoy it. I know that as I got into my teen years, and older, I really started getting into it. I enjoyed that kind of attention so much that I faked a lot of things to get attention. I had panic attacks (which I’m not sure if there was/is any truth to them honestly), I faked passing out a few times, I would skip meals and make people think I was doing it on purpose… that’s how it started.

Once I became an adult and entered the workforce, I kept on doing stuff like that, only it got more intense, and I actually started verbally lying about things, not just faking things. I made up a whole backstory for myself, and it’s so sad and tragic, and I’ve met people who I’ve told and that feel for me and actually try to support me and they care about me. And I don’t deserve it. Right now as I’m typing this I’m actually trying to deny it, and I’m starting to drift back into that backstory and the fake version of myself I invented, and in my head I’m going, “no that’s me, I have the sad backstory and past trauma and mental illnesses that I’m dealing with. I’m just typing this out like it’s a story.” It’s so weird, I can’t really explain my state of mind any other way.

It’s like I’m an actor, and when I step outside of my apartment, I’m a whole different person. I’m playing a role I cast for myself. And I am the victim. I am the underdog. I am the sweet, kind person who has had the worst luck in their life. I am a strong person for dealing with all of my past. I am the one other people feel sorry for, and I am the one people talk about behind my back, but in a pitying way. And the thing is, the audience is completely convinced, and I know they are. I need to step off of the stage, but I can’t. The adrenaline, the thrill of it is too addicting. It’s almost become like a game for me. What can I get away with? How can I plan this? What can I make up that will be believable? Can I fake cry?

It also turns out I can cry too. Not exactly on demand, but in certain situations. I’ve sort of encouraged myself to cry thinking about something else, and then I use that to fuel the lie I come up with. And then I put on a show. And I make it believable, I do this stuff, and then act all shy and like “I’m sorry I don’t mean to be seen like this” and “oh no I’m fine don’t worry about me.”

I’ve been to the hospital, I’ve injured myself to make up stories for fake injuries, I’ve faked mental issues, I’ve faked my past, I’ve faked so much, and I know it’s all weighing down on me but I don’t feel it most of the time because I’ve become so good at denying it’s even there. And I don’t know how to actually make myself feel bad enough for me to change. I don’t know if maybe certain things in my life get better, I will be able to move on and grow out of doing this stuff, and be happy and normal like everyone else, rather than treating my life as a “how many people can I get to feel sorry for me” game or “how can I get someone to touch me or hug me today somehow?” I don’t know but for some reason I really long for touch. I think that’s why I’ve faked passing out before, to get that touch, even indirectly. You’ve got the concern and people touching you and helping you.

This is pathetic, but this little “game” has almost become my purpose in life. It’s what I wake up to do everyday. Although I’m smart enough to be able to space everything out, and make it all believable, and never be overdramatic or overract to anything or whatever. But now I actually have people who care about me and believe me and believe in me, and I almost feel bad. But this is what I wanted, and I guess this is why I’m doing the things I am? I wanted people. I wanted to belong. I wanted to be cared about. And now I am. But now this has become an addiction, and I can’t stop. I got a dog, and that seemed to help me a little bit. Having that to cuddle with and gain comfort from. But I still feel alone sometimes. I need to learn to be comfortable with myself, and not need constant attention from others. I’m so afriad of being alone, and I think more so than I would like to admit. And I guess maybe that’s where it comes from.

I’ve even gotten to the point lately, that I will record video or audio of things that happen, and coversations that I have where people are caring and reassuring and everything, and I will go back and listen and watch and relive those moments, and it’s like I’m reminding myself that I am cared about and that people like me. I have constant doubt in my mind all the time that people don’t like me and that they hate me, although lately I’ve learned that I really have people I can always depend on and that care. I still have those doubts.

I’m sorry this was so long, but if you cared to read all of that, and if you have anything you could add or anything at all, please. I’m tired of pretending to be two people, and at the same time I’m having fun and I want to keep doing it. But I know I’m a horrible person and I need to stop and get help.

Thanks for reading. Also forgive me, I had a few drinks, I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. :)
zoeythezebra
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